A Future With Two Women I Love?

I understand that there are many seemingly natural emotional tendencies that do not lend themselves towards polyamory such as jealousy and lack of confidence among others.  However, my current partner and I are very open minded and embrace the logic behind polyamory, but I personally feel hypocritical because I struggle with the thought of sharing her.  She seems a bit more emotionally mature in regards to sharing so it is in my own mind that I struggle with the thought of ever bringing this other woman to her.  This other woman is actually an ex-girlfriend whom since meeting my current partner I have been able to grow an impressive love and respect for.  My current partner fulfills me in more ways than I ever dreamed, and surprisingly so after practically giving up.  It is now obvious to me that my ex is important to me in so many ways complimentary to what I get from my current relationship.  That may have sounded contradictory - what I mean is that my current partner fulfills me but now in my fulfillment I've found that my ex awakens a part of me that isn't awake without her around and I believe it is a very important in balancing me out (I'm naturally overly analytical but she awakens an emotional honesty and child-like curiosity).

My intentions are not purely selfish (please don't argue this point here).  Both women love me, tho my ex is struggling with feelings for her current partner (also don't need to address this right now - I don't think it will last - it won't fulfill her).  But besides wanting to share a life with both of them, I am incredibly anxious and excited to imagine what they could offer to each other.

I'm currently finishing up a degree while living on campus at school, but will be done in less than two months and I feel that time is running out.  They have been introduced and nothing noteworthy has occurred - they were both surprisingly mature during the encounter(s).  I think a lot of the anxiety and fear of things not working out are in my head, but I also believe that the likelihood of things working out to the extent that I want them to is unlikely.

Please, I do not want to marry anyone, but I love two women intensely and complimentarily and feel that it is important to have them both in my life and am excited when I imagine what the three of us could do together.  How can I re-introduce them to each other, warm them up to the idea (if necessary), or introduce them into situations together whereby they could grow to like each other and consider seriously these thoughts that I've presented to you?  I've brought up these feelings with both of them in different not-so-subtle ways and have seen mostly confusion on their faces and I believe some nervousness and fear (of losing me in the case of my current partner).  Any and all advice is appreciated.  Thank you!

givemore givemore
4 Responses Mar 26, 2009

I was involved in a relationship with three people. The woman actually moved in with us for a while. It was very difficult(the jealousy factor mostly between females), but I believe it can be done if the women can get along well and everyone feels equal in the relationship. No one can be made to feel left out and this requires extreme communication. It is definitely enjoyable and "out of the box" love.

Have you ever talked to both women about the three of you living together to explore the idea?

In response to givemore

No, Polygamy is against the word of God. God says one man, one woman. any more amounts to sin

I agree, I am a Muslim; even though people think men here are allowed to marry 4 women. It is wrong, a man can marry another woman under certain conditions only. I think what this man is doing is a complete mess, if I was one of the women he is with, I wouldn't think twice about leaving him.

The key to having a loving relationship the way you describe it lies within the relationship between the two women. If they can somehow find/create a bond between them that is loving (even if that loving is only on a friendship level) than it is, in my opinion, entirely possible. <br />
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However, the problem is that without that bond between them, there will always be jealousy and anger, and frustration on your part. Placing the two of them next to each other may result in one of them showing their true colors, colors you did not know even existed in the first place. In which case the result will be that your relationship with one of them may be lost.<br />
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I speak from personal experience. In no way am I saying that my situation would mirror yours... So please don't take what I say as 'gospel', because everyone is different. I was with my ex for eight years. I loved her very much and thought we would be together forever. But something happened that I did not anticipate... I found a new person that at first I thought would just be a very good friend. But after a few conversations I wanted to see her more and more. Eventually I couldn't stop thinking about her in the moments when I was alone. <br />
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Now, I never stopped loving my ex while this was happening. In fact, I was very honest with her about my feelings and suggested that it may be possible to love more than one person. I told her to please contact my new friend and get to know her, in the chance that maybe they would hit it off.<br />
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In the beginning, it seemed to work fine. They conversed, and my ex agreed to even have this new love interest come and live with us. This also worked fine, for a while. But eventually competition, jealousy, and viciousness arose within my ex. Everything became a competition. Who would do what first, who would have what over whom, etc. This woman who i loved dearly for eight years suddenly began to show that she didn't know me at all, didn't love me the way that I thought, and was all too interested in what my new friend could do for HER, not what could be accomplished between us.<br />
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My ex is long gone. Years now. It ended bitterly. I have no idea what happened to her. I'm currently living with the woman that I connected with and have been happy for many years. Ironically, something similar is happening to me again with another woman I've met at work. There's a kind of electricity between us that more than one person has noticed. And even though I push her out of my head because of the wreck that happened the last time, we seem to be destined to keep crossing paths. And I might be imagnining things, but I think she may be interested in me as well... She seems to go out of her way just to look at me and smile. <br />
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The trouble is, now what do I do. I don't want to lose the woman I have but I would love to explore these feelings for this new woman. I've actually been giving it a lot of thought, and still insist the only way that it can truly work is if these two women somehow became friends. With a strong bond between them, a genuine caring for each other, the jealousy and competition may be controllable, workable. If they truly cared for each other, they could share the love they had. <br />
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In all honesty, I've even attempted to look at things from their point of view... What would happen if they met someone and had these feelings... What would I do? The first thought is jealousy... But would I be jealous if that new person and I were friends... Were able to trust one another and truly bond in that way? I would say yes. <br />
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A lengthy response to your inquiry... But I truly hope it was helpful. And not too discouraging.

WallSpot - your story is an interesting one. Again wtih this new person at work. First your main partner - how would she feel about introducing another woman again? her feelings would have to be considered first. Then the new woman should know about the previous experience and get to know her really well should your main partner agree to this arrangement again. it just takes an extensive amount of communication. Sometimes things seem better than they really are. It brought out the worst in your ex. I would be leery of trying it again but that's just me .. once burned twice shy .. hmmm ... I hope you will make the right decisions for you and your partner :)