It's Endless

I've never been skinny. I'm not a big person, but I look at my frame and think, I'm too heavy for my size. I got to be skinny just once in my life, for about 5 or 6 months, when my marriage ended many years ago. I didn't eat for a month and weighed about 113 lbs, if not less. Even then, I didn't think I was skinny. Now, I weigh around 132, almost 20 lbs heavier, and I want to cry everytime I step on my scale, every time I look in the mirror. I have been fatter -- yes -- 20 lbs fatter -- but that was also as exceptional as the skinny. It lasted only about a year and was caused by circumstances of my lifestyle.

To keep the weight I am, I run almost every ******* day. I've been running for over 25 years. I've run marathons (2), half marathons (10? 12? 15?), but mostly, I just run 4 miles a day, 4-5 times a week. I go to dance classes and do yoga. Occasionally I get all into weights or sit ups or some equally muscle training exercise. You would think I would be skinny. But no, I'm not. I think I just gain weight, a pound at a time. Every day I wake up with the resolve that I will eat healthily -- no sugar, no cake, no cookies, no ice cream, no anything. I will stick to salad and english muffins and fat free sugar free jello. But, alas, dinner comes, and I find I've scoffed down a full meal. Quite possibly a normal meal, but all the same, not the meal of a person who thinks, I need to lose 10 lbs.

What have I tried? Oh, leek soup weekends (french women don't get fat) and the wonders of claratin curb an appetite like little else. But, ultimately, it seems to be the same. I follow weight watchers from some long learned training there... that too was one of the skinny periods of my life, and I did weigh 121, but I was also training for a marathon and destroyed my body in the process. For weeks I could barely walk. So, I don't run marathons anymore. Besides,  the meetings freak me out and I just track my meals on my own. Points... schmoints. I tell you, even if I write it down, it only works if I stay under the right number of points per day, which is hard to do for me, always hungry, always wanting something more. Baby Carrots and celery sticks are a good snack for like... oh... six or seven nights and then I lose interest. I can't even go a day without eating chocolate as it is!

So, I am sad, very sad. I want to lose weight. yes, for as long as I can remember, I've been wanting to weigh a beautiful, svelte 120 lbs. I can't seem to get there. I tell myself 126 wouldn't be bad. That's just 5-6-7 lbs away on a daily basis. But it seems so far from here because I have been trying for 20 years, 30 years to get there.

Yes, I want to lose weight. 5 lbs, 10 lbs. May it happen. Make it so.

Oh, dear weight loss friends, I hope there is someone out thre like me, someone who 
theboldfox theboldfox
36-40, F
Nov 22, 2010