That Old Familiar Craving, Part One

So, you know how people are
When it's all gone much too far
The way their minds are made
Still, there's something you should know
That I could not let show
That fear of letting go
~ Love To Be Loved,
Peter Gabriel

He exposed himself to me. And I felt the urge to **** his brains out.  To make his wildest dreams come true.  Every bloody depraved fantasy he'd ever had, just bring it to life, to grant his most scandalous sexual wish like some sort of X-rated version of the Blue Fairy.  And to kiss him, to make him feel loved, really loved.

Do you know, it is the simple laying in somebody's arms and kissing them, somebody that really wants to, that I crave as much as it is about good sex?
~ Note to Milky, 14 January 2013

The tender-hearted Englishman has shared a lot with me these past few months.  He has, like so many gentlemen who've crossed my path, some rather exotic tastes and a wife with a far less energetic libido.  It's what brings men to my doorstep.  I've a desire - and a hall pass - to seek out strange new men and explore them since my husband has little interest in anything but vanilla sex performed a few times a month.  My British friend has a fascination with snowballing.  ***, not snow.  Although perhaps he'd be up for some fun winter sports as well.  And he's kindly volunteered to take my anal cherry.  This offer came before I met J, with whom I made a mutual 3D exclusivity deal.  That doesn't preclude correspondence with other men, though.  So I've been keeping in touch with my UK pal.

I have been asking myself the question of should I grow up and leave all this behind. Honestly, I probably should, particularly as you move on with your J. Then again, I am not sure I can. I like having you in my life. To be honest I am confused and do not know what to do. I have not told you, even ignored your comments on the subject, but my wife and I have not been physical since the quickies we shared. Partly because the rejection was getting to me a bit, so I thought I would give her time. I tried the other morning. I was caressing her for a while and eventually made the move 'downstairs' and she immediately pulled my hand away. I am seriously struggling with this now (actually feeling a little tearful as I think about [i would not admit that to anybody else!]). On the one hand she seems to still love me and looks for the occasional cuddle and wants to hold hands, yet on the other she does not want that sort of contact. I could just accept it, but I am not sure I can spend the rest of my life without that closeness.  Equally, I find it impossible to talk about; I cannot upset her by bringing it up. After all, what would I say? 'Dear, I love you, but unless you are prepared to have sex I am not sure where we go'? Jesus, I would never want to have sex with her again for fear that she is doing so only because she feels obliged; forced! There is nothing in it for me if I have a sense that she does not want to; that idea just takes all the passion and excitement out of it and I would be as limp as a.....well, limp thing! So then I have two option; 'Dear, you will not so I am going elsewhere and you will just have to live with it', which I am not sure she could, or 'Dear, you will not, so we are finished', which I am not sure I can live with. It is, of course, entirely possible that there is something else behind all this, but I don't think so as I have given her several opportunities to say something. She is an honest person and I think faced with the question she would be honest. Do you know, it is the simple laying in somebody's arms and kissing them, somebody that really wants to, that I crave as much as it is about good sex?  
~ note to Milky, 14 January 2013

The urges I felt to take care of this man when I read his letter were a visceral response, recognizing a need similar to my own last summer.  His emotions were ******** bare, and he laid them before me, his vulnerability reminiscent of mine in July.  The thing is, though, that I can't just make love to every man whose wife is not loving him properly.  I worry that my presence in his life prevents him from seeking remedy, from confronting her.  It's one thing to play with me, another to seek a substitute for a constant companion.  And so I chose to reply with a bit of tough love, even as my instinct was to offer to hold him close.

You just about broke my heart with this talk of your wife's reaction to your efforts.  I think you need to say this to her: Do you know, it is the simple laying in some bodies arms and kissing them, somebody that really wants to, that I crave as much as it is about good sex?  Then see what she says.  Seriously.  Start talking and find out what the **** is going on.  You should not be driven to tears by the lack of response from your wife.  Get to a counselor.  Make things better.  Life is too goddamned short.  I met a lovely man from the UK about a year and a half ago whose wife could not stand to be touched.  She'd had a stroke and had cognitive damage.  I know your lady is not that sort of case.  But this guy dealt with this for a long time it was killing him.  He just wrote me that she finally died.  He is only 59.  And he has been without sex - without basic touch - since he was 47.

WHAT THE ****.

Don't be that guy.  Time flies when you're having fun, and even when you're not.  You're going to look in the mirror and see a man ten years older than you are before you know it.  Make sure those ten years are filled with good loving memories, that you're made to feel loved.

~ Note from Milky, 14 January 2013
milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
Jan 15, 2013