Trying To Be Like "the Little Engine That Could"I grew up dreaming of becoming a wife and mother. Didn't matter to me what my career was as long as I had the husband and children to love and care for. For a long time, I was in a loveless, sexless marriage. I had to put an end to it because I had very little soul left and I simply couldnt allow what was left to die off.
So here I am now. A single woman in her mid 40's free to seek out a man to love and shower him with all my affection and desire. Should be easy right? There's many single lonely men out there who wants to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
Because I am a woman who is honest, doesn't play emotional games, clearly says whats on her mind, easily shows lots of affection and desire, I have been told by men that I can be intimidating and overwhelming.
I have met single men my age that have plenty of emotional wounds so raw that they can't even fanthom that the woman standing in front of them wants nothing but to give them all the good things that they have always wanted and dreamed of. I've sent a few running for the hills. They want reassurances and guarantees that they won't get hurt. If only that was possible. Or in my case, the situation in which the relationship would have to be isn't what they pictured having. I've had to throw out the word conventional out of my dictionary a long time ago.
I myself have so much emotional baggage that all I want to do is block them out. I don't want fear to continue stiffling me. I suck it up and pretend like I know what Im doing because I want what I want. To find someone that will love me as passionately as I love him.
I've been taking a beating. Each blow more painful and chipping away a bits of me away with it. Im so petrified of falling in love that the last time I told a man "I love you", I had panic attacks for 3 days. My chest hurt so bad I kept going to the nurse to make sure I wasn't having a stroke.
I know many single women who decided long ago that it just wasnt in the cards for them to have a life partner. They lead happy, fulfilling lives.
I sometimes wonder if maybe I need to switch gears and start thinking along those lines. It may bring me peace?
I just can't stop thinking, what a waste. Here I am ready to give and no one has the courage to want to try having happiness with me. I dont understand how men can easily take chances with their lives by smoking cigarettes or simply getting inside their car to drive but they wont risk their heart to try to fall in love.
Am I wrong to believe that there isn't a guy out there who wants to run as far away from his painful past that he's willing to gamble and love like he has never loved before? (That sounded so cliche.)
If there is, I would love to meet him.
This post isn't to try depress anyone or have a pity party for me. I'm hoping it will get some people to think that maybe they need to lift their heads out of that hole they have been hiding so they can give someone a chance at winning their heart.
If you get hurt or disappointed, you're not the only one. Just remember you are in good company. :)
Mahal1023 46-50, F 17 Responses 13 Aug 18, 2012