i'm honestly afraid for my life. i feel like i need to do something major to save me from myself. it seems, no matter how intelligent or strong i am, no matter how hard i fight.....there seems to be this entity within me....this living, breathing MASS of unending pain and chaos. it feels so dark and evil. i'm so afraid. after the events (whatever they actually really were) of the other night.......i feel like i need to go away....to someplace completely removed from everything that's ever been my life....to be around people and love....so i can heal....so i can live. i can't do this by myself anymore. i can't. i need help. i really need help. for two days, reality has been sinking into my being.....it's honestly been like there's someone standing by my side, constantly reminding me.....i could die. i will die....if i don't do something. even when i'm sleeping, this awareness keeps tapping on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. maybe it's god. maybe it's me, fighting for my own life. but, i need help. and, i don't believe any 12 step program is gonna do it for me. i don't believe ascribing to an "i am powerless" philosophy will help me heal. i am a whole person and i have been walking around with the weight of the entire universe on my back....my whole life. i'm so sensitive and compassionate and.....i've been so deeply hurt throughout so much of my whole life.....yes. i've been very strong. but, i just can't do it anymore. i have to heal. the pain has a mind of it's own. it wants out. it loves company. it tries to take over every part of my existence....without my even knowing it....even my mind. this pain. god. there's so much of it.
i want to live. i know i'm special. i know i have a unique voice, a unique vision. i know that every experience i've had has led me to this point. i believe i have something to offer. but, i can't do it alone anymore....as much as i hate to admit it....i mean, ****!!! i've "almost died" a BUNCH of times!!! even by my own hand, once...and, still i could not admit that i wasn't strong enough or smart enough to do it alone. i mean, lord only knows why coming in contact with that gun opened my eyes. well, wait. it wasn't even that gun or the bullet hole or the fact that i don't know what happened. i still feel numb to that. it's this tapping on my shoulder....this steady rythym...a reminder, streaming.....YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. NOW.
i found the place i want to go. it's in arizona. they ascribe to this "new" treatment program (founded in 1966, i think), called "narconon." i've been researching this philosophy and i'm sure it is the one that will work for me. the facility i found is a 10-bed facility, in the red mountains and mesas of arizona, with hiking and yoga and a focus on a holistic approach to healing. it'd a 30-day program that costs $26,000, up front. i'm sure my insurance won't cover it and i damn sure can't afford it. for the **** of it, i thought i'd ask each of you....if ten or twenty of your dollars could save my life, would you send it to the center, on my behalf? it may sound crazy but, crazier things have been known to happen. i figgered it can't hurt me. i'm ready to get on a plane toNITE. i'm so ******* afraid.