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Trying To Be Like "the Little Engine That Could"

I grew up dreaming of becoming a wife and mother. Didn't matter to me what my career was as long as I had the husband and children to love and care for. For a long time, I was in a loveless, sexless marriage. I had to put an end to it because I had very little soul left and I simply couldnt allow what was left to die off.

So here I am now. A single woman in her mid 40's free to seek out a man to love and shower him with all my affection and desire. Should be easy right? There's many single lonely men out there who wants to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Because I am a woman who is honest, doesn't play emotional games, clearly says whats on her mind, easily shows lots of affection and desire, I have been told by men that I can be intimidating and overwhelming.

I have met single men my age that have plenty of emotional wounds so raw that they can't even fanthom that the woman standing in front of them wants nothing but to give them all the good things that they have always wanted and dreamed of. I've sent a few running for the hills. They want reassurances and guarantees that they won't get hurt. If only that was possible. Or in my case, the situation in which the relationship would have to be isn't what they pictured having. I've had to throw out the word conventional out of my dictionary a long time ago.

I myself have so much emotional baggage that all I want to do is block them out. I don't want fear to continue stiffling me. I suck it up and pretend like I know what Im doing because I want what I want. To find someone that will love me as passionately as I love him.

I've been taking a beating. Each blow more painful and chipping away a bits of me away with it. Im so petrified of falling in love that the last time I told a man "I love you", I had panic attacks for 3 days. My chest hurt so bad I kept going to the nurse to make sure I wasn't having a stroke.

I know many single women who decided long ago that it just wasnt in the cards for them to have a life partner. They lead happy, fulfilling lives.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I need to switch gears and start thinking along those lines. It may bring me peace?

I just can't stop thinking, what a waste. Here I am ready to give and no one has the courage to want to try having happiness with me. I dont understand how men can easily take chances with their lives by smoking cigarettes or simply getting inside their car to drive but they wont risk their heart to try to fall in love.

Am I wrong to believe that there isn't a guy out there who wants to run as far away from his painful past that he's willing to gamble and love like he has never loved before? (That sounded so cliche.)

If there is, I would love to meet him.

This post isn't to try depress anyone or have a pity party for me. I'm hoping it will get some people to think that maybe they need to lift their heads out of that hole they have been hiding so they can give someone a chance at winning their heart.

If you get hurt or disappointed, you're not the only one. Just remember you are in good company. :)
Mahal1023 Mahal1023 46-50, F 15 Responses Aug 18, 2012

Your Response


There are many men who would welcome your ways.

Regarding your question about switching gears, we have to be our own person, first, if we really want to love and be loved.

Best wishes to you.

to love is to be can bring you joy or pain, and often times both, but to me it's worth it. There's nothing better than loving and being loved, even when it hurts. xo

Wow! So powerfully written, M! I can honestly tell you that any man would do well to give you that chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, goes the old saying. You are a diamond in the rough out there, just waiting to be polished by the right man. I hope you get that, you deserve it, and losing you to spinsterhood would be such a waste on mankind! :-)

Thank you for the kind words. :)

I have so much baggage I need a 2nd Taxi!! Good luck. Take care AB

Thank you. Everyone has baggage..... A LOT OF IT!!! We have to live with why not live with it and still try to find what we want and need???

"If only" is the bane of m(an)y existance. You are very courageous to put it all out there and I can only hope you show us all it is possible to find that elusive one. He will be one lucky SOB. :-)

Oh Geetar...I'm exhausted and emotionally spent right now...I want to hide....but now after you said all that....I feel like I have to save face....pick my head out of the sand......maybe I'll think about peeking out again......

If I do find that elusive will be me that is the very lucky one. :)

the underlying cause of angst with second time around folks is that they may have been under the impression that their first marriage/relationship was the true I love you scenario. Unfortunately men & women are, I believe, are fearful of finding out that the "I love you" of before will repeat itself once again. A condition that I myself will have to struggle with at some point.

Imo353, everyone has baggage. Thinking that a new relationship will end up like the last one is sabotage. If you truly think that, do the other person a favor and walk away. Don't even try. The first thing in your mind when you are first getting to know someone should be all the happiness and adventures the two of you are going to share. It shouldn't be contemplating at what point in the relationship are they going to hurt me.

The trouble is lately it hasn't been my baggage that is keeping me from getting what I want. It's been his. :(

True, and good point. However the simplistic approach of my youth has given way to a more pragmatic sense of reasoning. I can love again, but the next time around the eyes will shut. Experience will count, and not just pot luck.

Like your story. Would love to get to know you better

"I just can't stop thinking, what a waste. Here I am ready to give and no one has the courage to want to try having happiness with me. "<br />
<br />
much empathy...

Thank you too. :)

wow you will find one day what you are looking for .With the hurt and long term disappointment you been threw I share your pain.

I do love your story, it is much like mine, I lost my self a long time ago. I'm trying to make a friendship that will never be. <br />
I hope that you can and will find the happiness that you deserve. I know I am older than you, and boring. But I am always looking for new friends to talk to and get to know. I will never pressure you. But I figure it doesn't hurt to ask.<br />
Good luck to your future happiness.

