How Can I Trust Again?

I have difficult with having friends. It began years ago I believe with a relationship with a family member whom I was supposed to trust, betrayed my trust by doing things to me that should not have been done to a young girl. It seemed from that point on, any relationship/friendship I have especially with men ends up with me feeling, dirty, shameful, and or used and abused. I put a lot of effort into my relationships, or at least I used to. I do not even seek them out any more. I lost my desire for friends duringmy marriage of almost 20 years. It was the one i tried hardest to work on, but the biggest one that has left me numb and without trust.
It went like this,the first 7 years were good, great, fantastic! Then something happened, he had an affair. I caught it, handled it we moved on. It was good for a couple more years, trust was less but it was there and rebuilding. I had a great job, with great friends at this job. One friend in particular became like a sister to me. It was wonderful! i had a great friend, a great husband , a wonderful family. My friend got a divorce, we became closer...... I had knee surgury and had to spend a lot of time off of my feet and on crutches. She came around to visit and help. Went shopping for me...... with my husband.....a lot....constantly! I let it pass as I got better. figured it was just my 2 best friends getting along well. Great! A year passes, I have to re-do the surgery, she in the meantime found a boyfriend, was not around much, got very involved with her boyfriend, but for some reason she did not bring the boyfriend around my husband so I saw her rarely. Hubby was crabby. A nephew of ours rented the apartment from us upstairs and had a sister in law come to town that needed a job and a place to stay. We hit it off right away and she stayed in our spare room in exchange for her assistance in the home since I was again unable to do for my family. I recovered she stayed on with her relationship growing very colse and dependant on my husband. I went through so much accusing, denial, acceptance, only to begin the cycle over and over again. "there is nothing going on"    "You are crazy" was constantly put into my head. This went on for many years. i am embarrased to even think about how long. Well any way, to make a long story short, I finally ended it. He still denied anything but gave me a divorce. within months of our divorce being final, he married her!
To add to this, I found out from an aquaintance a few years later that all of that time he had been spending with my previous Best Friend, was also another affair......duh! Talk about denial! I see it now. 
Not long after the divorce I dated for a short time, a guy that I dated off and on in High school. Realized why it did not happen then too.....While we were out having an evening together, he was taking calls from other women. would not have been a big deal, we were not exclusive, but he would look at me and say "that was a guy from work" ...I knew it was not, I heard the girl talking, she was loud! Here we go again!
I gave up! Until just recently, someone friended me on FB. Was nice. Talked to him for a little while but realized he answered my questions in a round about way, avoiding some straight answers. When I fronted him on it he freaked out. I freaked out! I cleaned out my bank account to save it. You see, he was trying to tell me after I fronted him and he acted a bit rude, that he was going through a tough time and his mom was in the hospital in need of meds which he could not get to his funds becaus he was in Kabul and she was in England and she was in need of surgery. Could I send him $? etc.

After i did not talk to him for a day i found he eliminated himself from FB and everything.

Trust! I no longer have it! Dont know if i ever will. Every time i put myself out there, i get burned!
busybeautiful busybeautiful
46-50, F
Aug 13, 2010