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My Dream - Part II

I was still with a very feminine mind but from that point forward and to this day I remained silent and profoundly private about my feelings. I am, without a doubt, one of the best persons you will ever meet to share a secret. I never broke silence over anyone of my friend’s secret and I am proud of it. So time went on and I tried very hard to be a boy but from time to time my memory would trick me. Mostly in bed at night I would catch myself thinking and dreaming in pink. As the years went buy I managed to buy some clothing, a very cute pair of thong sandals (easier to fold and hide), make up, etc and through several means I managed to hide them around our large house. My world became the most secretive thing you could imagine so I have never talked or discussed this with anyone in my entire life, although I tried...

Many times I would be so miserable that I would tip-toe to the laundry room and grab a camisole or some other lingerie at the bottom of the basket, lock my door and put it on so I could fall asleep. I also would put on panties and pantyhose to school under my uniform but was mortified of being discovered so I only enjoyed few moments in it and never dared to try again.

I had a cousin, Laura, that I think she knew. She would always offer girly things to me when we were playing or hanging out but I could never show too much interest even though deep inside of me I was dying to have it...We never talked about it but I think she knew and since she is alive and well I always wonder if one of these days we will ever talk about it.

As I grew up, I made sure that I had to change my body so in addition to martial arts I started with swimming, weight lifting and all that. I thought that by puffing up I would erase those feminine marks and when I look in the mirror today, well, I think I did a good job... Throughout my ups and downs I always made sure that I would do something to my body to make it more masculine so I fought my feelings but was never able to kill it for more than a few days. I basically learned to live with this duality conflict back and forth. Off course, I managed to have always kept a nice little wardrobe of beautiful and feminine clothing juuust in case. I was only happy when I was dressed as a woman but never really happy with my body and surroundings.

Fast forward in time, I married my best friend whom I knew had been sexually abused and absolutely hated sex. But she was my best friend and I told her I would take care of her and have been doing that ever since. We used to talk for hours and hours…She and I were tighter than anyone you can imagine. No TV or other distractions but just talking, having a good meal, doing things together and chatting about her things and my life so we became very, very close. Our family is pretty happy and we have a daughter and a son that are the most wonderful things in our lives. I literally have more than I deserve and consider myself a blessed woman, I mean, man.

But as if life was mad at me suddenly something drastically happened! A couple of years ago, in 2010, my wife found out that I was cross-dressing by seen on my computer several tabs opened on shoes, clothing, jewelry, wigs, etc that I accidentally (so stupid...I know better) left it opened on my computer for a few minutes as I went to the bathroom and it was Nuclear World War III... She was sooo mad, so upset and so irate that it was certainly my second worst and saddest day of my life. She was unrecognizable. She acted as if I had done to her what a terrorist would do to an innocent woman. She went on and on telling how bad I was and how I had destroyed her life. “How could you have done this to me?” was the phrase she repeated over and over again. It was as if I had planned something evil about her while, of all things, it had NOTHING to do with her! I just wanted to die. I expected anything in my life but a day like that. My friend was gone...My mind was going a thousand miles an hour, thinking: “She is gonna leave me!!! I lost my kids!!!...She is gonna tell the whole world…No, not again!!! It is so hard to put it in words but I was literally torn into pieces. I was in such a bad shape and under such a stress that two days later I checked in the ER with extremely high blood pressure that blurred my vision and almost made me cause an accident on the highway. I was in the hospital for three days and to my boss I just lied and blamed it on work-load. That turned out to be a blessing because I managed to stay by myself those three days so I could breathe. I had no visitors and shed did not come to see me.

I remember waking up in the hospital and this nurse, blond, in her 40s or so with this incredible smile. She spoke with me and told me I had slept for 16 hours and I was fine. We spoke for a while, told her about “personal problems” and I thought she was an amazing woman and felt compelled to confess to her my transgender dream story. Cowardly, I did not share my secrets, left the hospital and never saw her again but never forgot that smile. She simply looked like an angel.

