My Dream - Part III was still with a very feminine mind but from that point forward and to this day I remained silent and profoundly private about my feelings. I am, without a doubt, one of the best persons you will ever meet to share a secret. I never broke silence over anyone of my friend’s secret and I am proud of it. So time went on and I tried very hard to be a boy but from time to time my memory would trick me. Mostly in bed at night I would catch myself thinking and dreaming in pink. As the years went buy I managed to buy some clothing, a very cute pair of thong sandals (easier to fold and hide), make up, etc through several means and would hide them around our large house. My world became the most secretive thing you could imagine so I have never talked or discussed this with anyone in my entire life, although I tried...
Many times I would be so miserable that I would tip toe to the laundry room and grab a camisole or some other lingerie at the bottom of the basket, lock my door and put it on so I could fall asleep. I also would put on panties and pantyhose to school under my uniform but was mortified of being discovered so I only enjoyed few moments in it. I had a cousin, Laura that I think she knew. She would always offer girly things to me when we were playing or hanging out but I could never show too much interest even though deep inside of me I was dying to have it...We never talked about it but I think she knew and since she is alive and well I always wonder if one of these days we will ever talk about it.
As I grew up, I made sure that I had to change my body so in addition to martial arts I started with swimming, weight lifting and all that. I thought that by puffing up I would erase those feminine marks and when I look in the mirror today, well, I think I did a good job... Throughout my ups and downs I always made sure that I would do something to my body to make it more masculine so I fought my feelings but was never able to kill it for more than a few days. I basically learned to live with this conflict back and forth. Off course, I managed to have always kept a nice little wardrobe of beautiful and feminine clothing juuust in case. I was only happy when I was dressed as a woman but never really happy with my body and surroundings.
Fast forward in time, I married my best friend whom I knew had been sexually abused and absolutely hated sex. But she was my best friend and I told her I would take care of her and have been doing that ever since. We used to talk for hours and hours…She and I were tighter than anyone you can imagine. No TV or other distractions but just talking, having a good meal, doing things together and chatting about her things and my life so we became very, very close. Our family is pretty happy and we have a daughter and a son that are the most wonderful things in our lives. I literally have more than I diserve and consider myself a blessed woman, I mean, man.
A couple of years ago in 2010 my wife found out that I was cross-dressing by seen on my computer several tabs opened on shoes, clothing, jewelry, wigs, etc that I accidently left opened on my computer for a few minutes as I went to the bathroom and it was Nuclear World War III... She was sooo mad, so upset and so irate that it was certainly my second worst and saddest day of my life. She was unrecognizable. She acted as if I had done to her what a terrorist would do to an innocent woman. She went on and on telling how bad I was and how I had destroyed her. “How could you have done this to me?” was the phrase she repeated over and over again. It was as if I had planned something about her while of all things It had NOTHING to do with her. I just wanted to die. I expected anything in my life but a day like that. My friend was gone...My mind was going a thousand miles an hour, thinking: “She is gonna leave me!!! I lost my kids!!!...She is gonna tell the whole world…No, not again!!! It is so hard to put it in words but I was literally torn into pieces. I was in such a bad shape and under such a stress that two days later I checked in the ER with extremely high blood pressure that blurred my vision and almost made me cause an accident on the highway. I was in the hospital for three days and for my boss I just blamed it on work-load. That turned out to be a blessing because I managed to stay by myself those three days so I could breathe. No visitors.
I remember waking up in the hospital and this nurse, blond, in her 40s or so with this incredible smile. She spoke with me and told me I had slept for 16 hours and I was fine. We spoke for a while, told her about “personal problems” and I thought she was an amazing woman and felt compelled to confess to her my transgender dream story. Cowardly, I did not share my secrets, left the hospital and never saw her again but never forgot that smile. She simply looked like an angel.
