My Mother

 

  (A) My biological mother experienced depression all of her life that I know about. I had pneumonia at birth (lol I have pneumonia now!) in 1943 and I was kept in a incubator for some time. My mother had post partum depression and my father was in the Pacific until the end of WW11.

When I got out of the hospital she took us to Wichita, KS. My dad’s family rejected us so she lived alone. My first memory is being alone at night as she would lock me in when she went to work on the grave yard shift. I remember thinking that I had nothing to fear in the dark because I was the bogie man that others had to fear. I remember hiding behind the couch with a toy knife and hoping a bad guy would fall into my trap! 

  This story gets a lot worse when my father comes home. The point is I never bounded with a human.  

  (B)The greatest thing that ever happen to me was I drowned in 1956 and was embraced my Holy Mother. She told me She loved me and would never change Her mind. I felt Her Love and loved Her in return. My Holy Mother represents the Darkest side of our ONE CREATOR. I see our Creator as having a thousand faces. Instead of blaming some bad thing like the devil for bad stuff my Dark Mother takes the credit!  She is often thought to be the Goddess of the crossroads. This is how that works. If you sit to long on a fence then your butt will hurt. That’s my Mother giving you a little push!

Pain is a great teacher. Pain lets us know we are doing something wrong and forces to think outside our comfort zone. Pain either makes us stronger or it kills us. My Mother is the Goddess of natural selection!

She is also the Goddess of Death. That’s another good thing. If I am lucky I will get to die soon. Right this second would be fine with me. Old people need to die to make room for the next generation. ETC…It is all good.    

  (C) When I state “my Holy Mother” I do not mean to imply that I am Her one and only son or that there are no sisters. We are ALL sons and daughters of our ONE Creator. We are all closest to one or another aspect. My weird cat “Alley Cat” I suspect is closest to a even darker aspect of my Dark Mother. This cat scares me in the middle of the night and ****** off my sweet wife. But I love her. Both of them. And My Mother…DD   

Dewduster Dewduster
66-70, M
2 Responses Feb 21, 2009

I am positive. I hope you can see by my writing that I have made the best of it. <br />
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I am in fact old. Maybe not so much in years, but in health. I have the body of a much older person.<br />
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EP has helped me come into the light more and more these days and I like it. You can see me, to some extent.<br />
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One point about balance. Balance can led to stagnation. It's a good idea to rock the boat, occasionally. Forest fires do more good in the long run. ETC. <br />
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I know another kazwaz1977, but you sound like her older, more mature sister. I like both aspects very much...Mr. Dew

I admire the way you accept your pain as a gift; no way could i ever do that, i'm soft when it comes to pain. I'm sorry to hear that your mum and dad weren't there (either mentally or literally in your dad's case) when you were a kid - it must've been quite lonely, particularly at night when you were left alone. You must have spent a lot of your childhood feeling scared and unwanted - no child deserves that, not even one who perceives himself as the 'bogey man'.<br />
It's nice that you found something which comforts you and it's very healthy to embrace your shadow/dark side - but try to keep yourself in the light too; it's all about duality - no up without down and so on......<br />
You've accepted your mortality and you welcome it, being what you think is 'old'. But you're not 'old' at all; no-one's 'old' these days. Try to stay positive, if not for yourself, for your wife.<br />
take care, kx