The Never Ending Journey

Where do I even start.

I have been an overweight person since I was 5 years old. Both my parents were overweight along with my siblings. I still was always the target.

My family all tormented me about my weight, yet ceased to ever help with this matter. All of my childhood I remember my brothers constantly teasing me calling me anything from "jumbo jet" to a "blimp". All of the years and torture of my brothers telling me that no one would ever love me and I was just fat and disgusting, ugly, the world would be a better place without my fat ***..this took a toll on me. I would always tell them that they were wrong but in the end they would just gang up and try to convince me otherwise by repeating the same words over and over until I had tears streaming down my face and I believed I was lower than dirt, absolutely beyond worthless. This was a usual occurrence in my home, although my parents at times tried to control the teasing it never, ever ended. My brothers even got to the point where they would physically harm me because of the way that I looked. At school I thrived with friends, but at home I felt as if I was prisoner to this mental and physical torture.

At the age of 11 (200 pounds) I finally had a mental break down. I could NOT take it ANYMORE. I remember going to the kitchen and grabbing a butcher knife out of the drawer, holding it up to my throat and announcing to my family as they were watching TV that I didn't want to live anymore. They just told me to cut that **** out and put it back. I remember screaming at them, releasing all of that torment I had held inside that "No, I had had enough. I was going to die." All the years of being told such horrible things made me feel as if truly nobody wanted me, and I was worthless, ugly and incapable of love or being loved. I cannot remember any other time in my life where things had been any worse. At that point, I really wished death upon myself. I figured life would be better without the "fatty that was always around to gross my everyone out." Later we had a family meeting and my brothers apologized but the teasing never did stop. I found the strength from God to continue on with life. This didn't stop me from however, feeling depressed and engaging in acts of self harm.

Through time I found out that I did love myself and I was worthy whether my family said so or not.
I stopped hanging out with my friends. Relied on food to keep me company. This only made me get bigger. By the age of 14 I was 267 pounds. DISGUSTING. When I heard those numbers at the doctor, I knew I had to do something. I reached out and got involved with another overweight friend, we both started working out together regularly. This SIGNIFICANTLY improved my quality of life. I had something to strive for, in fact, I ended up losing well over 50 pounds. Teasing still continued with my brothers. My parents acted jealous of the progress I had made and did not congratulate me. This made me turn to food, once again.
A year later, I had gained back majority of what I had lost.
I spent the next three years around 250 Pounds. I was happy, but not. I was happy with who I was inside as a person, but not who the person outside looked like.

After graduation, I lost my childhood home to foreclosure and had to move out to the ghetto. Literally. Gun fights, murders. It was not a pleasant place to lay your head at night. Living down there 30 miles away from my job, friends, made me super depressed. I began eating once again as a means to fulfill what I was missing. This only made me unhappier. My brother was living with me at the time and he still continued to make fun of me. We had one of his friends move in and guess what - the two of them ganged up on me once again. I felt trapped again. I had nothing. No one to live for, not even myself. Somehow I knew that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I held on.

Sure enough, a year and a half later at the age of 19, I moved back in with my parents. That day was revolutionary. I finally found the passion inside myself to achieve what I truly wanted.
I began by cutting out sugar completely, which in turn gave me more energy. I began taking supplements to increase my nutrition and turned my diet into only fruits, vegetables, whole grains,and protein. I naturally began to have more energy as well as motivation and a positive attitude. I started walking. Walking turned into doing an hours worth of aerobics along with walking. This turned into walking, aerobics and belly dancing. Within three months I had already dropped 30 pounds. My "glow" apparently rubbed off on other people, because they began being more health conscious and eager to lose weight as well. I got my friend to work out with me and we both would spend hours a day swimming, doing aerobics, and running. By the end of the summer I lost 65 pounds. I weighed 190 pounds, the last time I weighed that was before I entered middle school.

