Addicted To Food
Growing up i never had a weight problem because i was bulimic. It was right after college that i seemed to be gaining weight because i was afraid of getting throat cancer from throwing up all the time, but still i would never be considered fat. When i got pregnant though September of 2002 and after giving birth 2003, i was the biggest i had ever been in my entire life at 175 lbs. I'm 5'4", of athletic build my weight pre-baby was 115 to 125 lbs. Around 2006, i decided to to something about my weight, i did this through diet and exercise, no shortcuts. It took 2 years and by Christmas of 2008, i was at 130 lbs. I didn't feel comfortable being without my fat. I don't know why, i seemed more comfortable being unnoticed. It was disconcerting for me to be slim because relationships that i had with the people around me seemed to get disrupted. That Christmas of 2008 when i showed up for a family reunion, i thought i'd be congratulated for my efforts but instead i was encouraged to eat more because i looked too thin. In retrospect, i was all wrong in my motivation to lose weight, it was all geared on wanting to please my husband and try to impress relatives and friends. Deep inside, i had turmoil and eating was an escape, an addiction. I admit, i am addicted to food. I once read that in ancient rome when they would have their orgies it would start off with a banquet. The romans would unceasingly eat and what allowed them to do so was they would conveniently barf into a vase set up right beside their chaise lounge. I thought if the romans did it why can't I? This would best describe my eating habits pre-pregnancy and pre-motherhood. By the Grace of God, the minute i found out i was pregnant my bulimia stopped. I was afraid of getting throat cancer and i was also afraid it might do harm to my baby. So bulimia gone and smoking gone, yes i smoked too to control my weight, but with the same eating habits i started to gain a considerable amount of weight. All my life i've been running away from being fat. The irony of it all is, i lost the weight naturally, did all the right things but i felt uncomfortable being slim. I felt like a fraud being slim. Summer of 2009, my husband too was going through a lot of difficult medical issues, he almost died. From July 11 to August 13 of 2009, he was confined at the hospital. It was stressful and emotionally gut wrenching but again through God's Grace he recovered and is still recuperating at home. The whole time, i ate and ate to make myself feel better. When he got home to recover, i cooked and cooked and ate and ate. Now it's 2010 and from 130 lbs i'm now 160 lbs. I feel terrible that i gained almost all the weight back but at the same time comfortable. There's this feeling i have that tells me i deserve to be fat. For several days now, i've been feeling aches on my knees and i could hardly keep up with my child. What it comes down to now is that if i don't take care of me nobody might be around to take care of my child. Her father already has health issues, it is unfair of me to deprive her of another parent. So now im going to embark anew on a weight loss journey. What's different this time? I don't know sometimes i feel it's hopeless but i have to do this for me because i don't want to die prematurely from a weight related illness. Tomorrow, is Day 1. I need all of your help, i can't do this alone. Specially since everyone around me seems to want to keep feeding me.