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Twas The Night Before Quitting

Twas the night before quitting, 
I am finishing this pack. 
I have already gone out out and bought a months worth of patches. 
*takes a drag and blows out smoke*

My addiction, my drug, my dirty little secret started at the age of eighteen.
I was at a friends home overnight and we were drinking tequila. 
And for some reason I had the sudden urge to have a smoke. 
I cant really explain it or why.
A part of me always wondered if I was already halfway addicted before I even started. 
My parents smoked all my life, rooms filled with that pungent  smell of smoke.
The long drives of not being able to breath.
Had all the second hand smoke made me susceptible to start. 
I don't rightfully know but have a smoke I did, and another, and another. 
I smoked a whole freaking pack that night.  
Now being who I am I replaced that pack I smoked of my friends and stupidly bought my own. 

It was about a month before my nineteenth birthday and I had started smoking. 
Now I did not tell my parents.  I kept it a secret.
But soon they smelled the leftover aroma of smoke coming from my sisters room.
There was a vent between my sisters room and mind and it had seeped through. 
I was sitting in my room and I could hear my parents giving my sister trouble for smoking. 
A guilt filled me of course as it was not fair for my sis to take the fall for my folly.  
I waited for my parents to be alone and came downstairs and heard them discussing my sister and their disgust with her.
I looked at them and said, Its not her, its me.  

Dad was thoroughly disgusted with me but said very little.
Except, after all these years you gave us a hard time.
Your allergies, your breathing..........Are you stupid. 
But I stubbornly continued to smoke.  
It was my act of defiance. 

In my mind, I had given them no trouble.
Went to school, worked, helped out.
I had never embarrassed them with bad behaviour. 
I had done everything right and for once I was going to do something that went against my nature. 
So I continued to smoke.

So here I am 17 years later, still smoking.
I have watched my Dad die from lung cancer.
I have watched my grandma shut off her oxygen machine and light up a smoke. 
And its been slowly gnawing at my conscience.  
I am not proud to be a smoker, I do not want my girls to watch me die from lung cancer, and I do not want them to see me shut off a breathing machine so I can smoke safely.  

Twas the night before quitting, 
a months supply of patches.
Tomorrow will be my first day of not smoking. 
Wish me luck. 
snowberry75 snowberry75 36-40, F 13 Responses Oct 7, 2011

Your Response


Hi there all, my name is Amanda. My husband has been an ex-smoker now for 2 years. No-he didnt go cold turkey, no he didn't ween himself down, no he didnt suffer the agony of night terrors by downing chantix every day. He simply found an alternative: What is that you might ask? Modified. Electronic. Cigarettes, and they are the rare thing that are good enough to be true and can be all you ever need to keep your habit but ditch the smoke and 500 chemical-aspect of it. We believe in it so much, that we now are a part of the industry and couldnt be more excited for people to make the it is SOO much cheaper than ciggies. if you are serious about an alternative, jvmodshop has everything you need and the how-to sections will completely educate you more about it, don't wait because this is smoking of the future. :) google jvmodshop and just vape

You will Be Successful! You have a made up mind And heart. God Bless "You."

Good Luck!

Wow That is a great decision. I've heard it is difficult but you were wise to ask us to support you. If you feel the urge to ignite call your friends here to help you fight. We love you snowberry, you can do it.

I am definitely feeling the love my friend, from everyone, its somewhat overwhelming but very very heartwarming. Thanks hun.

Good luck Snow you've come through so much already i know how determined and strong you can be i believe you will do this too .. :)

I have overcome so much and this is just another step in my journey to a happier and healthier life. Thanks for the support hun. All this from everyone is so encouraging and warms my heart in ways I cant put into words. ((HUGS))

Quite an undertaking, one I know I could not do<br />
But with girls to look out for, I really don't blame you <br />
With patches and e-smokes, there's wonders abound<br />
So many ways to shove the nic-demon down<br />
Though I have yet to find any reason, cause or concern,<br />
I can only hope to have an equivalent inner flame burn.<br />
<br />
I hope you succeed, and best wishes, and ask for same when I finally do find purpose enough to help me when I decide I no longer wish it as well.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really hope you will find your inspiration as well.

