Now What?

I've spent most of my adult life loving a man so passionately that I was willingly giving up my soul for him. Unfortunately he didn't love me back in the way I needed and wanted him to.  This experience has left me so emotionally handicapped that I can't even bring myself to try to hope for anything. 

I meet this guy online and we become really good friends fast.  We've talk about everything and anything together.  All along I tell him and myself that I'm not ready for any type of relationship. He tells me to give him a chance just by getting to know him.  After many sleepless nights and anxiety attacks later, I hear myself say those words to him....."I love you!"  I was so stunned that I even couldn't recall saying it to him twice! 

Trust me when I say this. I am a mental wreck and have no business starting anything with anyone.  I can't help myself.  Everything with him seems so natural.  I don't have to try. I can just be my imperfect self.  He wants to kiss me as many times as I want to kiss him.  He wants to hold me as tightly as I want to hold him.  We couldn't seem to make love enough times.  None of it was ever enough to show each other what we felt for one another.  Its more than I could have ever hoped for. 

Here's the thing. There's 500 miles that separate us.  I've spent too many years being lonely married to someone.  I don't want to be in love with someone and still feel lonely.  I can't move and neither can he. 

Fate can be so cruel at times.

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1 Response Jul 22, 2010

I wish I knew the answer, I started reading your message,filling me with hope, you found joy, maybe I can, then, as I say I haven't got the answer but its a big world,somebody else might have.