I realized that I had started to attract all kinds of attention from different men and women. People were intrigued by my success. Unfortunately, I found myself in a rut after I began to see someone. My motivation to work out and drive to lose weight vanished. I still am active and have not gained back the weight, but am seeking to empower myself once again. I wish to have that drive again - the beautiful feeling of waking up and being ready to tackle the day, and lose weight!

I just currently got out of a long term relationship and I see what the scars of my brothers teasing have left. I never felt good enough to be loved by him. I don't even know if I truly love myself even. That is a sad reality. All of those years of being told so many negative things, really showed up in my relationship. I am now trying to get back on the right path and finish the journey I have begun. I strive to be the healthiest I can possibly be. Any words of encouragement to finish this journey would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.. if at all.
meadowpeace meadowpeace
22-25, F
4 Responses May 20, 2012

Awe your story is motivational. It might sound weird but something that helps to motivate me to want to lose weight is looking at pictures of places I want to go, things I want to do, and clothes I want to wear. I feel like my weight holds me back. You should be sooooooo proud of yourself for losing that first bit of weight and keeping it off. You can do it again and reach your goal! It shows strength to do something like that and obviously you've got it, you just need to see that :). I have been teased about weight and it really is a low blow to your self esteem but it sounds like the teasers are uncomfortable with something in their life. I think you've done great, so walk with your head held high! Now my question to you is how did you lose all of that weight before? What exactly did you do, and how long did it take to lose it? I myself need to lose weight and I'm just curious of what exactly other people are doing. I know eat healthy, exercise, and drink a lot of water.. but those are very vague you know? Anyways like I said I think you have really done a good job so far and I know you can reach your goal! I feel like motivational support is an important thing to weight loss so lets support eachother.

