Please Read This (cross Posted)

T o begin, I don't really belong here because I'm not a virgin. But I remember what it was like and for me, it was miserable.

I'm not posting this with the salesman pitch "Hey, you can get lucky, too!". I'm posting this because I think very broadly about our culture and how much sex plays a role in it. A lot of people get left behind because they don't conform to the norms and don't fit the neat little standards artificially set by so many. Sure, not everyone is tall or thin, but not everyone cares. We watch TV, movies, read magazines, listen to the radio, and so on, and we're taught that normal people lose their virginity in their teens or at the latest, college . Or that "all the cool kids like this kind of music" or "if you're a guy and you don't like sports, you're gay". And a myriad of other idiotic ideas that do too much to brainwash people.

If you're fat, know that there are women--and even men--who don't mind. If you're short, know that there are people who either don't mind or even prefer that in a mate. Men, if you have a small penis, there are many women who prefer smaller penises because they don't hurt so much (most of their pleasure nerves are at the front of the vaginal opening, so don't worry about the excess). Women, if you have small breasts, know that many men either like them small or don't care in the slightest.

I know that the older you get, the more virginity eats at your psyche. It's like quicksand: the older you get, the "weirder" it is for someone your age to be a virgin and the harder it becomes. I know I used to tell girls I was a virgin and I suddenly went from interesting conversation partner to caged freak of nature (at which point, the girl becomes an anthropologist or Oprah).

Men, there are plenty of women who are happy to de-virginize you. Some like to interview you and try to figure out your general personality and your skills and such, and then these women just tell you to "be confident". This is like asking an injured person to just "be healed". I personally hated talking to women like that and so many others that reassuringly (patronizingly) tell you "You'll meet someone someday, and you'll make her feel special!". I hated that like you wouldn't believe.

Women, I don't know if you get told the same thing, but please join the men and heed what I say next.

Place an ad somewhere: a dating site (like, a sex site (adult friend finder []), maybe Myspace, or even Craigslist. If you go Craigslist, try the relationship section instead of the no-strings-attached section, but don't be afraid to post ads in both. And don't be afraid to post them repeatedly and at different times. Know that you don't necessarily have to include a picture, too.

To explain the point of the ad, think of it like when you're learning a game, like Hangman. Sex becomes easier once you've done it and gone through all the motions. For men, it's once you know where the vagina is, what women like done to their breasts, where the g-spot and clitoris are (the internet hosts a wealth of research information), how to perform oral sex, etc. For women, it might be how to handle the penetration, how NOT to perform oral sex, and general protocol about foreplay and communication.

Back to the Hangman analogy, there was a point in your life when you had to learn how the game is played. You're shown how it's played, you set up the word or phrase and challenge someone, or you take someone's challenge and guess the word or phrase. Late-blooming virgins, in my analogy, are the folk who just can't figure out the word for the life of them and just want to say "Okay, I give up, what the hell is the word?".

That's the approach I took when I lost my virginity. I was 24 and I thought about taking my life. I spoke to some girl on some site that's free and live chat was also free. She never slept with me and I was a little bitter about that, but I don't care anymore. Anyways, she suggest I post an ad on Craigslist and gave me suggestions of what to put in there.

And here's the gist of my ad. I went for broke and said I was a virgin and I needed experience. I made it clear that I was desperate and, for the life of me, I just wasn't able to meet a girl who would even kiss me, much less sleep with me. I made it clear that I was a real person with goals and interests. I made it clear that I wanted my potential partner to be a teacher and guide me through the intercourse. And I made it clear that I simply felt at my age that I should know what I'm doing around women. I wanted to taste life and all it had to offer. This is how I met my first girlfriend, and while we're no longer intimate, we're still good friends.

The anonymity of the internet helps a lot here. You'll get replies from idiots who can't believe someone so old can be a virgin. That's normal; idiots breed like rabbits, so you're bound to hear from a few. I only got four replies, and only one was a legitimate offer. But I only needed the one. But if you get made fun of, e-gawked at, and what have you, bear in mind you didn't fully reveal yourself and no one will look at you funny when next you leave the house.

