I Want To Look Like My Family Again.

Warning: this is not PC. It's not who, in an ideal world, anyone should think. It's not how I want myself to think. But it's how I do think. And the outcome... isn't actually bad.

I come rom a line of tiny people. Not short, skinny. My sister, brother, grandmother, great-aunts, et cetera. We are tall and skinny. My mom's side also has hinky calves,* and any excess weight we do have hangs out in the thigh/calf area, thus accentuating that fact, but we look good in pants.

I have always been skinny. Skinny, but not fit since I was about twelve and quit gymnastics because I hadI  feet trouble. So, legs that were both bigger than the rest of me, flabby and odd-looking.

I own two pairs of shorts and I do not wear them out of the house.

I went to college. I did not gain the 'freshman fifteen.' I came back for the summer. I started sophomore year, with my own kitchen. I went on a baking binge. (I have an...obsessive personality. Nothing half-way, ever.) Still no extra. Second semester: I started running and making healthy deserts.

A word: I always scoffed at counting calories. I still don't literally count them. So when I say healthy, I mean whole food, tasty stuff. The kind you could eat for breakfast. But the thing about those kind healthy deserts is that they tend to be higher-calorie.

And I snacked. I was really into food, and I always wanted something in my mouth when I was home, and when I started it was hard to stop. When something tastes good to me, I will keep putting it in my mouth until I run out. Fruit, carrots, nut butter, crackers... on and on. Not unhealthy things, but I overate very consistently.

I mentioned that my upper and lower body are not proportionate. My upper body is an extra-small/small, depending on the brand. If it's a fitted tee-shirt, I get a medium because I don't like super tight clothes. My legs have been 0-2 since middle school. Now my upper body is still slim but my pants size is 3-5.

"That's still skinny! " Well, yes. But it isn't my family-skinny, and I am separated enough from my family right now.

My mother is a teacher. My sisters are teachers, my grandmother and most of my great aunts were teachers. My brother is a Doctor of Economics and a college professor. My father is a lawyer.

I'm going to be an opera singer.

See the disconnect? I'm straddling two totally foreign worlds right now. Half of the male population in the Conservatory is gay, and I honestly couldn't care less who my classmates are sleeping with, but when I raised the question of rooming with a gay guy to my sister (trial for my mother) she said, "Well, if he's a homosexual, then that's even more of an issue. You don't want that lifestyle in your house."

Um, excuse me. What lifestyle is that? Sleeping with men? Wake-up call, sis, My current FEMALE roommate's boyfriend lives in her room. Whether I'm with girls or gay guys, someone will be sleeping with a man 'in my house.'

I didn't say that, I 'mm-hmm'ed my way through the end of the conversation, gave my regrets to the guy, and didn't raise the question again, because I like peace and not being someone that needs converting.

I'm also boyfriend-less. First-kiss-less. I am twenty years old, and while I freely admit that I am a complete and total dork I don't think I am hideous, and I have never been asked out on a date. 

And I don't go to Tiny Christian College, I go to Big State School (yet another difference between me and my sibs. And entire family). Everyone dates, has dated, will date. My roommate even eloped last semester. And that one's not a family thing, either—my sister's getting married in July, and my brother's wife is pregnant with their second child.

Okay, add insecure to the 'complete and total dork.' The point is, I want to be more like my sister, or at least less different than my sister. I want to be and extra-small everywhere. And since genetics says that I store my fat on my legs, that means I lose weight. Well, lose fat, since I will run for half and hour six mornings a week and do some Netflix yoga videos in the evenings (I know it's not the real thing, but that doesn't mean the won't make me flexible). I will tone my legs and burn more calories, and stop snacking and taking seconds. Because I never take seconds because I'm hungry but because it tastes good. 

There will be salads and roast veggies, and beans or eggs once a day. There will not be bread. There will not be sugar. There will not be dairy. There will be fat, but not in excess. There will be jumping jacks during commercials. 

I know that I am not fat, but I have gained weight and I am bigger than my sister when we have always had the same bodies. I think I would be content with just toning my legs, not making them smaller (except the calf/ankle area, but I'd deal with that) except of the flab. Yes, I said flab. Loose jiggly celulose-y fat from the hips down, and that doesn't look good in a size five any more than a size sixteen.

I would love to be comfortable in shorts or a dress be the wedding. My actual bridesmaid's dress is floor-length and strapless, so if I'm not it isn't an enormous deal, I'll just wear pants to the rehearsal dinner. But I do want to reach that point. And yesterday my mom pointed out that I'd gained some weight, so it's noticeable. I'm going to lose it.

I'm going to look like my family again, even if I may never live like them.

Starting today.

*We have what I can only describe as cankles, except not really. Whenever you hear about cankles, you get "ankle size is determined by bone size, and you can't change that." But our (mine, my mother's and my sister's) bones are all long and thin, including the ones at our ankles. But our calves begin very abruptly where the ankles are supposed to be.; while I can wrap my fingers around my ankle half an inch above my ankle bone, at one inch I can only reach 2/3 of the way around. I think they look so odd because we have small bones. (I hope this goes away with my skinny-legs.)
dropkeys dropkeys
18-21
May 19, 2012