If I Asked Each of You Reading These Words to Help Me and You Could, Would You?

i'm honestly afraid for my life.  i feel like i need to do something major to save me from myself.  it seems, no matter how intelligent or strong i am, no matter how hard i fight.....there seems to be this entity within me....this living, breathing MASS of unending pain and chaos.  it feels so dark and evil.  i'm so afraid.  after the events (whatever they actually really were) of the other night.......i feel like i need to go away....to someplace completely removed from everything that's ever been my life....to be around people and love....so i can heal....so i can live.  i can't do this by myself anymore.  i can't.  i need help.  i really need help.  for two days, reality has been sinking into my being.....it's honestly been like there's someone standing by my side, constantly reminding me.....i could die.  i will die....if i don't do something.  even when i'm sleeping, this awareness keeps tapping on my shoulder, whispering in my ear.  maybe it's god.  maybe it's me, fighting for my own life.  but, i need help.  and, i don't believe any 12 step program is gonna do it for me.  i don't believe ascribing to an "i am powerless" philosophy will help me heal.  i am a whole person and i have been walking around with the weight of the entire universe on my back....my whole life.  i'm so sensitive and compassionate and.....i've been so deeply hurt throughout so much of my whole life.....yes.  i've been very strong.  but, i just can't do it anymore.  i have to heal.  the pain has a mind of it's own.  it wants out. it loves company.  it tries to take over every part of my existence....without my even knowing it....even my mind.  this pain.  god.  there's so much of it.

i want to live.  i know i'm special.  i know i have a unique voice, a unique vision.  i know that every experience i've had has led me to this point.  i believe i have something to offer.  but, i can't do it alone anymore....as much as i hate to admit it....i mean, ****!!!  i've "almost died" a BUNCH of times!!! even by my own hand, once...and, still i could not admit that i wasn't strong enough or smart enough to do it alone.  i mean, lord only knows why coming in contact with that gun opened my eyes.  well, wait.  it wasn't even that gun or the bullet hole or the fact that i don't know what happened.  i still feel numb to that.  it's this tapping on my shoulder....this steady rythym...a reminder, streaming.....YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.  NOW.

i found the place i want to go.  it's in arizona.  they ascribe to this "new" treatment program (founded in 1966, i think), called "narconon."  i've been researching this philosophy and i'm sure it is the one that will work for me.  the facility i found is a 10-bed facility, in the red mountains and mesas of arizona, with hiking and yoga and a focus on a holistic approach to healing.  it'd a 30-day program that costs $26,000, up front.  i'm sure my insurance won't cover it and i damn sure can't afford it.  for the **** of it, i thought i'd ask each of you....if ten or twenty of your dollars could save my life, would you send it to the center, on my behalf?  it may sound crazy but, crazier things have been known to happen.  i figgered it can't hurt me.  i'm ready to get on a plane toNITE.  i'm so ******* afraid.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
4 Responses Feb 17, 2007

I agree with Nate, but with a paradox.<br />
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Your not going to find a savior outside yourself, you have to be your own savior, and you *can* be that for yourself. this does not mean, however, that you have to do it all on your own. you don't have to be alone. no one can single-handedly save you, but you can find people to help you in your journey to find your own way. <br />
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so, i don't know...if you still need money for this thing, and if you think it would be helpful, i would be willing to make a donation. just make sure this is really the path your want to take...

Well, I am from a different school than the others that have commented here, but take me for what I'm worth.<br />
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Stop attaching yourself to these feelings of dread and suffering. Acknowledge them, experience them, maybe figure out why you're having them, and let them go. All emotion, feeling, and thought of this world are fleeting. You can and do choose which to give power to. If you dwell on these they will, and sound like they do, consume you. I've been in your shoes before and, to each his own, but in my time here I've figured out that there is no help beyond yourself. Everything you need you already have inside you. <br />
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You sound like a very unique person, don't give up on yourself. A gun can't solve problems, only make more. Nor can escaping reality. Live for the moment, in the moment. Every day is a new one. Find beauty.<br />
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Hope this helps.

Wow , i am sorry to hear that you have feelings like this but i too know what it is like to want to fight and not know how. I know how it feels to want to escape and not no where to run, or to plead for help and noone can say or do anything that feels right in you. I know of an answer and it works for me . the hardest part is actually doing it. You have to be in love with the Lord, when you are and you except him into your life and heart, you have the authority over these thought , feelings and emotions. You are a winner and not one human can save you. It is sad but true that MAN will fail you time and time again. Most of the time not meaning to cause harm , but really there is no other way except through Christ. I pray for you and your life to change, and please love yourself, you have a strong voice and that is exactly what the enemy is trying to take from you. You can fight this and you will win, just choose to. God bless

In the name of jesus, In the name of jesus, In the name of jesus, I'am saying this not just for my own protection but yours as well. while I don't know your faith and I'm not writing to force mine on you. there is a force that we are surrounded by everyday many people don't recognize this because thier eyes are behind a veil but I know many people are sensitive to these forces and if they don't have the faith or the shield that is needed to protect them. they are soon to fall into the wrong presence. I've had an experience where I felt my life was leaving me and rarely has this ever occured. anyway I had to plead to my lord to spare me from whatever force that was trying to gain control over me. Now believe it or not wheather you want to read the book of joab in the bible, the devil was allowed to torment joab but he<br />
could not take his life but the reason for this was for the man to curse god for letting this happen to him but the man never rosed a cursed word to god because he knew who has the power over life and death. people don't know that demons despise us because we are made in the perfect image of him who created us. even the fallen angels lost thier beauty. I'am saying this because many times the forces that are around you hate you because you are alive and you have the form they will never posses. If you kill yourself or harm yourself thay would be happy. they would even dance a dance if they had legs. but this is where you come in at. You have the victory over them because you are yet still living. I know that things get hard and the only way to escape is by dying but only one would tell you a silly thing like that and he tells you that so that you may believe and acomplish what he wants<br />
you to do so in other words make it simple so he doesn't have to work hard for it. you can shut those voices up and live a life that was meant for you to live . I would not tell you this if I didn't experience this. I told those voices and presence that in the name of jesus you must go. See they have to obey. for there is no other name that these forces know of. trust me it works just constantly keep saying in the name of jesus or jesus,jesus just keep on saying this anytime you feel any presence that doesn't feel right or voices. also god have mercy, mercy lord and say his name with authority not with weakness but in strength <br />
with a loud voice. another thing that could help is saying the 23 psalms. I will pray for you. that is all I can say I don't mean any harm if your faith is different from mines I'm just trying to help. Love you and keep strong don't let those forces make you think you are crazy remember you have the victory over them because you are still alive.