I Want To Make FriendsI am eighteen. My teen years, the years that are supposed to be the most exhilarating time in one's life, have been the absolute worst. The first few years of being a teen were the worst of them all. My father has always been an abusive alcoholic, but he got worse and worse as he got older.
My mother was never there for me when I needed her, my brothers were too young to understand, I was being bullied at school, my 'best friend' didn't give a damn, and my father was the one inflicting the pain at home, so I had no one to turn to. I felt like I was going absolutely insane, and I believed that everything, all of it, was my fault. I believed that I wasn't a good enough daughter, that I wasn't a good enough friend and that's why my supposed best friend would laugh along with the bullies, that no one wanted to be friends with me because I wasn't good enough, that I caused my father to want to harm us. I believed that I was the monster. And my mum led me to believe that even more, getting angry with me whenever I got upset or whenever Dad went off his head, as if it really was all my fault. It wasn't though, was it? I am a good person, a good person that bad things have happened to. And I DESERVE to have friends. Right? I'm still trying to convince myself of that.
I pretend that I do not need or want friends. I pretend that I am fine on my own. But I'm kidding myself. I'm a fraud. A phoney. A liar. I do want friends. I really do. It is true that I cope just fine on my own -- I mean, I survive. Maybe I really don't need anybody. But I want someone I can spend time with, someone to talk to. I want someone in my life that actually wants me there. I just feel like I need to put a wall up all the time. I am always on the defensive, pretending to be strong, pretending I don't need anyone, because I hate to be seen as weak.
I'm so afraid all the time. I never take risks, I never dare to choose. I am so full of self-doubt. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Even when someone starts a conversation with me on the internet, I feel like I'm talking too much, I'm saying too much about myself, or not enough, or I'm not saying the right thing, they're going to get bored of me and wish they'd never begun this conversation... stuff like that. I feel like no one ever really, genuinely wants to speak with me. Like I've never got anything interesting to say. I feel like people just tolerate me.
I used to talk to someone quite regularly on the internet, but that stopped too. Because I'll often get the feeling that people are going to leave me...because everybody leaves. And as soon as these bad thoughts start coming, I turn my back, and I run away. I leave first so I can't be left. And the thing is, because of this fear of rejection, I'd probably be a terrible friend, and even if someone did actually want to be my friend, I don't know if I could open up enough to let people in. I feel I can never trust people...
I have wasted an entire three years of my life, years that should have been fun years that I spent locked in my bedroom, hiding from the world and everyone in it. And the years before that were spent trying to escape my father. I should have been taking it easy and laughing and having fun, but everything I've been through in this time has been hard, and none of it has been fun...
From all this I have learned that life will go on, with or without you, and it will leave you behind if you're not careful. And thus I want to start living. I want to have adventures.
I want to make friends that like me for who I am, that genuinely want to spend time with me. I've never had a true friend, someone who brings me up instead of puts me down, someone I can count on to be there if I need them. And I want that, I really do. I don't necessarily want a lot of friends -- I don't care if there's one or two, or ten or one hundred. Quality is better than quantity, and I want them to be true. I want some forever friends. I feel like maybe I don't deserve it, but I still want it. With friends I want to see things I've never seen, do things I've never done. I just want to experience some new things, I want something to amaze and excite me for once.
I'm tired of merely existing, and now I want to LIVE.