I'm Struggling

I know I'm small, and I know I shouldn't lose weight, but I really want to. Something is wrong with my mind. I'm 5'3 and 95lbs, possibly less.  I already know that I'm underweight, and I feel like I'm on the verge of having an eating disorder. Every time I weigh myself and discover that I've lost weight I want to lose more. I feel obsessed with the progress. I feel like I can always do better and that I'll never achieve perfection. Losing weight has really gotten into my head. I went to the mall today and tried on size 00 shorts, they fit perfectly, if not a tad too big. I was very pleased with myself, but at the same time I caught myself looking at other women, who, in my head, were a lot smaller than me. The whole time at the mall I was plagued with the thoughts that most women were thinner than me. I want so much to be small. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a skinny person. All I see are my thighs and hips. I poke and prod at them out of hate and disgust. 

I don't know what to think anymore. I know that the size on my pants says 0. Part of me believes that my pants are sized wrong. The other part of me thinks I have a boyish figure. But when I try on my sister's pants which are only a size 2 they fall right off me. I feel like I weigh a lot for being able to wear a 0. I think I'm wearing big zeros. I also think back to when I was 15 and weighed 80 something lbs and wore a 00. How can I be a 00 now and weigh nearly 10 lbs more? Did they change the sizes over the past 5 years so we would all feel smaller than we really are? I also think about how models are also size 0s and are 6 or more inches taller than me. It makes me feel like I need to lose 10 lbs to be model size.

My mind is really playing tricks on me. When ever I eat, I get 'full' super quickly and then feel sick. I know this is a mind game. Just 2 months ago I was able to put away a lot of food. I think I have convinced myself that food makes me sick in order to lose weight. I can also feel myself becoming depressed again. I want to get down to 85lbs, but I doubt I will be able to without having a mental breakdown. A year ago I made it from 115 to 90 lbs and ended up in the mental hospital for trying to kill myself. I wish more than anything that I could be happy with the body I have now. My friends that are bigger than me don't have the body issues that I have. I want their self confidence. I want to be satisfied with being normal and not perfect. I don't want to go the rest of my life regretting what I put into my mouth. I don't want to constantly wish I was the smallest possible size. I just want to happy with myself for once.
silencedsilver silencedsilver
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 30, 2010

You are 1.6002 meters in height. At 95lbs your body mass index (BMI) is 16.86. The lowest BMI in acceptable weight range is 18.5, for a small fr<x>amed woman (your fr<x>ame is small if you can fit your hand around your wrist and it overlaps some). A BMI of 18.5 for your height is 104 pounds. Your ideal weight is around 122.5 pounds (BMI of 21.75; in the center of the acceptable 18.5-25.0 range).<br />
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I'd like to say that I prefer someone with too much weight than too little. Its good to be curvy. Not only that but besides health concerns or extreme issues (25+ pounds), weight is unimportant to me if they are willing to make changes. The real turn-off in terms of weight is being so insecure about it that you won't tell him your weight. Personally I could never be with someone like that because I have the need to be completely open and honest in every area and I expect the same from her. You are fine in the major area so you have little to be worried about.<br />
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Personally I eat as much as possible for two reasons. The first is that I want to gain lean mass (bone and muscle tissue). The second is to lose fat. This is possible because if one does not eat enough food their body goes into starvation mode and will store fat. If you eat a lot then your body will feel free at last and have plenty of nutrients. This will greatly increase your metabolism. I have lost more than 25 pounds of fat and gained more than 10 pounds lean mass over two month period while eating at least 5,000 Calories daily (if not more than 10,000+).<br />
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Let me know if you would like more information about weight control. I am expert as I have been recognized by many doctors as an authority as well as have written books on health and weight management.<br />
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Let me add that personally my body mass index is greater than 30 which is more than overweight, placing me in the obese category. I hardly look obese. I am almost twice as thick/muscular as you and weigh more than twice your weight. In fact I am trying to gain weight.<br />
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ps I apologize for erasing and re-posting my answer. It won't let me edit.