Still Focused....

I decided to quit posting on my blog and write about what I'm trying to accomplish right now in this group, instead.  Stuff is just getting too long for a blog...

March 4, 2007

I haven't quit smoking yet but I am still DETERMINED!!!  At the beginning of Feb., I was smoking two packs per day.  A week ago, I was down to a pack.  Yesterday, I smoked less than a half a pack!!!  I bought my nicotine patches yesterday and MY VITAMINS!!  I'm so friggin excited about the vitamins and all the steps I've been taking!!!  I'm so excited about getting healthy!!  That it's ME that is making this happen!! 

My exe boyfriend might as well be a nutritionist.  He's extremely health-conscious...always has been.  When we were together, he was so worried about my health.  He always bought me vitamins and I took them (with my psyche meds, I was taking a whole handful of pills every night!) but, I was at a different place then.  I always told him that, eventually, I would pursue a more healthy lifestyle...that I believed there was a lot to consider.  But, I wasn't ready yet.  He knows SO much about health and vitamins and health-food!  He's always doing a lot of personal research.  If it weren't for him, I wouldn't know that there are good vitamins and bad vitamins.  The vitamins you buy in regular stores are actually chemically processed, or synthesized.  They're not real!!  They're just MORE CHEMICALS, made by man in a lab.  While I'm trying to rid my body of chemicals, why would I add some new chemicals?  So, through him, I am learning which things to take and which not.  Yesterday, I went out and bought some (more) Coenzyme Q-10 (the vegetarian kind; this is important cuz, even the stuff you buy from GNC sometimes has chemicals.  Vegetarian stuff is ALL natural!!)  I also bought some women's multi-vitamins (all natural) with 80 mg. worth of B-complex (which, I've learned is the vitamin we are starving most for, when we drink and do drugs) and some vegetarian ginko biloba.  I started the vitamins this morning.  I have one last pack of cigs that I will finish today.  Tonight, I will put my first patch on and tomorrow will be my first cigarrette-free day!!!  HALLELUJAH!!

I have drank alcohol a few times since the gun episode.  Only a REAL tiny bit.  But, I'm NOT beating myself up over it!!!  It may be too difficult for me to try to quit drinking and keep spending time with Nickky...I know that.  But, I'm just taking one step at a time.  I'm convinced that, once I get my body more cleaned out, have truly implemented regular exercise and a healthy diet into my daily life, that I will think more clearly; I'm already feeling so much better, in just a couple weeks of starting new stuff.  I have complete confidence in myself, even if no one else does.  I know myself. I've always known I would get to this point, when I was ready and, I know BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT that now is the time.  And, I really want the changes, now.  There is never a moment when I'm not aware of the consequences of all my actions, good and/or bad.  There is never a moment when I am not focused....even when I took that first swallow of gin at Nicky's a few days ago.  I looked him straight in his eye, as I tipped the bottle.  I was 100% conscious of what I was doing and what the potential consequences were.  In the past, I would've considered this fact (that I drank, knowing my life could be in danger) and I would have felt so hopeless and doomed.  But, because I have been exerting SO much effort in this huge life-change (retraining my thought processes, etc.) instead of getting drunk, I only took two swallows and left it alone.  On another day, I accepted a beer from someone.  I only drank a little more than half of that beer for the same reasons.

I'm still a little afraid but, I believe I'm gonna be okay.  I just can't give up.  No matter what mistakes I make, I have to perfect the art of getting back on track.  I'm making progres!!  I mean, I'm REALLY making progress!!!

I just keep reminding myself of what it was like when my children were born.....how I'd exert ALL my energy to push their little heads down the birth canal an inch and they'd suck back up 3/4 of an inch.  I'm giving birth, now, to myself...to the me I always have been but have allowed to remain hidden behind enslavement.  I am giving birth to myself.  I'm gonna get sucked back up and it's a LOT of HARD work pushing.  It's gonna take time but, I'm already in the delivery room.  There's no turning back now!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 4, 2007

Good philosophy.