the beginning of an end

I used to battle buliemia. i say battle cause it felt like a constant struggle(though it was really like a constant beat down, no worthy attempts to fight back, just weakly laying there feeling its effects ) daily, and every moment i would, in some way always connecting everything, to thinking about....it. me. whatever i had become and whatever this thing was that all of a sudden had control of me. This almost constant feeling of dealing with this thing, at not being able to pull myself up, at not feeling like there was ever any kind of help avalible was wearing me down down down to a low so dark and deep down that im really surprised no one really said anything. My friends i think-we unwillingly aware, and my family of boys were probably just baffled that i was always so depressed, grouchy, angry, bitchy, crying unexpectedly, then with suddenly(to them) switch moods to highly energetic and seemingly happy. **** thoes were terrible days. compulsive eating and not knowing-yet still hating-myself.

sigh

these past 3 weeks...maybe even before that. this past month i've felt...free. i dont have the overwhelming urge to eat, i dont start the cycle and i dont feel guilty. i dont go to bed with a once full-now empty stomach, i dont tell myself i'll do better tomorrow, i promise, i promise.

not anymore.

i wont pinpoint the time things changed cause i really couldn't tell for sure. i just dont want to know. im just so, so, so, ******* relieved that it feels like its almost over. i cant believe i've come farther than my pathetic hunched over the sink days, crying and feeling helpless self ever thought she could come.

i think, i should thank God. for the people he put in my life and the person that i think he designed me to be, to handle all of this. it just feels all downhill now

beyondfear beyondfear
18-21, F
Mar 12, 2009