Twas The Night Before QuittingTwas the night before quitting,
I am finishing this pack.
I have already gone out out and bought a months worth of patches.
*takes a drag and blows out smoke*
My addiction, my drug, my dirty little secret started at the age of eighteen.
I was at a friends home overnight and we were drinking tequila.
And for some reason I had the sudden urge to have a smoke.
I cant really explain it or why.
A part of me always wondered if I was already halfway addicted before I even started.
My parents smoked all my life, rooms filled with that pungent smell of smoke.
The long drives of not being able to breath.
Had all the second hand smoke made me susceptible to start.
I don't rightfully know but have a smoke I did, and another, and another.
I smoked a whole freaking pack that night.
Now being who I am I replaced that pack I smoked of my friends and stupidly bought my own.
It was about a month before my nineteenth birthday and I had started smoking.
Now I did not tell my parents. I kept it a secret.
But soon they smelled the leftover aroma of smoke coming from my sisters room.
There was a vent between my sisters room and mind and it had seeped through.
I was sitting in my room and I could hear my parents giving my sister trouble for smoking.
A guilt filled me of course as it was not fair for my sis to take the fall for my folly.
I waited for my parents to be alone and came downstairs and heard them discussing my sister and their disgust with her.
I looked at them and said, Its not her, its me.
Dad was thoroughly disgusted with me but said very little.
Except, after all these years you gave us a hard time.
Your allergies, your breathing..........Are you stupid.
But I stubbornly continued to smoke.
It was my act of defiance.
In my mind, I had given them no trouble.
Went to school, worked, helped out.
I had never embarrassed them with bad behaviour.
I had done everything right and for once I was going to do something that went against my nature.
So I continued to smoke.
So here I am 17 years later, still smoking.
I have watched my Dad die from lung cancer.
I have watched my grandma shut off her oxygen machine and light up a smoke.
And its been slowly gnawing at my conscience.
I am not proud to be a smoker, I do not want my girls to watch me die from lung cancer, and I do not want them to see me shut off a breathing machine so I can smoke safely.
Twas the night before quitting,
a months supply of patches.
Tomorrow will be my first day of not smoking.
Wish me luck.
snowberry75 36-40, F 13 Responses 8 Oct 7, 2011