I'm Not A Second-class CitizenI know why they want to keep me here. It's obvious that they're afraid to lose their children. But I've got to break loose.
I am almost 19 years old, and I always told myself that when I was 18, I would leave my parents' house. I just knew that I'd move away to a University, and my life could begin. However, it just didn't work out that way. Here I am, unemployed, and trapped, as an adult, in an adolescent situation. I can't go out with my boyfriend at night. I'm not allowed to go to school functions. Yet it seems like everyone around me is having the time of their lives.
After I graduated from high school, I cried. Not from happiness, but frustration. I had been admitted to a University, and was all set to leave the moment classes started. But, in the weeks before graduation, I listened to my parents too much. "It's too much money," they said, "You'll never be able to afford it." True. The only job I'd ever had was at a grocery store, and I left, because I thought I was moving away. Therefore, I didn't have $19,000 lying around my house. My parents sure weren't going to help, either. They saw it, I think, as an opportunity to keep me here, so that they can continue to control me. Well, they do. Every day.
I have no money. I had a 3.8 GPA in high school, and was a part of all sorts of clubs, activities, and honor societies. But still i couldn't find a grant, fund or scholarship that thought I was worthy. Why? I don't suppose it matters. But it does leave my wallet empty. Therefore, I now attend school at a community college. I'm not even full-time. I'm barely half-time. But I can't get any more funding, and certainly not a job, because employers automatically assume that, because I'm young, I couldn't possibly be a good employee.
On the other hand, while I suffer confinement most of the time, my sister enjoys the freedom that I never had. Maybe my parents just pay her more attention because she's older, or maybe they want to 'fix' her. All I know is that we never got an equal amount of attention. She was always the golden child: beautiful, smart, talented.. but stubborn. Everyone fawned over her throughout her life, and now this has increased tenfold. She became pregnant 5 months ago, and is now having a darling little boy. I'm happy to get to be an aunt, but I recently learned the reason that my parents don't want me to work. She has expressed her desire for me to become her private, full-time babysitter. If you ask me, that simply isn't fair. I have a life to live, too. Just because she wants to run around with her abusive, idiot boyfriend and disgrace our traditional Christian family in the eyes of everyone we know, I should not have to put my life on hold. This was NOT my mistake.
Sometimes, the smallest things add up to my list of grievances. It seems that I can't join intelligent conversation with my father, because no matter what I say, I'm wrong. He has called me stupid before, and wondered aloud to my mother (because he thought I couldn't hear him) how it is that they raised such a disappointing child. After hearing that, I cried until I thought I would die from dehydration. My mother takes a different tactic; belittling me. Anything we talk about, she approaches the subject as if I don't know anything, in a sickly sweet, sugar coated voice commonly used with small children. I cannot hardly finish any sentence, even and especially when I have a valid point, because I am quickly interrupted. Any accomplishment I achieve goes unnoticed, but my older sister very nearly gets a parade every time she feels the baby kick. Yet, when i recently had a pregnancy scare, everyone told me that I am any number of colorful names, and put shame on the family.They only found out because I can't even have privacy in my own home. The truth is, I only recently lost my virginity, unlike my sister, who lost hers at age 14.
My father always used to say, "You are not second-class citizens in this house". But that's not true. I can't even leave but to go to school and on an occasional date. I am overloaded with extra chores to 'punish' me for things I don't do, ridiculed, interrupted, belittled, and subjected almost daily to a hurtful tongue lashing. It has been like this for as long as I can remember, but it gets progressively worse the longer I stay. At one point, prior to counseling and serious therapy,I seriously considered killing myself, but then realized that that would also be unfair, and wouldn't solve anything. My parents have cleverly kept me here with 'empty nest' pleas, my lack of employment, and lack of wealth. I don't blame them for wanting me to stay, but I'm tired of putting up with this every day.
writewithwit 18-21, F 2 Responses 0 Oct 26, 2011