I really truly appreciate your response. :) It's weird but people I have met since I lost the weight have no idea that I ever weighed more. It's a strange thing to come to realize when someone does not understand your background and how you have come to be who you are currently. When I look in the mirror I get confused because my brain has an image of what my old body used to look like, not this new body. I also came to realize that I never even knew truly how BIG I was, until I put a picture of me now and one from when I was 19 side by side. I don't even look like the same person. It's like a weird trick the brain plays on us.. we know who we are inside but the outside does not reflect, really I thought I was smaller when I was bigger.
Boy was I wrong.
In order to lose the weight I researched extensively about what foods would supply me with proper nutrition/energy. I immediately cut out sugar because it always seemed to give me a headache and most people are unaware that they are addicted to it. This seriously changed my moods from gloomy to vavaVOOM ready to go. Instead of coffee in the morning, I drank green tea. I made sure to exercise for at least 30 minutes in the morning before I ate. This sets your metabolism to be running throughout the entire day. Breakfast consisted mainly of either fruit, organic almonds, or oatmeal. I found that these foods filled me up and gave me energy. Generally I would go hiking (when the weather was nice) after my morning shift for about an hour and a half, then drink a smoothie. Being one with nature cleared my head and brought positive thoughts to me. Each day I tried to advance, eventually within a few weeks I was literally RUNNING these trails. I was SO proud of myself! I also brought along two buddies with me (it's never smart to hike alone..) They also motivated me. Cheering me on. Kept me going. Lunch time I always made sure majority of my lunch consisted of green leafy vegetables of all kinds ( spinach especially) and some type of protein. One of the things I would make was a whole wheat pita with two slices of turkey bacon, one slice of cheese, stuffed with zucchini, yellow squash, cucumber, tomato, avocado, and lots of fresh spinach. The veggies gave me great energy. After lunch, I would do Gilad Total Body Sculpt on FITTV. He SERIOUSLY helped me lose weight. I HIGHLY recommend him. I felt more fit, firmer, and all around motivated when I followed his program. I would always follow up with the belly dancing show called "Shimmy" This was a really fun way to exercise, and learn some sexy moves. :) I also invested in resistance bands and 10 pound weights, which helped a lot with strength and toning. At work I always made sure I was walking around and even doing "step ups" on the curb while watching the kids on the playground. I even resorted to walking up and down the stairs over and over while watching them. Any little thing counts. For dinner I made an effort to go shopping weekly and pick up random vegetables I had never tried, find a healthy recipe and attempt to make it. Even if it turned out not so good, I still made myself eat until I was full and then told myself that I had already eaten dinner and that was that, I couldn't have anything else. If I ever got hungry later I usually would slice a green apple extremely thin and squeeze fresh lemon over it. This is really good. I also freely ate cucumbers, lettuce, any veggie really. After coming from the grocery store I made an effort to cut them up into bite size pieces and put them into portable containers so I NEVER had an excuse to not eat right. I always carried some type of fruit or vegetable with me (or almonds). These always satisfied my hunger. When I watched other people eat nasty greasy food, I just would picture how much fat was pouring out of it. I remembered how it would make me feel lethargic and gross if I was the one to consume it. By doing this, I changed my thinking. A burger went from "yum" to absolutely stomach turning. I no longer was addicted to these nasty foods. I loved the way fruits and vegetables made me feel both inside and out! Also the way it made my skin look. I literally was glowing because of the nutrients I received. The only things I ever drank were either green tea, water, or a smoothie. Nothing else. Juice contains too much added sugar ( and like I said, sugar gives me headaches) There is natural sugar in fruits but it's not nearly as bad as long as you're controlling your servings. That was another important part, learning what a true serving was. I had no idea that what my parents had shown me all those years, was in fact twice if not three times the amount of what I should have been eating. Think about your stomach.. yes it can stretch, but imagine how hard it has to work when you overfill it with nothing but carbohydrates. Yikes. Not a fun time. We are meant to eat throughout the day in smaller portions, not giant meals all at once. Carbs should primarily be consumed in the morning, so it can be burnt off throughout the day. During the summer time I spent hours swimming laps in the pool as well as doing stationary kicks and exercises at the steps of the pool. I really noticed a difference in my flexibility, strength, and especially firmness of my body. Plus all the sun is a natural form of happiness. Being active right away and starting the day off right always inspired me to finish it off right.
I started my journey in Jan 2010- and pretty much ended all extensive portions of it May 2011 (when I met my ex boyfriend..) If I would have stuck with it and remained motivated I know I would not be where I am today.. I would be much healthier. Now it is time to get back on track. Thanks for the inspiration once again. :) Super long comment back but I hope this information has helped you, if you have anymore questions do not hesitate to ask. The support here to you is likewise. :)

You keep going, girl! No matter what anyone else may think, you are beautiful, inside and out. I decided to lose weight in high school and over the summer lost enough weight for my friends to notice. At first I started losing weight just to show people that I was more than a fat girl, and I proved them wrong. I continued afterwards and eventually reached my goal weight because of all of the positive comments I recieved from friends, even grudgingly recieving one from someone who had previously teased me for being overweight. You CAN do it.

Thank you for your kindness and support! That is an amazing accomplishment! Congratulations on your success! I strive for the day that I will not be the "fattest" one in the group. I know that I am capable and this break up has really given me the sense that I am ready once again. I think my relationship actually ended because I wanted to lose weight and never brought it up or changed due to him and his lifestyle. Who knows, this could be the best year of my life, considering he broke up with me on my birthday! :)

Thank you for your support :) I must remain strong. This week has proved that if I can get through this, I can get through anything! I am beginning to rediscover God. For the past year I have been with a man that tried to convince me God was not even real. I never fell for his form of beliefs, but I have found that I have strayed away from the love I once felt. My connection with my faith is literally just about gone. I am currently seeking to regain my faith and wisdom in the higher power.

Your story is awesome!!! You can do it!! Just push forward and rememeber that anything is possible and that no matter what brings you down you can always climb back up! I am not sure if you are a Jesus follower or not but I became a Christian in 2007 and I use this verse to help me in my week moments.>>philp 4:13 I can do anything in Chirst who strengthens me! Good luck on your journey!!