Well...I had to go back home. That was difficult as I did not know what to expect. She didn't say a word but she didn't have to. Not once she asked or talked about me, my feelings, my past or even tried to understand it although I tried to tell her my story. From that day forward she has listened with her tongue, always talking back. I felt my heart closing more and more until I was silent and did not respond to anything, to any more questions. We didn't speak at all for over a week. To this day, we haven’t spoken once about what happened nor had a follow up discussion over my side of the story. At least I thought she would be curious and able to listen considering she also has a very secret story I knew about (including other salacious stories...). But I was the only person that listen and helped her through it all. I guess expect the same courtesy is too much to ask. It was as if she and I had not shared any secrets at all! Very strange but devastating feeling to me as I re-lived some of my horrors as a child…But how could I blame her after all she has gone through? I just accept her for what she was with no complaints and lots of unmatched love. Here I was. No where to go and completely lost in life. Just a little sad...well, actually I was devastated..

I moved all my clothes, shoes, make up, etc into a storage close to my work (hour and a half commute each way) and have been absolutely miserable ever since. We are now distant and almost formal. Now I cannot talk to her anymore so my hope for someone to listen and understand at the age of 50 is gone…Absolutely gone. Once in a while, I take a busy work day and stay at a hotel and then I dress up just to make myself a little happy for a short while but my dreams are not as pink as they used to be.

Because of my wife’s condition, we have absolutely no intimate relationship so I have learned to suppress any desires or fantasies of dressing as a woman in our bedroom as our physical contact is less exciting than two strange roommates. Yep. No sexual relations...Not an easy thing for an Italian as you may imagine…but I keep myself busy just to get my mind away from it. Overall my life has been basically working and taking care of my family. Since she also has back problems at the age of 39 (I’m 10 yrs older), in addition to work full time I do the laundry, dishes, take care of the house, yard and pretty much everything else which I am happy to do. Divorce has never crossed my mind although she has spoken about it a couple of times but changed her mind just as quickly.

After that incident I decided to take care of myself as I was once again…alone. However this time, I decided to reverse my years of body neglect since I was very overweight. I already lost 60 lbs and have another 70 to go. My idea is to look better, find courage off course, then go to a MTF transformation salon and get some professional help. You know, learn what I can do to look like a real woman and go from there. But I am not sure I would be able to do this alone since I never had a MTF transgender friend (one of my dreams) that I could lean on and freely share thoughts of my heart. I don’t like man at all and many manly things I find it simply repulsive. Had I been born a real woman I would definitely be a lesbian as nothing masculine is really attractive or appealing to me.

I have seen many transformation sites and even went to three or four of them but never really had the courage or felt a connection with the place so you have no idea the amount of respect I have for transgender women and crossdressers out the closet. I am terrified of going public but now I am yearning to live as a woman even if it is from time to time therefore I am working on my MTF transformation dream courage. Last year, I took 3 days off from work, checked in in a nice hotel and lived as a woman the entire time and had such a ball I just can't understand why some wives would not encourage, support and love their husbands for that matter. For now, crossdressing has this ability to get the best out of me, bring out my soft side, I become more sensitive and basically a better person. It is my natural habitat. It would be wonderful to be able to share that with the one you love and in the process receive so much more in love, attention and bonding - i.e., many women dream would really come true...Women out there have no idea of such a positive impact acceptance would have in their relationship and if they would embrace and encourage their crossdressing husbands. Femininity is capable of getting something out of man that nothing else could. I guarantee they would be shocked with the improvement in their beloved man because ostracizing them will do nothing but rather kill any person little by little. Our feminine side is not a "dirty thought" but an intimate revelation of a beautiful side that is soft and tender so please ladies, love your husbands! Remember: You ARE and should feminine because femininity is absolutely beautiful compared to masculinity! We just agree with you and have chosen the best part.