Finally, once you do secure a meeting, put some effort in your appearance and do what you have to do to put your anxiety on hold. The person will know from your ad from the get-go that you're a virgin, so that burden is off your shoulders. Try to get to know the person, maybe ask (curiously!) why they answered your ad, whatever. Put on clean clothes that don't look bad together, maybe get a haircut, or shave, anything. Don't be afraid to ask a barber or some other girl (maybe the employee at The Gap or Banana Republic about which shirt would befit a person like you) for tips on your appearance.

Finally, in the end, you might not see this person after your encounter. It's not such a bad idea to call the person back or send an e-mail saying the experience was great (try to enjoy it as much as you can, too). Maybe you'll meet the person again and try out a few other things you didn't get to the last time. But even if you never see the person again, at least you took the plunge. You can post another personal ad with a more normal goal and maybe get lucky again, now that you'll know how the "game" is played. (By the way, by "game", I'm not referring to the horndog "playahs" that go to clubs and bars to hunt for "*****"; it's more related to my analogy earlier).

In any case, please don't give up, everyone! If everyone who reads this gives it a shot and loses their virginity like they want to, then it will restore some of my faith in humanity.  And don't fret too much about making the experience "special".  It will be special.  You could be in the stall of a public bathroom; if your partner is accommodating, the experience will be special.  The setting does not make it special, but it might become special with the activity in question.

boingofan boingofan
26-30, M
12 Responses Aug 8, 2008

11... I don't regret it ...

Hey boingofan or anyone else reading this response,

I connected to this. I'm a virginal guy, I'm 19, and I know that seems a little young for this problem, especially when you compare it to 36 like mandyblue was quoting for someone else, but I do feel a certain amount of alienation from my peers about it. I've never actually had a girlfriend. I've been in a couple pseudo-relationships that lasted about a dinner or two, but never went further. As far as I'm aware, I'm not unattractive, I'm actually very popular and women like to talk to me, but I've never been actually able to hold their interest very long. And whenever somebody tells me "You'll find somebody someday," it ****** me off. I don't believe in this concept of "the one" and that's the same exact propaganda all my stupid friends tell me. I'm not sure about the craigslist thing. But this did help my psyche. It's astounding how many people buy into this "there's one for everyone" and "it should be special but you should do it before you're 18" bullshit. And when you're surrounded by that opinion, it really makes you consider suicide. This helped me so thank you for posting it.

If there's any advice that as to what I can do realistically other than going to craigslist, considering that I don't have a car or steady income, I would appreciate it.

What Is Wrong With You Women? Don't You Care About Being Someone's 1st Time? It Will Be Because Of You That Man Became Great A Satisfying Women! You Women Are Always Afraid Of Someone Judging You! You Don't Seem To Realize That Some Times Sex Can Actually Help People! Even If This Guy Is Not Your Ideal Man, You Can Still Help Him! Don't Make Him Go Though Life Like This! What I Am Saying Is Not Bull ****, I Am Very Passionate About The Nature Of Sex! If You Use Sex As A Means Of Helping People, You Will Be Doing So For The Common Good, Weather Or Not Love Has Anything To Do With It! Look You Are Not A ***** If You Are Helping Someone To Feel More Better About Them Self's! Some Times Sex Can Help Bring That Out, Just Be Clear With The Guy So That He Get's What You Are Doing! If Things Don't Work Out For You, He Will Always Remember You For The Rest Of His Life! You Will Be The One Who Made A Big Difference In The Starting Point Of This Man's Life!

