I remember the time when I couldn't eat anything because depression and also another time I got so sick whenever I eat anything I feel so much pain that I just drink soups and nothing else much.

During those times I don't even think about my dream, the future, jealousy, anger. Everyone I know are worried they're afraid I might die or that my body would just shut down but I feel so much at peace.

I can throw away all the resentments I have towards people and focus on religious preaching and read books written by monks the Dalai Lama and others in Thai language. I see death is near, life is fleeting and feel so happy.

Maybe if I lost 10 kg of my usual weight or even 15 kg I'll feel at peace. Skipping dinner already makes me feel a bit better about myself. From now on I'll eat a lot less as focus on losing weight to gain the calmness I used to have back when I was sick.

Then I will forget everything else and focus only on this side of myself. Or maybe I'll have to stay sick a little to stay sane and go back on taking anti-anxiety pills regularly so that my anger will all be gone.

I know it sounds crazy but I'll try anything just to not care anymore about my stupid dream.
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Aug 23, 2014