Transitioning into a real woman has never left my mind. My dream now is to have a MTF transgender friend I could talk to and share my inner thoughts and feelings and even get some advice. Just having a real great friendship where we can give each other the best of us with no limits, barriers or fears on sharing our ideas. This is the first time I share my story but as a good Italian I love to talk and laugh from the heart. So if you are looking for a wonderful friend, I am one too and would love to hear from you and your dream story. I'm looking to make friends with MTF transgenders as well as understanding women. My e-mail is femmelilly@yahoo.com so I look forward to reading from you.

From the bottom of my heart,

Lilly.
femmelilly femmelilly 46-50, M 12 Responses Aug 3, 2012

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What a touching story Lilly. I've always felt happy when dressed as a woman as that is a part of me. I wish I were able to share this with my wife but she doesn't Iike the idea of me wearing tights (which she knows) so I can only imagine the reaction if I told her I wanted to go out fully dressed.

Yes Angie. It is never easy to balance out your desires and her reactions. In fact, even "testing the waters" can be dangerous so I wish you all the best and hope something great for both of you will present itself soon.

Lilly, I am so sorry. You love your wife and want to share everything but are frozen out.
I told my wife four months after we met and thought I'd lose her. To the contrary, she embraced all of me, within limits. Actually to an extraordinary degree for a girl who was barely 20.
And yet I no longer dress at all with her now. We are best friends but there have been some medical upheavals, including her breast cancer and double mastectomy.
It was always her call when I dressed and interestingly she welcomed me in a nightgown or slip for intimacy, knowing how excited that would get me.
I just hope to someday again hear the words "why don't you put something on?"
Thanks for sharing something so emotional.

Hi Kim.

I'm so sorry for your wife's cancer and will keep her in my thoughts and prayer. I pray she will have a long and wonderful life with you to its fullest. And Kim, for you girl, I wish nothing but the best with your loved one. You have a wonderful wife that accepted you for who you are and that is just beautiful.The meaning of true love. Now I do hope and expect that "that special day" will come soon. Please tell me all about it (wink wink...).

Love,

Lilly

Hi Kim.

I'm so sorry for your wife's cancer and will keep her in my thoughts and prayer. I pray she will have a long and wonderful life with you to its fullest. And Kim, for you girl, I wish nothing but the best with your loved one. You have a wonderful wife that accepted you for who you are and that is just beautiful.The meaning of true love. Now I do hope and expect that "that special day" will come soon. Please tell me all about it (wink wink...).

Love,

Lilly

Hi Kim.

I'm so sorry for your wife's cancer and will keep her in my thoughts and prayer. I pray she will have a long and wonderful life with you to its fullest. And Kim, for you girl, I wish nothing but the best with your loved one. You have a wonderful wife that accepted you for who you are and that is just beautiful.The meaning of true love. Now I do hope and expect that "that special day" will come soon. Please tell me all about it (wink wink...).

Love,

Lilly

Hi Kim.

I'm so sorry for your wife's cancer and will keep her in my thoughts and prayer. I pray she will have a long and wonderful life with you to its fullest. And Kim, for you girl, I wish nothing but the best with your loved one. You have a wonderful wife that accepted you for who you are and that is just beautiful.The meaning of true love. Now I do hope and expect that "that special day" will come soon. Please tell me all about it (wink wink...).

Love,

Lilly

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WOW what a story, it's so sad when your world collapses around you. I haven't told my wife yet, I am trying to find a way to tell her but as yet don't have the courage and love her so much I would die if I lost her love.
I can only imagine the pain you felt, when the one person in this world you truly needed to understand and support you slammed the metaphysical door in your face.
I hope this all works out for you.
You are a very brave and caring woman.

It's a shame we live so far apart I would love to sit and chat over a coffee some time.

Hello honey. I'm so sorry for the delay on the response...I think I missed the e-mail notice on your post. My apologies.

Yes. I think your prudence is worth it. As much as this sometimes torn us apart losing the love of your life is unimaginable. My personal view is just as you said. Be diligent on finding the way as this is one of those things one can never be sure about the reaction since there is almost never a precedent. This fear of the unknown I think is healthy because it keeps you from having to accidentally say or do something that could turn out to be a shocker.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Hey. I travel a lot so maybe one of these days I'll buy you that coffee in exchange for that nice and cool chat you and I are going to have over our dreams and fears. Deal?

