Twas The Night Before Quitting

Twas the night before quitting, 
I am finishing this pack. 
I have already gone out out and bought a months worth of patches. 
*takes a drag and blows out smoke*

My addiction, my drug, my dirty little secret started at the age of eighteen.
I was at a friends home overnight and we were drinking tequila. 
And for some reason I had the sudden urge to have a smoke. 
I cant really explain it or why.
A part of me always wondered if I was already halfway addicted before I even started. 
My parents smoked all my life, rooms filled with that pungent  smell of smoke.
The long drives of not being able to breath.
Had all the second hand smoke made me susceptible to start. 
I don't rightfully know but have a smoke I did, and another, and another. 
I smoked a whole freaking pack that night.  
Now being who I am I replaced that pack I smoked of my friends and stupidly bought my own. 

It was about a month before my nineteenth birthday and I had started smoking. 
Now I did not tell my parents.  I kept it a secret.
But soon they smelled the leftover aroma of smoke coming from my sisters room.
There was a vent between my sisters room and mind and it had seeped through. 
I was sitting in my room and I could hear my parents giving my sister trouble for smoking. 
A guilt filled me of course as it was not fair for my sis to take the fall for my folly.  
I waited for my parents to be alone and came downstairs and heard them discussing my sister and their disgust with her.
I looked at them and said, Its not her, its me.  

Dad was thoroughly disgusted with me but said very little.
Except, after all these years you gave us a hard time.
Your allergies, your breathing..........Are you stupid. 
But I stubbornly continued to smoke.  
It was my act of defiance. 

In my mind, I had given them no trouble.
Went to school, worked, helped out.
I had never embarrassed them with bad behaviour. 
I had done everything right and for once I was going to do something that went against my nature. 
So I continued to smoke.

So here I am 17 years later, still smoking.
I have watched my Dad die from lung cancer.
I have watched my grandma shut off her oxygen machine and light up a smoke. 
And its been slowly gnawing at my conscience.  
I am not proud to be a smoker, I do not want my girls to watch me die from lung cancer, and I do not want them to see me shut off a breathing machine so I can smoke safely.  

Twas the night before quitting, 
a months supply of patches.
Tomorrow will be my first day of not smoking. 
Wish me luck. 
snowberry75 snowberry75
36-40, F
11 Responses Oct 7, 2011

Hi there all, my name is Amanda. My husband has been an ex-smoker now for 2 years. No-he didnt go cold turkey, no he didn't ween himself down, no he didnt suffer the agony of night terrors by downing chantix every day. He simply found an alternative: What is that you might ask? Modified. Electronic. Cigarettes, and they are the rare thing that are good enough to be true and can be all you ever need to keep your habit but ditch the smoke and 500 chemical-aspect of it. We believe in it so much, that we now are a part of the industry and couldnt be more excited for people to make the it is SOO much cheaper than ciggies. if you are serious about an alternative, jvmodshop has everything you need and the how-to sections will completely educate you more about it, don't wait because this is smoking of the future. :) google jvmodshop and just vape

You will Be Successful! You have a made up mind And heart. God Bless "You."

Good Luck!

Wow That is a great decision. I've heard it is difficult but you were wise to ask us to support you. If you feel the urge to ignite call your friends here to help you fight. We love you snowberry, you can do it.

I am definitely feeling the love my friend, from everyone, its somewhat overwhelming but very very heartwarming. Thanks hun.

Good luck Snow you've come through so much already i know how determined and strong you can be i believe you will do this too .. :)

I have overcome so much and this is just another step in my journey to a happier and healthier life. Thanks for the support hun. All this from everyone is so encouraging and warms my heart in ways I cant put into words. ((HUGS))

Quite an undertaking, one I know I could not do<br />
But with girls to look out for, I really don't blame you <br />
With patches and e-smokes, there's wonders abound<br />
So many ways to shove the nic-demon down<br />
Though I have yet to find any reason, cause or concern,<br />
I can only hope to have an equivalent inner flame burn.<br />
<br />
I hope you succeed, and best wishes, and ask for same when I finally do find purpose enough to help me when I decide I no longer wish it as well.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really hope you will find your inspiration as well.

Good luck Snow.....You can do this! Think of the powerful message it'll send to the kids! That will offer the best support for teaching them NOT to smoke, watching you quit will stick with them.....<br />
hugs and hugs...

The grins on their faces when they came home last night and saw that I had bought the patches was rather heart-warming. The both have always hated my smoking. (hugs)

Wish I could quit. Just can't seem to. Unfortunately, I'm out and the nearest shop doesn't open til 7am, so I guess I'm done for the night. But I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you Megan, I have been there a few times myself and have even gone out late to get more or up first thing in the morning.

make sure you drink plenty of ice water......they claim that helps as well. And anything to keep you occupied is a great idea too.<br />
<br />
I have watched my husband try quitting several times over the years and it is hard. But if you do this for you then you'll have much success.<br />
<br />
wishing you tons of success snow. We're all here cheering you on.

Aww thank you jacee for your words of encouragement. :) I will be trying my hardest to finally break free from this habit. I will keep your suggestions in mind.

You will make it. You are determined enough. Wasn't it nice of your little sister not to tell on you?! LOL

LOL yea she really surprised me their, I told her she was an idiot to take the fall for me like when I spoke to her later. And to never do that again. She got really upset with me over that one but I told her that when it came to those kind of things you don't take the fall for people. That she needs to be wiser in picking her battles and what she will endure for others.

You can do it. Just get through the first few days and then you will be on your way. If you combine with a jogging program it will give you added motivation. But you know yourself and we are behind you as you forge ahead. It is diffcult but not impossible.

I really appreciate your support and suggestions. I plan to incorporate some walking and have a goal to take self defence as well. I am really looking a creating a very healthy new me.