It Is Not Better To Have Loved And Lost

I met a man this year and even though it was a relatively short while, it was enough time for me to really fall for him. I am a very sensitive person and aside from that, it is very rare that I meet someone I am actually interested in. I am not one of those people who date just to have 'someone' because they are scared of being alone. I am very independent and will only date someone if I see potential for something serious. I went to see a speaker at an academic setting and went across the street to have pizza afterward, and he had been there too and asked if he could sit with me. We had a nice conversation followed by a few dates and I thought my prayers had been answered. Things went so well and everyone told me that I was 'glowing' lately. I suppose I was. He was very handsome, smart, funny, educated, adventurous, fit, a real catch. I enjoyed his sense of humor and warmth. It was a joy to be with him. But then he started being 'busy' every other weekend. When I would invite him anywhere he would always stall and say he was busy but I made time for him. After I'd seen him one weekend, I asked the following weekend if he'd like to go see a movie with me. He said I'm busy can I take you up on that another time, maybe next weekend? MAYBE. As in we'll see how it goes. I was so hurt and pissed off that he kept blowing me off that I decided then and there that I would no longer initiate contact with him nor invite him anywhere again. If he wanted to keep me in his life, he could make some effort. Well, two days went by and he called and left me a message. I called him back and we spoke for about 10 minutes about nothing in particular; it was friendly but banal and I hung up feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. 2 days went by again. Then 3, 4, ...then 5. And then it struck me: Oh. We don't talk anymore. Just like that. I can **** off and die for all he cares. I am crushed. Truly. He was the first person I had been interested in for a year and a half since my last boyfriend. He had everything I wanted, but obviously he did not reciprocate those feelings. He had this plant in his room one day that he said a 'friend' wanted him to watch while she was out of town. I'm sure he was seeing someone else. It just hurts so much and I am the one who loses out in this situation. He got to have fun and feel like a man or whatever he wanted to do, and I am stuck with these awful feelings. It has been a month since he stopped talking to me and I am devastated. I try to be proactive, I've been eating well, going to yoga, started rock climbing, and meditating. Everything I can think of to stay busy and motivated. And I am honest with my feelings. Sometimes I just sit and cry. Sometimes I have to take a break at work to go into the bathroom and cry because my heart is broken and even though I am surrounded by choruses of "you deserve better/it wasn't meant to be/time heals all wounds" and other such trite advice, nothing helps. Nothing. I'm trying very hard to love myself and eventually be happy on my own - I am not going to try and date anyone from a place of neediness, I want it to be from a place of abundance because I think that would be best so I know I am headed in the right direction, but it hurts every day and I don't want to spend months or years pining for some a**hole who couldn't care less about me. It makes me very angry that he hasn't suffered any consequences at all, doesn't miss me, doesn't care. Moved on to another girl (I assume) and is having a great time. I hate this situation and I wish I'd never met him. It's not fair that I have to deal with this and he doesn't. I just wish he wouldn't have wasted my time. I am 31 years old and he was 28. I feel like he has all the time in the world to flit about and do what he pleases and I don't have that luxury. I'm scared that I will never find someone that has the total package like him again. It just leaves me mystified that it was all such a one sided experience and he wasn't feeling the same way. I'm not an idiot, I would never keep trying to be with someone who clearly wasn't interested, I was lead on and made to believe that he was interested in me and I just don't understand why. If he wasn't interested then stop calling. Why drag it out and make the whole thing more agonizing for me and then just disappear off the face of the earth doing an about face? I guess as hard as it is to admit it, I was just his backburner. It kills me to admit and realize this, but I now know it's true. Anyway, if anyone has had a similar experience or feels like they have some insight or better yet had a similar experience and then met someone even better-well I'd be interested in hearing about it. Thanks All
BillieJean31 BillieJean31
2 Responses Jul 10, 2011

Hi Wonder! You know what's funny? I had completely forgotten about writing this until I was emailed your comment. I pretty much forgot about the guy too lol. In retrospect, he was a douchebag with ****** taste in music and I'm glad I didn't end up with him. Since then I met (and lost) yet another guy. Life is funny. I was very depressed about Guy No. 2 as well and was even so sad and lethargic and despondent, I couldn't even get out of bed. But now (approx 2 months later) I realize that it's okay and I'm moving toward contentment. I think this happened to me again in part because I did not love myself or know myself. I am making advancements toward that now. It's not perfect by any means, but I have made some substantial progress and I am really proud of myself. I know it will happen when the time is right and I need to be much nicer to myself and not contract 'love' out through a third party. I literally cut out the middle man and have been learning about my value outside of what I can offer to men. Do you struggle with similar issues? I have been eating well, exercising more, and only talking to friends who make me feel good. I deserve that. I deserve kindness and respect and appreciation. Which I didn't really feel toward myself before, so I think subconsciously I may have chosen someone for the wrong reasons. At this point, I have days when I am sad and I still cry once in a while, but I have made some serious connections with my friends and with my life in general and have been more present lately. And that counts for a lot. I am being patient and compassionate with myself and the process is worth it. You'll be glad you lost this loser some day when you look back and see him for the shallow **** that he is. And when you do...think of me :)

PS-I'm a Sag

XO Merry Christmas

Wow ... would you believe it if I told you I went through the SAME EXACT THING! I met up with a guy in a really random way and we got along from day 1. I got attached to him really quickly and that rarely happens to me, I was pretty surprised, but he was very comfortable and fun to be around. We got really close and could sit for hours talking about nothing in particular, and although we never really officially dated or said that we liked each other, we did have our moments that assured our feelings. And just like you, he was also the first person I had been interested in for almost two years since my last boyfriend. Anyway, we used to hang out everyday and stay up late and everything, then after a month things started to change. He would say "I don't feel like going out today" , "I'll just stay in tonight", and then I said fine if he doesn't want to meet up I'm not gonna beg him to. He did talk to me once though and I got so happy thinking I was just overreacting earlier, but then the same thing happened again, and then he never bothered asking. I talked to him once saying that we haven't talked in a while and how's everything, but it was like two friends who barely know each other having a short kind chat. Its been 3 months now and I cry every single day, and it does make it worse knowing that he is having fun and I don't really matter to him at all. I even saw him a couple of times randomly and said hi with a huge stupid grin on my face and all he did was nod and say hi softly with a straight face. I get so pissed off at my self because I usually don't let people in fast, it took me a whole year to get over my ex-boyfriend. My problem is once I do let someone in, its very hard for me to get over it. I thought getting over this guy would take me one month tops... but here I am, after 3 months and every single day I cry and he is constantly on my mind. Another thing for me is that I hate complaining to my friends and I hate showing that I care, so it all bottles up in making it even worse. I'm actually glad I found this post, helped me to get everything out anonymously, and to someone who went through the same thing and doesn't think I'm insane :)

P.S. (are you by any chance an aquarius? Just wondering :) )