Well...I had to go back home. That was difficult as I did not know what to expect. She didn’t say a word but she didn’t have to. Not once she asked or talked about me, my feelings, my past or even tried to understand it although I tried to tell her my story. From that day forward she has listened with her tongue, always talking back. I felt my heart closing more and more until I was silent and did not respond to anything, to any more questions. We didn’t speak at all for over a week. To this day, we haven’t spoken once about it nor had a follow up discussion. At least I thought she would be able to listen considering she also has a secret story (including other salacious stories...) and I was the only person that listen and who helped her through it all. But it was as if she and I had not shared any secrets at all. Very strange but devastating feeling to me as I re-lived some of my horrors as a kid…But how could I blame her after all she has gone through? I just accept her for what she was and no complaints, just a little sad...actually devastated..
I moved all my clothes, shoes, make up, etc into a storage close to my work (hour and a half commute) and have been absolutely miserable ever since. We are now distant and almost formal. Now I cannot talk to her anymore so my hope for someone to listen and understand at the age of 50 is gone…Once in a while, I take a busy work day and stay at a hotel and then I dress up just to make myself happy for a little bit but my dreams are not as pink as they used to be.
Because of my wife’s condition, we have absolutely no intimate relationship so I have learned to suppress any desires or fantasies of dressing as a woman in our bedroom as our physical contact is less exciting than two strange roommates. Yep. No sexual relations...Not an easy thing for an Italian as you may imagine…but I keep myself busy just to get my mind away from it. Overall my life has been basically working and taking care of my family. Since she also has back problems at the age of 39 (I’m 10 yrs older), in addition to work full time I do the laundry, take care of the house, yard and pretty much everything else which I am happy to do. Divorce has never crossed my mind although she has spoken about it a couple of times but changed her mind just as quickly.
After that incident I decided to take care of myself as I was once again…alone. However this time, I decided to reverse my years of body neglect since I was very overweight. I already lost 60 lbs and have another 70 to go. My idea is to look better, find courage off course, then go to a MTF transformation salon and get some professional help. You know, learn what I can do to look like a woman and go from there. But I am not sure I would be able to do this alone since I never had a MTF transgender friend (one of my dreams) that I could lean on. I don’t like man at all and many manly things I simply find it repulsive. Had I been born a real woman I would definitely be a lesbian as nothing masculine is really attractive to me.
I have seen many transformation sites and even went to three or four of them but never really had the courage or felt a connection with the place so you have no idea the amount of respect I have for transgender women and crossdressers out the closet. I am terrified of going public but now I am yearning to live as a woman even if it is from time to time therefore I am working on my MTF transformation dream. Last year, I took 3 days off from work, checked in in a nice hotel and lived as a woman the entire time and had such a ball I just can't understand why some wives would not encourage, support and love their husbands for that matter. For now crossdressing has this ability to get the best out of me, bring out my soft side, I become more sensitive and basically a better person. It would be wonderful to be able to share that with the one you love and in the process receive so much more in love, attention and bonding - i.e., many women dream come true. Women out there have no idea of such a positive impact acceptance would have in their relationship and if they would embrace and encourage their crossdressing husbands. I guarantee they would be shocked with the improvement in their beloved man as ostracizing them will do nothing but rather kill any person little by little. Our feminine side is not a "dirty thought" but an intimate revelation of a beautiful side that is soft and tender so please ladies, love your husbands! Remember. You ARE feminine!
Transitioning into a real woman has never left my mind. My dream now is to have a MTF transgender friend I could talk to and share my inner thoughts and feelings and even get some advices. Just having a real great friendship where we can give each other the best of us with no limits, barriers or fears on sharing our ideas. This is the first time I share my story but as a good Italian I love to talk and laugh. So if you are looking for a wonderful friend, I am one too and would love to hear from you. I'm looking to make friends with MTF transgenders and understanding women. My e-mail is email@example.com so I look forward to reading from you.
From the bottom of my heart,
femmelilly 46-50, M 12 Responses 11 Aug 3, 2012