Ex and the City

The pain of being dumped is something that is endured time and time again over the course of history. It can happen to the most beautiful, strongest, fesity woman, no woman is safe. 

Love is dangerous, when you truly become vulnerable and let your guard down and fall in love that's when you're at risk of having your heart broken.

Alexandra Heminsley writes "You're nobody 'till somebody dumps you" in her book 'Ex and the city'.


{{"Alexandra reveals the important truth she learns: that being dumped should not be a source of shame, but should be a badge of honour.  Because unless you're ready to risk all, you'll never find love..."

"We've all been there: one minute you're in a loving relationship...the next minute you've been dumped.  Now you're a reject, choking back the sobs as you trundle home alone".

"...no one wants to be there, (dumped ), but most of the time it's the only way to get somewhere better.  Think of it as a busy airport when your flight's delayed on the way to a fabulous, much longed-for holiday.  You genuinely believe you are trapped in that hell for ever.  But you will take off eventually, and then ...sunshine!"

"..Yes, I was prepared to see things through.  Yes, I was prepared to see things through.  Yes, I was prepared to take emotional risks and give things another chance.  Yes, I was prepared to say how I felt first, even if it meant he might not reciprocate.  And yes, it got me dumped.

So I thought: know your enemy.  What is it about getting dumped that makes it such a unique agony?  How can I find out everything that there is to know about it, and get over it?

So I did. And by the time I had, I saw getting dumped as a badge of honour, not a source of shame.  And so should you..."

"....Aeneas : "Well, I never promised to marry you either, did I?" {in latin: 'nec coniugis umquam praetendi taedas, aut haec in foedera veni'}. (Dido - Queen of Carthage star of the Latin text The Anenied by Virgil, published in 19 BC).

"..."But I loved him! And he loved me! I think!"...."what about the jaw comment?"

"I made the mistake of asking him what he thought was the most beautiful thing about me..." .." I've always found you have a pleasing jaw".

"you've almost got to admire his commitment to a total LACK of commitment.  Honestly it must actually require quite a lot of imagination to come up with something as unutterably without charm.  It's like someone named Giuseppe Montebravo asking what you most love about Rome, and replying, 'Oh, I've always found the municipal bus links terribly efficient'.

{her mother on the phone} "Oh darling, we all saw it coming. He wore far too much brown, and he wasn't good enough for you anyway".

"He wore too much brown?"

"Yes it was so depressing.  It was dampening your spirits, I could tell.  Obviously no one is going to be good enough for you in my eyes, but he was so dour".

"You're so right.  He's probably evil and wearing brown because it's some kind of cult uniform".  I was starting to get into the swing of it now.  Irrationality always seemed to work for her.

"Exactly". }}

[end quote]


On reflection, one of the things that bothered me about my ex, he never really gave me many compliments, even when I knew I was looking nice, he would say nothing. He might comment on what I was wearing, the most I think he mustered was "you're looking very smart".

I complimented him, said he's looking nice, quote often. 

 Although once in the beginning of our relationship, when I had my haircut, he said it looked very cute and actually noticed.

In the beginning he used to give me loads of compliments saying he thought I was really pretty.  But near the end of the relationship, the compliments just started to vanish. 

Even the night he dumped me at the restaurant, he still reassured me, that he thought I was "really pretty" and was still attracted to me, but simply was not in love with me.  I have to admit, that was good to hear.  As I was thinking, is it beacuse he is not physically attracted to me anymore? But I guess I just wasn't good enough for him.  In all relationships, that's basically what it comes down, you can decorate the exuses as much as you like, but the bottom line is when someone breaks up with you, is because in their heart of hearts, they think you are not good enough for them, and they don't want to commit to you, because they would rather wait for someone better, or think they can get someone better.  And simply you just are not "the one" for them.  That they are not head over heels in love with you, or attracted to you (not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense, in the sense, I have to talk to you everyday, and I can't get enough of you).

As I sat there, I couldn't stop staring at my half filled glass of sprite, and looking at the reflection of the candle in the glass.  I could hardly look at him.  When he said those words "no, I did not miss you...that was when my stomach just dropped and I did not eat another thing"...

At the end, I practically tried to fight with him, to pay for my share, but he wouldn't let me.  I did not want him to pay for me.  But he wouldn't let me pay. So I ended up taking it home, because the waiter looked at me so reproachfully and asked "you did not like the food?" I was heartbroken and couldn't muster to eat anything, and said "no no, it was lovely, uh I'll take it home please". 

So there I was on the tube, tears streaming down my face, with a doggy bag of turkish food.. The walk home was the hardest, I couldn't stop crying, and my heart literally broke, it was so painful.  I just wanted anything to take the pain away, but nothing could console me or take away the heartache....

Laara Laara
2 Responses Apr 22, 2008

Wow...I've been there before and it never gets easier. You mentioned that at the bottom of all the excuses the guy does not believe you are good enough for him. Sometimes that is the case, but sometimes it is more that the guy isn't sure of what he wants and needs time to figure out what that is. At the end of the road, it might be even be you but that doesn't mean a "free pass" back into your life by any means. Hang in there and stay strong *hugs*

I know it hurts, and trust me I know. It's not that you are not good enough for him, its simply that men are generally insecure and when THEY don't feel good enough about themselves, they do something that will, and that is dump the woman. Its not that he stopped loving you, its that his ego stopped getting bigger and it was time for him to move on to someone that would boost it. In the end, its the best thing, because would you really still want to be with someone that breaks up with you at dinner and expects you to sit around and act like "its just a dinner"? No its more than that, if he obviously cannot even pick the right setting, then this guy is not smart enough to make any kind of decisions. Good luck girl.