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The (not-so)merry-go-round

I am so tired of being over weight.  It amazes me how much I, and so many others spend time obsessing, struggling, and outright fighting with our weight.  I wish it didn't control me.

But it does.

I wake in the morning, and it's the first thing I think about.  I go to sleep at night, same thing.  It makes me so angry!

I was obese.  I lost the weight, slowly.  About 75lbs.  I even got to a decent goal weight and maintained for years, but I wasn't happy with the results because, while I was viewed as thin, I had "skin issues" (seriously unattractive, when the skin won't snap back like it does on those lucky people.  My skin is more inelastic than anyone else I have ever known.  Accidentally zipping my tummy skin in my jeans was an eye opening experience, let me tell you.)  So, being at goal weight and knowing I was supposed to look better than I did depressed the hell out of me.

I started to lose my way.  If I didn't look good, and I didn't feel good - what was the point?  Because the food sure as heck TASTED good.  It was the only "good" I could find in the equation.  Of course, it had a lot of bad attached too, along with pounds.  It wasn't the right decision.  But for an emotional eater like myself?  It wasn't all that surprising that I went that way once again.

I gained.  About 30 back.  I talked with my husband; maybe a tummy-tuck to deal with the skin issues would make it worth staying at goal?  I did it well over a year ago.  I'm STILL about 20 lbs up.  This is ridiculous. 

If I lost all the weight I want (20 lbs from here to my old goal weight, 30 to my ultimate goal weight), my surgery choice will not have been useless.  I feel the pressure - to not make that horribly vain decision to get the surgery that i saved up for a wasted effort.  More pressure, along with all the rest.  The question I am struggling with is finding the reason why I can't seem to get my act together. 

It's me.  100% me.  NO excuses.  I know it, and well.

I think it's all about the emotional eating.  Where I live, I am lonely.  There are no neighbors, no groups to get together with, no family, no organizations minus a couple of churches that I will not attend for myriad reasons, no gyms (I exercise at home), nothing.  I work out of my home (although even that has ground to a halt - I tried looking for jobs, and no one is hiring - not even the little service jobs, which would be awful with so many degrees under my belt - but I looked anyway), and I also take care of my children.  But, I am lonely.  My husband is my only friend, and I hate that he carries that burden.  He is not lonely here.  The kids are not lonely here.  Only I am. 

Knowing that I am the only "defective" one makes it even worse.  I can't talk about it, because when I do I'm the idiot.  The whiner (Yes, I am aware I am doing that here - but I'm also sharing a valid reason for my motivation to act stupidly when it comes to food.  It's no excuse, it's just a motivating factor.)

I work hard at having only myself be enough for me.  But I'm not.  I'm training for a 1/2 marathon, I know fitness and nutrition forwards and backwards.  And... I've come to realize that maybe my weight... my FAT is my only friend?  As long as I have weight to lose, I have that to focus on.  I may hate it, I may loath thinking about it morning, noon, and night... but at least it's always there.

What happens when it's gone?

So, this is where I am.  Working on trying to move forward.  To lose the weight.  To conquer my own stupidity in the process.  If I'm this lonely fat, I think I'd rather be this lonely thin - all things considered.

WinterWhisper WinterWhisper 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 12, 2009

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I want you to know that there are people out here that will stand by and help you through this. I am currently beginning my weight loss journey, and have 140 lbs to lose, and am really worried about how long it will take. You have to realize that your skin didn't stretch out over night, and it does sometimes take over a year to even shrink slightly. My doctor told me that when I asked her about how long I should wait after reaching my goal to have the extra skin removed. I know it is a long road, but like you I don't want to go through all the effort just to be depressed about the way I look for another reason. If you do need a friend to vent to, and support you through the last few pounds, and would be willing to support me and share your success stories with me let me know. I do have yahoo instant messenger, and would be willing to chat with you at any time.