I'm trying to figure out where to begin. I'll start here. I'm married and no one has ever expressed my feelings perfectly as you have in this story. I'm in this relationship because I really meant my vows. But nothing has gone according to what I expected or hoped. The business side of the relationship is as good as it gets for middle class during a recession. The marriage side exactly the opposite, short of violence and cheating. Actually knowing there's someone else out there who understands is a Godsend.

Sundragon, I dont know details of your marriage but like you, I looked at my marriage vows as sacred and never to be broken. Trace back my family history for generations and no one has EVER divorced. I spent most of my adult life in love with a man who decided to close his heart and body off to me years ago. I had accepted this fate and had planned to make the best of it. While he had left me emotionally, he didnt want to divorce.
Inside, my soul had been dying off. Physically I was falling apart. Insomnia and depression was getting the best of me. I would fall asleep behind the wheel many times. My hair was falling out. Menstrual cycle disappeared for half a year. The list goes on and on. He had an affair. He still didnt want to leave and wanted to work on the marriage. For a short while I did. I say I because as always he expected me to be the one to do all the work. Again he was saying what he wanted, expected me to fix it and his behaviors didnt change. I took a step back and realized that there was nothing left to save of our marriage. If you find, that you are the only one that sees there is a problem in your marriage and the only one running circles to try to fix it then your husband is content with the way things are and will most likely never change. Acceptance of that doesnt solve your problem but will help give you peace. If both of you are fighting with one another trying to turn the marriage around then theres hope. Dont do what I did. Stay in a marriage that was slowly killing me in every possible way because of a vow. My marriage had died years ago and we should had respectfully put it to rest. I sincerely wish you luck and hope that you find your way.

thank you. People talk about that wonderful feeling of being in love, the passion, etc. We both see something is wrong with our marriage but we don't agree on what the problem is or, consequently, how to fix it. I don't think I'll ever have that wonderful feeling again. If you don't mind, I'll be glad to share with you. Maybe you have more that I can learn. Today its coping with the loss of the physical, especially when the plumbing really works and is screaming for attention.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry along with you. I'm free as a bird to seek it out. Unfortunately, the one person I desperately wanted it from is simply not ready for me. So again, Im feeling trapped. This too shall pass. :)

I love this post and I love that you are a woman whose put herself out there looking for what you want. I'm still struggling to save my marriage, but fearing more and more each day that I won't be able to save it. I wish I knew why when you want to give all you have of yourself to another, it's either not enough or not what they actually wanted.<br />
<br />
I hope that you find that man for you, and when you do please tell me so that I know it is possible.

Thank you for your well wishes. I left my toxic marriage for me. It wasn't in the hopes of finding someone better. Some people do that and when they dont find someone to fall in love with they become bitter.
My life after the divorce has been full of many struggles and disappointments.
It is also filled with lots of love, laughter and happiness. I've got a long way to go but I am becoming a better and healthier me. As I would love nothing more than fall madly in love with a man that loves me as passionately, whats more important in my life is that l learn to love myself more passionately than anyone else. It sounds selfish and self centered. Through this all, I have realized that if I do that, I won't ever accept anything less than what I think I deserve. Hope all this makes sense.

It makes perfect sense. I am rediscovering myself right now, and learning to love myself the way I hope to be loved. I'm still struggling to hold my marriage together...but I won't be able to do that if I'm not whole myself. I no longer think there is anything I can do to make him want me, but I do no that existing isn't the right answer for me any more!

Haha,, have you tried '50 shades of grey?'

I have all 3 books downloaded on my iphone but havent got around to reading it yet. Funny you mention it, invited to a 50-shades of Gray party Friday night. Not sure that Im going to make it.

You should read them. statistics are shown, that women use this book for their own personal excitement. It creates an atmosphere for the readers :)
I haven't read them either but i've heard its a 'must read' book.

happy to read that u r not disappoint to fail first love and have positive thinking to search love in other right man i am worried about my sister i love her very much she is thirty four years age divorced have eight years daughter mostly i forced her to be choose other man and marry but she is afraid very much for next time i am frank with her in our society a brother can not openly discuss with her sister but i did she said how can i sleep with other person any how happy to hear ur positive thinking i am going to post her ur story God bless u dear and pray to God to give u right man which give u true love she is afraid her new husband may be will not good behave with her daughter

I want to find someone to share my life with. Not sure that I want it to lead to marriage I would have the answer to that if and when I ever meet him. That being said, my daughter and my love life are two completely separate entities.

I think this is a great post and not a bit depressing...It's you, being you, honest and open with what you think and feel. That's good. I'd bet BIG money that there are lots of wonderful men out there who would LOVE to take a chance on a healthy and full love... <br />
<br />
Emotional baggage is something almost everybody lugs around and you're an inspiration cause in spite of what you carry and the problems you've had you're still willing to take a chance for happiness..... even if saying "I love you" causes a panic attack here and there....You got guts lady....and spirit and a determination that I totally admire...

Thank you for your wonderful comment Sierra. It's not about having guts. It's more about being true to who I am. I am passionate about life in general. I can't suppress that.

Being passionate and true to yourself is wonderful!! It's a good thing you can't suppress it! It's one of those things that should never be suppressed!! :)