Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

But It's Not An Easy Thing To Do For Me..

I've always been an introvert, for one. Add in the fact that I have social anxiety, just-plain-anxiety and paranoia and you find that it's not easy. I'm shy too.. So basically I have difficulty approaching people, which kinda makes meeting new people nearly impossible.. I also have aspergers, so people misunderstand me all the time.. And I'm still working on that whole thinking-before-I-speak thing. I'm just an honest person, and I speak my thoughts. They just fall out of my mouth. Luckily, I can catch some I would rather not be heard.. "Yay..thoughts that are meant to try to sound right sound wrong and within that I say the wrong thing cause I thought it a different way so then it sounds wrong and is grammatically incorrect and/or has the wrong word usage that I wanted to use..and I look like a moronic idiot....great." -_-;; (The last sentence was meant to be a complete run-on..basically a somewhat phrase of how I think...) Oh! And then when I do get to talking, after all the fun of being shy.. I talk too much... -_-;; (It's another part of aspergers..) Once I get comfortable with a's like someone opened the flood gates of my mouth.. Yahhhhh... You're probably thinking this gal's nuts. ^^;; Heh.

Well, with all that I mentioned above, I thought it would be a good idea to mention more I feel about it.

I have had quite a few friends in my life, or I guess the proper way would be: "friends." Thus, I've developed the mentality that basically everyone is out to get me. People only want to be my friend to use me, to get something from me, and that they don't really care. I know it's not everyone. But there are few people in my life that I have actually opened up to and they've stayed around. The numbers that have left is astonishing to me. I lost count long ago. I am so thankful for those who stayed with me and showed me what true friendship is.

I guess I'm just afraid...afraid that I'll meet another person and lose them. Again.. 'Cause, well, what's the use in being someone's friend if they're just gonna leave you once they get what they wanted from you?.. I struggle with thoughts like that all the time. I am overly analytical and very strange, even so to myself. Practically no one understands how I am. Those who I tell who I am, just get sick and/or tired of me because they can't understand. Those who don't know, well, they'll probably never know. And yes, there are the few of my friends that found out and understood, the very few..

Really, I'm not trying to make this a dramatic, woe-is-me, depressive post. lol I'm simply saying, in a very messed up, ADD manner, that I have issues and I've been hurt. I needn't go into story mode..again, for I've already typed a novel here. ^^;;

Through the hurt and suffrage, I am still a very nice, honest, loving person. Those who stay around bring out the best in me. I am nice to everyone, unless they give me reason not to be. So maybe if I work a bit on all this stuff I'll be able to meet new people and make more friends. :]
Ariesgrl18 Ariesgrl18 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 20, 2012

Your Response


Very good and honest story. I also have problems meeting new people, I probably have aspergers and my social behavior is pretty much like yours.

Well, I'm sorry you've been hurt and "friends" have left you. I wonder if you mean out in the real world, or on these networks? I think the term "friend" is somewhat abused in the world of social networking. It means so much more to me than it just by two people clicking add, so I don't expect every EP friend to actually be a real friend, if you know what I mean?<br />
<br />
Out in the real world I have some friends, close at times, more distant at others, depending on what's going on in our lives, but dependable, you know, tried and tested.<br />
<br />
Trust me, I have a moderately good understanding of Aspergers, for many reasons I don't care much to go into. It is frustrating indeed to be misunderstood. I've struggled over the years to try to understand many different types of people, and I can find a place to love those who might have Aspergers and therefore truly struggle to express to others, to connect with others, even though they have really good hearts and are wonderfully caring people inside.<br />
<br />
You do come across as just such a person. Your honesty and forthrightness is what makes me want to know you better. And there are many things that can arise for people with Aspergers, that one can train oneself to gradually cope better and better with. Aspergers isn't the same for everyone, but very often, those who have it are very intelligent people. You certainly come across as such. That means you have raw tools to put to use to adapt to coping better and better with anything that is difficult in life. And that's a process we all have to go through, every single one of us -- people I mean :)

Yes, I know what you mean. The title friend is very over-used. And people who says they're you're friend end up not being said "friend" when you need them. :/ But I agree completely.
I also have few friends in the real world. Close ones. I usually shut out anyone who doesn't care enough to be closer to me.
Thank you for such kind words! ^^ I try my best to get people to understand - which I guess is why I close up to most people. Most people don't even give me the chance to explain. You say one wrong thing, and you're judged for it. Hence, I became the shy, quiet girl in the corner.
I do hope that I'll cope better somehow. I try to think as much as I can and still manage to screw up what I say. I guess time can only help. And I think I know exactly what you mean by coping with difficult things in life. :]

Yes, I don't know where this immediate judgementalness is coming from. Selfishness, and absolutely giving no quarter to anyone? Everyone so being the centre of their own universe, that any slight thing they dislike, and they reject you, while like sheep conforming to every trend so that no-one will reject them? You're thoughtful, and that's very decent of you. More people should be, I think.