I Do...

.....but i am me....no pleasing girl...only selfish, high strung, bitchy....you deserve better

lonesurvivor lonesurvivor
56-60, F
5 Responses Feb 26, 2010

ah, i needed to read this..... thanks.... ah, reading this is like a soap opera for me but it's like learning but without experiencing it... thank you for posting this intimate view of human nature. <3

My darling, i am soo very undeserving of you...but , yes..we WILL learn to help soothe the causes of their appearances. I cherish you, my dearest love, and will do everything i can to make sure "she" doesn't take over often. <br />
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My dearest - as 'she" is a part of you, I love "her" as I love you. However, as "she" so rarely is in control, I have yet to learn the best way to deal with "her". That other persona is the other side of you; I do have another side also - similar in nature - but that persona in me seems even more suppressed than yours. I felt "him" gaining strength last night, and THAT is why I asked for a break; to let us both gain control. The most dangerous thing to our love, in my mind, is for both of our alternate personae to be in control at the same time. As we spend the rest of out lives together, we will learn to help each other control our other personae and their appearance will undoubtedly become less frequent. <br />
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As much as "her" appearance is embarrassing and undesired to you, I want you to clearly understand that I love you as much, if not even more, than before she appeared. I may not like her and her ways, but I LOVE YOU - ALL OF YOU - and that includes her. IKILYBIMY ITIDYIL.

This misunderstanding is really not a misunderstanding, but my frustrations taking on a persona of their own.You had no reason to know how to deal with "her"...as everything about the person i become is different than from me....i have lost other "loves" because of "her" before..."she" taking life as the result of the same thing that conjured her this time. She is intolerant, easily offended,and impossible to placate. This is why i warned you at the beginning of our conversation..not an attempt to obfuscate responsibility, but only an explanation. Tonight, she was made of lorcet, all the nasty things said about me, and disemminated to even your family ,by your soon to be ex, my soon to be ex's newfound penchant for taking away everything he possibly can, my desperate longing for your arms, and the understandable (from their point of view) doubt about my choice of going to you. This is me....and i cannot pretend that "she" is not me...she is the worst in me, allowed to have free reign in my life...free to be as intractable, intolerant and unpredictable as she pleases....running roughshod over everything and everyone in her way, deserving or no. You are the first man to care enough to know the impetus,and to want to placate me anyway. You are much too good for me, my love. ITIDYIL

You, my darling wife, do please me all many ways; although you are very high maintenance, I know you are worth everything it takes to love you without limits. There are times I may not love the things you say, or how we misunderstand each other, but that does not diminish my love for you - it only lets me know that i need to care for you better. You are exactly who I deserve, who I have been blessed to have; I love you, endlessly, without bounds, and without reservations. I hope you are at this moment sleeping well, and that tomorrow is a better day for US. IKILYBIMY - ITIDYIL!