How Stupid Of Me.When I first found EP, I joined so that I could vent and share my stories. I never thought that I would meet some awesome people; I wasn't even expecting to meet anyone because I'm trying hard to find face-to-face friendship, not just something online. I just wanted to share my stories and that's it. But, I did meet some nice people, people who understood me, who I could relate to, who shared and appreciated my quirky humour and weirdness. I don't talk to too many people, but there are a couple that I chat with regularly.
I'm so inexperienced when it comes to making friends. I don't know how you would even come to the conclusion that someone is a "friend". But I have classed the few people I talk to as friends, or very close to it.
That was a mistake.
It was only a one way thing; they were my friends, but I wasn't theirs.
I was just simply someone to talk to while their friends were offline or away. I was just a back-up plan. Like I always am. I'm not good enough for real friendship, I'm only good enough to those who are bored or to those who have no one else online; I'm someone who is on the side lines. No one important. No one's friend, just some insignificant girl.
I find people I have a connection with, and I get my hopes up, thinking that I've found people who can be long-lasting friends. But weeks, maybe even months later, they just end up leaving. Our conversations get shorter, the connection and that positive vibe disappears, and then they just stop talking to me. I don't know what I do wrong. I know I can be intense and complicated, but I'm a work in progress, I'm not perfect and I have a lot of issues, but friends are supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad; so many people can never take me when I'm at my worst. Is that really friendship? No. I'm there for them when they're having a bad day, I always put in effort - more than I should - into every friendship, but it always ends up being one-sided.
I don't expect friendships to be easy, but I just wish I wasn't the only one always putting in 100%.
It's a no wonder I'm so closed off and never let anyone in. Because when I do, I just get let down anyway, sooner or later. I get pushed to the side when someone else, someone better, comes along. They stay for the good, but leave when the bad comes out. I'm only a temporary "friend"; I'm no one's constant conversational partner, just a brief one.
Ha. I guess I shouldn't always expect so much.
No expectations = no disappointments.