Why Did I Have To Relive The Pain?

I started dating my first and only real girlfriend my sophomore year of high school. We had an interesting relationship to say the least, full of highs, lows, and everything in between. She was my first for everything besides a kiss. We could laugh and joke around for hours on end and had amazing sexual chemistry. Unfortunately she was unfaithful and cheated on me, lied, and did things to hurt me in very painful ways.

After three years of being off and on, and then being at different colleges we completely stopped speaking. I thought of her often but I knew it was time to move on and find someone that wanted to love me the way I wanted to love them. I searched...and searched...and searched...for over 3 years without making any contact with her. I even saw therapists to help me cope with the depression I developed.

Then as chance would have it, a good friend of mine invited me a music festival with him and his cousins and their friends. Turns out one of his cousins is the best friend of my ex! Small world right? I debated for days whether or not I wanted to go and see her again. Eventually I decided to suck it up and went. It turned out to be a good experience as I fell in love with the music (electronic dance music) and I even had some friendly dialogue with my ex after she came running up to say hi to me.

Everything was fine after that. I didn't miss her, I just felt ok knowing that I saw her and everything went fine. However this was just the start to the problem I now face. We started to occasionally speak through text messages and even see each other at more of these festivals and shows because of the mutual friends. At one of these events she even pulled me outside and gave me what I had always wanted from her. A deep, sincere apology for all the pain and suffering she caused me.

I can't even begin to describe how that felt for me. It was like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe again. I had always felt like she just never realized what she did to me, and also just didn't care. But after that I started to think, maybe she has changed and is a more mature person than she was in high school. After all it had been 7 years since we first started dating and she is now getting her masters degree in psychology. So we continued to be friendly and see other when mutual friends brought us together. We even started to hang out by ourselves, and went to a show just us two. Nothing happened besides dancing but we both had a great time.

Then the date that was once our "anniversary" came. I hate to admit that I still remember that date, but whatever I do. I texted her asking if she remembered too. It led to her driving an hour to my apartment the next day and eventually having sex. We both said it was just because we wanted to see what it would be like again, with no feelings involved, but who am I kidding, of course feeling were involved. I went to see her the next weekend where we talked for 5 hours until 3 am about what it would be like to be together again.

In my mind this meant that she was interested. Two weeks later I brought it up again and I told her it has been awesome to reconnect again and I don't want to jump into anything but I didn't want to get hurt and wanted to know how she felt and where this was going. She told me that she didn't know what she wanted and couldn't give me an answer.

That was last weekend and I haven't spoken to her since. Now I am in a very weird place mentally and emotionally. For almost 9 months we had been starting to see each other more and more eventually brining her back into the forefront of my mind. I can't lie that a part of me really wants to see what it would be like to be with her again. But it seems she doesn't want that, and I cannot put myself out there anymore for risk of being hurt all over again like I was a long time ago. But I am already hurting. I feel that pang in my heart when I think of her. The nightmares of her hurting me have come back. I find myself wanting to look at her facebook to know what she's doing. All this just bring me back to a very painful and depressed place that only leads to very negative thoughts.

So now I feel like an idiot. I reopened pandoras box which is never a good thing. I got so caught up in talking to her again I forgot everything I learned in the time I did not speak to her. And now I feel like I have to start the process of moving on all over again. The worst part is I don't know that I ever really did move on. I always had a deep hope that there would be a hollywood ending like this. We would somehow reconnect, fall in love all over and be perfect for each other. I have to realize that is just a dream made up in movie studios and not real life. Hopefully this time around is easier to at least make myself believe I am moving on and try to find someone who will appreciate and bring out the love and compassion that is now buried deep inside my heart.
bballsportz bballsportz
26-30, M
1 Response May 27, 2013

It is perfectly normal to pine after ex when you have deeply loved her. But now it is the time to let go as she has not reciprocated your feelings. Otherwise you are going to be hurt all over again.