My father sort of started to slowly walk out of my life when i was about 6 or 7. That was the time that he had a gf. When I noticed he wasn't around as much, i kinda brushed it off it figured he was just busy with work. But no, just too busy for me. When I finally figured that out thats when my depression started, it felt like i had this huge hole in my heart, (which it still does) i felt like something was missing in my life, and I couldn't figure it what it was, until today. My father, duuhh. I always have sort have considered my self fatherless. I always thought that not having "fatherly love" was no big deal. But whenever i see a father hugging his daughter telling her he loves her, i would always almost start crying. Until i was like 6 or 7 my father has NEVER told me he loved me or even simply hugged me. I always felt like it was me (and i still do a lil bit) but i know its not, its him. There are so many times he has told me I couldn't go see him because he rather "go to this party" and everytime i Cry my eyes out. I love my dad so ******* much.. And he doesn't even care. Oh and he was married FOUR YEARS before he told me. Yes, that means i wasnt at his wedding. He currently has to kid, Caitlin and Camille, twins. Hes such a good father to them.. Unlike me. But im happy for them.. The Perfect family.

I have done so many horrible disgusting things because this "hole" in my heart. I was into all the weird sexual messaging stuff.. I did it cuz it felt good having someone tell me i was beautiful.. But I regret it like you would not believe.. That has scarred me for life. Ive cut myself because i want to be loved and payed attention to and cared for. (yes i know, it's stupid) people always tell me to stop focusing on boys, that life has so much more to offer.. I know.. Im not trying to focus or look for boys.. Im trying to find love.. Fill this big hole in my heart that my father is responsible for. Ive had my heart broken so many times because of love.. But i will NEVER give up.. I will find my love.. I cant help but do it.. Even if I didn't want to.. This hole in my heart has taken over me, and its all his fault.
XxToxicKissesxX XxToxicKissesxX
13-15, F
3 Responses Oct 29, 2015

I personally feel like I'm experiencing the same thing. My father slept around a lot to the point where I found out that I have 4 siblings other than the 2 I grew up with. And somehow my father has made it our fault that hes had so many children and has completely neglected his responsibility as a father. He always lived separate from us and only showed up for a random weekend out of the month while we were younger. I want to be loved so bad that any attractive guy that comes around and gives me some attention, Im head over heels in like to the point that it consumes my mind then they end up not being on the same page with me later. Our fathers are suppose to be our first loves, they should show us how a guy should treat us, how we should be loved. Their absence effects us. I've told my dad this and he just turned around and made it about him. But we know what we want, we need to take the time to really know these guys. You're a prize to get because you have such a loving heart. Make them work hard for that prize and stand strong if they don't pass the test. You got this! Your love will come in the right time and circumstance.

I have read everything that you posted & I really can't say that I completely understand the position that you are in because I grew up with my dad. But I do know this that your desire for love from the opposite sex IS NOT GOING TO FILL THAT VOID OF LOVE! So, there is No Need to focus your attention on some young boys who will tell you anything to get what they really want (sex). Your are a beautiful young lady and you deserve to have a father, you deserve to get that hug you desire but unfortunately your dad has not excuse my French, Grown the **** up yet! I can't say that he ever will but I know that you have to forgive him so that he can NO LONGER have control over YOUR LIFE! Little Cuz, your have to learn how to LOVE YOURSELF! I know that it hurts but I'm sure you have someone who loves you Mom? family? Don't focus on what you Don't Have focus on the good things You DO HAVE! If you ever need someone to talk too! Hit me up, always looking for another little cousin, lol

Thank you ^^

I had a bad relationship with my dad, it hasn't gotten much better since growing up.
I've embraced the fact that ... I am who I am. I'm not the perfect person I see in ad's and in the movies but because of my deficits and neglect I suffered, I've come out on the other side a solid and strong person.
It's not easy. It freaking suchs wrestling through some of those feeling of low self esteem, not feeling like anybody loves you or gives 2 ***** about you.
I realized that hormones are a contributing factor, a lot of our hormones are in our stomach so a balanced diet helps... some of it is just realizing... screw 'em... they don't care but you will and the first person you're going to care about and love is you...
You'll be alright sweetie..... Pull yourself up by the boot straps, lift your chin and look all of them butt heads in the eye because you have life in your body for a reason...

Thanks ^-^