Boingofan, <br />
<br />
I myself am not a virgin, but I would love a little insight into a situation I now find myself in. I'm an experienced 28 year old female, who through boredom and no desire to be found at the bars joined a dating website. On this website I met a clever, funny, slightly oldfashioned 36 year old man. We've talked quite a lot and I find myself looking forward to his emails every day. Last night, while chatting i jokingly referred to a question he had answered on this dating website, "So I notice you're a virgin..." I said, totally tongue in cheek thinking he had been a smart *** when he answered it. Imagine my surprise when he replied, "Well, yeah. I am." <br />
<br />
I'm ashamed to admit that it was like a bucket of ice cold water being dumped on me. Everything was going great, i liked him just fine right up until his revelation! What's wrong with me? We talked about it and he shared with me that he had been painfully shy with women up until he was about 28 or 29 and that since that time he had gotten much better, but still hadn't found the right girl. In addition, he mentioned that he was terrible at reading the signs of interest from the opposite sex, which hadn't helped him at all. He asked me a very forthright question which I felt deserved a forthright answer: Why would his being a virgin matter to me? My response: Well, a. I don't want to be the more experienced partner, for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I don't want that specter of doubt hanging over me. I don't want the man I'm with to think of me as some kind of loose woman. 2. How do things proceed? How awkward is it going to be to take these steps? 3. I'm not into hearing the "L-word" just cause I've had sex with a person. Will he become overly attached because I'm the first woman he's slept with (should we get to that point)? <br />
<br />
Now, I know that most of these things going through my head are purely stupid, but I can't help it. These were the things going through my head. The one thought that I didn't tell him, the one thought going through my head over and over again up until about an hour and a half ago is this: Why would a decent looking, intelligent, funny man have not been able to find someone to have sex with him after 36 years? What's wrong with this picture? I'm ashamed of myself for thinking this way.<br />
I've read your story and I've read several of the others. I can gladly say that I'm finally beginning to understand. Sometimes it just happens. But now I wonder, is there anything I should be asking myself? Anything I should be asking him? Is it right to continue seeing this man, potentially taking his virginity from him sometime down the line, if I'm not 100% sure I want to continue seeing this man after the fact? There are no guarantees in this world and I can't make anyone any sort of promises. Since coming out of a very, very serious relationship about a year ago, I haven't been able to commit to a man following sex. I'm totally into the relationship before the sex happens, but then once it happens, I'm out the door. Mostly, I know, it's just fear. From your perspective, do you think he's more likely to become overly attached? Is it fair of me to even be entertaining thoughts about this with him? Essentially, is it likely I'll be inflicting more pain on him? Am I, especially considering my highly biased thought processes when he first "came clean", the right person for him? Or maybe I'm just some sort of arrogant a-hole for even asking these sorts of questions in the first place. <br />
<br />
I've seen your posts on other people's stories and you seem to have your act together. Honestly, any insight would be more than welcome, even if all you have to tell me is that I'm a jerk.

You're not a jerk. If you were, you wouldn't be questioning yourself so much. I didn't sleep with anyone until I was 32. There wasn't anything wrong with me - I'm attractive, I have a good job, my own business. I was just shy. And that level of shyness compounds as you get older and you feel less normal. Just be you. If the two of you get to the point where sex is part of your relationship, then trust him to make up his own mind. You aren't responsible for how he might feel, or what he might do, he is. Give him the chance to make that decision. You obviously care for him on some level or you wouldn't be agonizing about it, but it isn't only up to you to decide whether it would be good for you, him, and your relationship (if there is one) to have sex.

I really liked this story. Especially because it was sort of the way I was thinking anyway... I'd like to just do this, with someone who knows what they are doing. So we'll see... this could work. Thank you.

It's not as bad as you all think. Feel free to criticize Craigslist all you want. All it is is a means to connect two people. And for what it's worth, by the time I met the girl who took mine, we ceased being anonymous because we exchanged several e-mails, sent each other pictures, and spoke on the phone numerous times. And my first time was special: she poured us both some wine, lit some candles, and eased me into her bedroom.<br />
<br />
You can screen those who would reply to your ad, so please don't criticize this method outright. After all, many people *would* like to lose their virginity and just don't have what it takes to meet someone to do it. What's more, the personals section is the same thing without the request for virginity-release. I've met several people off of Craigslist and have had no problems with them.<br />
<br />
I suppose if you were to immediately meet the first person to reply to your ad without a picture or description, *then* it'd be an anonymous meeting.<br />
<br />
To each their own.

I should write a couple of new stories so you can see where I gained my insight. I probably sound loose now. :P

Ohh yes predators...

And what about the predators? Maybe its cause I'm a girl, but that's something I definitely would be concerned about...and, it can happen to guys too.

Doesn't sound right to me. :/ I mean, mine sucked but at least it was with someone I knew, trusted and loved. You know? ... I dunno. :/

Umm...its not quite my cup of tea, but I suppose its one way to go about losing one's virginity.

I think this is great for those who are shy...just exercise extreme caution and get respect first.