I really wish you and your wife a wonderful life and pray for her complete understanding and acceptance of your ways! Take care my dear!

Lilly.

Very emotional story Lilly. You write so well. My wife "supports" me but with constraints. Only allowed to dress indoors, no sex while dressed, no nighties in bed. As much as she "understands" as she puts it, she doesn't. I need to be Charlotte to be the true me.

Thanks once again Charlotte. If our wives would only try to understand just as they expect us to understand them on their issues...Not trying to be bitter but I heard and read so many stories about how wonderful life is (including sex life) when the women embrace the feminine side of their man!!! I just hope our wives would find out the joy, fun and beauty of our world. They don't know this but that would unleash a much better man, don't you think? Imagine your liberty to be who you are and share and enjoy that with your loved one. To me that is still a dream...

that's Utopia Lilly. I am embracing my feminine side to make me complete. I am so chilled and relaxed as Charlotte. I love my wife dearly and hope one day she sees the better relationship we can have

I hear you Charlotte. I hear you...Think about the power of your words: A Charlotte htat is chilled and relaxed. That is great for your health!!! Embracing your feminine side is even an act that will put you in a better state of mind and that will directly impact your health. I just wish you great luck and nothing but the best for both of you my dear.

You sound like you finally figured it out. You know what you have to do to be happy again and have made some very small but large steps toward your happiness and for your health. Continue on its going to work for you. Good luck

Thank you so much for your reply. That was very nice. Lilly

My heart hurts for you sweetie and my eyes weep! I to kept Candice hidden for so many years that what I considered male anger was actually a deep cry for the true me to be seen, heard, and loved! When the time came where it was unbearable to keep it hidden from my wife, I brought Candice out. I so wish you could find someone to share your beautiful Lilly with! I would love to share with you and support you any way that I can. I'm 2 years in and I'm 51 so I feel it's never to late! Love you sweetheart! Candice

Your kind words made me feel so good you have no idea how much your comments mean to me. That was truly lovely. I sincerely appreciate your support and accept it with all my heart. Thank you so much Candice. XOXOXO, Lilly

reading your story i saw my life over again. i had to check to see if it were me wrighting.i feel your pain.thank you.

I hear you dear. Since I joined this group I have found lots of similar experiences which gave me comfort I wasn't losing my mind so replies like yours mean a lot to me. Thank you so much!

Lilly, this is the second story I have read from you. You pour your heart out. Very emotional. We are very similar creatures. My wife is understanding, but I know she has limits. This is all very new to her. She is my soul mate. She knows that transition may be inevitable. Read some of my stories. Sweetie, I would love to be your friend. Thanks,<br />
<br />
Brenda Karen

Thank you so much Brenda. Your friendship means a lot to me, more than you can imagine. It is good to know that there are other girls like you who care so thanks for your reply.

I experienced something very similiar with my second wife. She threatened to divorce me and "take me to the cleaners". I was severly depressed and went in to a mental health facility then would up in a psych ward for evaluation for 2 weeks. We eventually divorced a few years later after I had to move out west. A year after retiring from the military I began my transition to full time as a female. On my own, no friends, family, or support groups, I met with a psychotherapist for 3 months, legally changed my name and gender on my drivers license, then 2 years later was hired as a female to drive a shuttle for the elderly and disabled. Fast forward[ after several different positions, different jobs, I ended up working for the federal government. I got my breast implants, bought a home, and though my family back East "disowned me", I am happier and more at peace than I ever was living as a male.<br />
<br />
Comsider me a friend:)<br />
<br />
Lauren

Wow Lauren. That is quite a story so thank yo so much for sharing. You made me think...I am really delighted and honored with your friendship. You just made my day. xoxoxo

Lilly

Lilly: I hope yu are encouraged and find your journey more acheivable. You are very welcome! xoxoxoxoxo Lauren

Thanks for your support Lauren. That is very nice.

you speak my heart my dear! I know the pain, the desires, I know it all I'll try to help you, but my dear I'm not in much better shape than you!

