But It's Not An Easy Thing To Do For Me..

I've always been an introvert, for one. Add in the fact that I have social anxiety, just-plain-anxiety and paranoia and you find that it's not easy. I'm shy too.. So basically I have difficulty approaching people, which kinda makes meeting new people nearly impossible.. I also have aspergers, so people misunderstand me all the time.. And I'm still working on that whole thinking-before-I-speak thing. I'm just an honest person, and I speak my thoughts. They just fall out of my mouth. Luckily, I can catch some I would rather not be heard.. "Yay..thoughts that are meant to try to sound right sound wrong and within that I say the wrong thing cause I thought it a different way so then it sounds wrong and is grammatically incorrect and/or has the wrong word usage that I wanted to use..and I look like a moronic idiot....great." -_-;; (The last sentence was meant to be a complete run-on..basically a somewhat phrase of how I think...) Oh! And then when I do get to talking, after all the fun of being shy.. I talk too much... -_-;; (It's another part of aspergers..) Once I get comfortable with a person..it's like someone opened the flood gates of my mouth.. Yahhhhh... You're probably thinking this gal's nuts. ^^;; Heh.

Well, with all that I mentioned above, I thought it would be a good idea to mention more on..how I feel about it.

I have had quite a few friends in my life, or I guess the proper way would be: "friends." Thus, I've developed the mentality that basically everyone is out to get me. People only want to be my friend to use me, to get something from me, and that they don't really care. I know it's not everyone. But there are few people in my life that I have actually opened up to and they've stayed around. The numbers that have left is astonishing to me. I lost count long ago. I am so thankful for those who stayed with me and showed me what true friendship is.

I guess I'm just afraid...afraid that I'll meet another person and lose them. Again.. 'Cause, well, what's the use in being someone's friend if they're just gonna leave you once they get what they wanted from you?.. I struggle with thoughts like that all the time. I am overly analytical and very strange, even so to myself. Practically no one understands how I am. Those who I tell who I am, just get sick and/or tired of me because they can't understand. Those who don't know, well, they'll probably never know. And yes, there are the few of my friends that found out and understood, the very few..

Really, I'm not trying to make this a dramatic, woe-is-me, depressive post. lol I'm simply saying, in a very messed up, ADD manner, that I have issues and I've been hurt. I needn't go into story mode..again, for I've already typed a novel here. ^^;;

Through the hurt and suffrage, I am still a very nice, honest, loving person. Those who stay around bring out the best in me. I am nice to everyone, unless they give me reason not to be. So maybe if I work a bit on all this stuff I'll be able to meet new people and make more friends. :]
Ariesgrl21 Ariesgrl21
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 20, 2012

Very good and honest story. I also have problems meeting new people, I probably have aspergers and my social behavior is pretty much like yours.