If I Could Just Get Over the First Hump...

I need to get my head together again.  Everyday I want to scream, throw things.  I try to be strong, I try to stay away, but he always manages to pull me back in...and then hurts me again.

If I could just get through one week without any contact at all, I think I would be better.  If he calls, don't answer; if he emails, don't reply; if he sends a text, don't respond.  It is much easier said than done.  Today, for example, he emailed me at 11:30...I saw his name there, I read his email and I closed it without replying.  Good job, right?  ?WRONG!!!  I replied at 11:45.  Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!  I get so mad at myself!  Why can't I just be strong?  I am not a weak person by any means, which is why this is so frustrating!

So, what happens?  He replies back with some flirty remarks.  Again I try not to reply, but I do...this went back and forth about 4 times.  Then, the inevitable happened...I reply to him with a question and I don't hear from him again.  When I get to work in the morning, there will be a response or nothing, depending on his mood.  Then, he will string me along all week.  "Maybe I'll come see you, don't make any other plans" he will say to me.  So what do you think I will do?  I won't make any other plans, of course!!!  Dumb, dumb, dumb!

But, I did do something different today, that I haven't done before...I didn't ask him if he would see me.  Usually I am the one who asks and then I wait.  This time, I didn't.  My replies to him were not as flirty as usual and I didn't respond to his.  This is, again, a big step for me.  Inside though, I'm miserable.  I want to see him again, even though I know I shouldn't.  What I want the most, though, is for him to want to see me, to want to be with me...why is that so difficult for him to do???

I want to be me again...I want to be free and be able to concentrate on my life again...I don't want to be so sad all the time...

purpleriz purpleriz
51-55, F
Mar 16, 2009