Looks like we share the same thoughts and challenges. But it is great to hear from you and that you can understand. Yours is the very first reply I receive on my very first post about my story. I won't forget it...

I have read your story and I think that many transsexual people would agree that your story is so familiar, especially part two. Personally, I never had a supportive mother. She was determined to make a man out of me no matter the cost to myself. I did what was expected of me, married and had a family. Now I live happily as a woman, finally at peace with myself, although it cost me my own family. I never was really male, just playing a part. When I began my transition, I wouldn't have believed that would ever be attracted to men but that has changed.I have also discovered many truths about myself, in that I am intersex. <br />
You will find friendship and support here as you are not alone in your feelings. If you wish to be friends, then add me.

Wow...how corageous! I admire and respect you. I think that for me the time has come and past...Now I live literally in a dream world and have made my gladness to see others succeeding and being happy in their life journey. Your friendship is extremely valuable to me so I will add with all my heart.

I began transition at 50 so don't think you are too old to fulfil your dream . I know others who have begun even later.

Really? That is refreshing and I am so glad for you. How is it going?

Hi Femmelilly, I loved you story\'s, thank you for them.
I am a long time cross dresser, I love all parts of it, silky clothes, the very feel of it is wonderful, my wife puts up with it, I wear a dress etc about once a week, a nightie and panties most nights...but I have no desire to lose my male parts, I pray it all goes well for you ALL in time, and are truly happy.
So many sad stories here, makes me cry at times, but I have learnt, \"what dose not kill you, truly dose make you stronger\" I hope the \"sad\" stories here make others stronger with there aims.
God bless Femmelilly, and all who wish to T/G.
Love to you all. XXX

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I can not believe no one has offered to be that friend. I loved your story and I know exactly what you mean about a mans fenin ine and softer side. I have just discovered it and am trying to develope it.<br />
You took your wife in when no one else would. You made a good home for her and had children with her. You returned her from her depression and she repays all that love and tender care by rejecting you over some thing that is so important to you. I do not understad people like that. It's like they think the universe revolves around them. I feel so sorry for you. I do no know how much help I can be for you but I would be willing to help with an questions you may have and will share friendship with you if you want me to. That would mean we ave to be friends on EP so if you will friend me we'll get started.

Hello Bahli.

Your reply means a lot to me.

It has not been easy...The older I get the more people I have around me! But sadly the less friendship I receive and lonely I feel. However, I am not bitter. I actually do not blame her because it is probably something new and based on her terrible understanding or associations in her mind...I just feel bad I never had a chance to explain or to speak about it. Now even if she begs to hear, I think I would not even consider so we'll have to go on with our lives on the surface.

You are very right about me taking her when no one else would. Because of her condition, she dated many guys. Way more than I had dated women. It is sad but she was having a hard time finding a husband as no one would enthusiastically post his marital candidacy based on celibacy...I took her for who she was regardless of what she had to offer and I will take care of her until the day I take my last breath...unless she doesn't want me. I can't explain what she thought, but I respect her. Now her back is getting worse and she is less and less physically effective at the age of 39. Thank God I am in great shape and will be there to help and care for her and my kids. Particularly now that I am happily energised to have you Bahli, Ellefem and Becnme as my new girlfriends.

Great then. Now you have ome friends that understand who you are and can go along with you. I married my wife till death do us part as well and won't leave her.

I just wish it could be different. Particularly because I can offer so much more and so much better...Oh well...

We are in the same boat there. I could be so much more for her but it is not possible because of her mental blocks that will never be overcome.

I guess it is the justifiable fear of the unknown. Hard to be in her shoes.

Yes it is. She is 70 and very set in her old fashioned ways and that doesn't include a husband with visions of dressing s a woman 24/7. So I'll just kee plodding along and doing the best I can to be the wonam I dream about.

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