Binge Eating

So stressed, upset, out of control...I fixate on something not good for me....craving it until I have to drive my car towards the place that has it....today it is donuts, yesterday chinese food...fast food quickly is eaten and the hurried bites temporarily lift me away into comfort, peace, love, so good, so much better...but then it starts to fade....hurry eat more, eat faster, no...this is not how this is supposed to work...where is that feeling...frustration turns to panic...now shove the food in as fast as possible, maybe to get a glimpse of that feeling once more until the food is gone...now sits empty wrappers....shameful, ugly, stinky, dirty...reminders of the hundreds of empty calories just eaten..money thrown away....

Slink down into the car seat..find someplace to hide the evidence...feel the feeling of nausea, guilt, shame...you cannot even stop from binge eating...why do you do this to yourself? How will you ever lose weight by doing this? How stupid and fat are you?

A single tear falls from my face as I drive silently the rest of the way home...to family dinner where another full meal is served. I eat slowly, tasting each healthy bite. The good food does not nourish. It is a punishment.

I later lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. It would be nice to live up there....no food to worry about, no one up there to hurt me, no paperwork, phones or stress...but alas, I have to stay on this side of the room....set my alarm...eat the one piece of chocolate starting at me.....and close my eyes feeling emotionally heavier and knowing my physical body will also be heavier in the morning.
AnnDroid7 AnnDroid7
41-45, F
May 10, 2012