P/s: Here is an example of what I call a "science-ba<x>sed" approach to managing any addiction:<br />
<br /><br />
<br />
They give a good overview of how drugs can help, but in other pages they also offer good tips on the psychological/ lifestyle side of quitting.<br />
<br />
Banzai!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />

WOW! First of all I want to thank you so much for taking the time to reply like this and offering me all these points. I will be sure to check them all out thoroughly. Congrats on being sober, your stats just blew me away, four months and there was already a significant difference. Now that is incredible. My doc is a huge fan of blood work *grumbles under breath she sure has wasted my time with them over the years* LOL and we do have the privilege of most blood work being covered by our health care. The only issue being it will take me almost two months to get in and see her. Sigh oh well. I am using the patches as an aid to fight off the cravings. And as I wrestle through a craving while replying to this, I am rubbing my damn patch in hopes it will kick in which in turn is causing my skin to react and burn. lol Dumb move on my part. That and the fact I didnt get rid of the evidence of my past smoking. So first thing I woke up too was my ash tray. Another dumb move. I emptied it and took it out of here. I will be taking a walk this morning to help alleviate some of the nerves. That will be the hardest part for me, smoking kept my need to be constantly moving at bay. lol Although the typing is helping a bit.Anyways I am going to quit my rambling here and get myself moving. As I am finding it rather difficult this morning as one craving after another hits me. Morning is always my worst time for smoking. I appreciate you kindness and effort to reply sooo much. Thank you. (hugs)

Hello snowberry. I am so happy for you! And incredibly impressed too.<br />
<br />
Ganbatte! You can do it.<br />
<br />
:)<br />
<br />
Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, I would like to offer you a bit of (unsolicited, I know, sorry!) advice:<br />
<br />
1. Don't try to "white knuckle" it. Instead, do everything you can to educate yourself about the physiological and psychological mechanisms of addiction/ withdrawal.<br />
<br />
:)<br />
<br />
*hug*<br />
<br />
For example, understand what "euphoric recall" is. And do remember some of the science behind cravings: Eg. My experience as a recovering alcoholic does confirm -- for me, at least -- that cravings do only last for about 10 minutes. Ride out those 10 minutes, distract yourself, and then after the craving has passed, you can just keep going.<br />
<br />
2. For me personally, it is very helpful to have a very personal and very private list of reasons for staying sober. One list for the plus side, and another for the negative side. On my "negative" list there was the horrible feeling towards the end of each day of guilt and fear knowing that I was doing serious harm to myself. On the "positive" side, there was the incredible amount of money I am saving by not buying alcohol, and also the fact that my health is so good now.<br />
<br />
3. Remember that it is never too late to stop. I was drinking so much -- 500 ml of neat whiskey a day, every day -- that there were times I told myself, "AP, you're 43. There's no point in trying to stop, you've already done too much damage to undo..."<br />
<br />
Not true. Well, okay, my past alcohol abuse does indeed put me at higher risk of certain cancers, eg. mouth and throat cancers, and cancer of the liver and pancreas and/or bowel and/or stomach.<br />
<br />
That said, I had liver function tests done in Q1-2011, before my surgery, and was surprised to discover that there were only "minor changes" in my liver function. However, several of the important numbers were not good at all.<br />
<br />
After four months of sobriety, the liver function tests were repeated and every single number was well within the healthy/ normal range.<br />
<br />
:)<br />
<br />
Just something for you to think about...<br />
<br />
3. If you can afford it, I strongly recommend getting your GP involved, and then getting a full medical/ executive health screening. In my case, some of the tests were done as prep for my surgery anyway, but my GP ordered up a full blood work-up which required only 3 cylinders of blood (*fasting blood test), no treadmill. I paid SGD$ 295 for that.<br />
<br />
This can be incredibly useful for a number of reasons. For one, getting this ba<x>seline can be a reality check but at the same time, also a bit of reassurance that it's worth it stopping. If you repeat the tests after 6 months you will probably see concrete evidence of better health.<br />
<br />
4. No long-winded point, just ((((((((((((((((((((( HUG )))))))))))))))))))<br />
<br />
Take care, and all the best in your mission to stop smoking! --<br />
<br />

Good luck Snow.....You can do this! Think of the powerful message it'll send to the kids! That will offer the best support for teaching them NOT to smoke, watching you quit will stick with them.....<br />
hugs and hugs...

The grins on their faces when they came home last night and saw that I had bought the patches was rather heart-warming. The both have always hated my smoking. (hugs)

Wish I could quit. Just can't seem to. Unfortunately, I'm out and the nearest shop doesn't open til 7am, so I guess I'm done for the night. But I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you Megan, I have been there a few times myself and have even gone out late to get more or up first thing in the morning.

make sure you drink plenty of ice water......they claim that helps as well. And anything to keep you occupied is a great idea too.<br />
<br />
I have watched my husband try quitting several times over the years and it is hard. But if you do this for you then you'll have much success.<br />
<br />
wishing you tons of success snow. We're all here cheering you on.

Aww thank you jacee for your words of encouragement. :) I will be trying my hardest to finally break free from this habit. I will keep your suggestions in mind.

You will make it. You are determined enough. Wasn't it nice of your little sister not to tell on you?! LOL

LOL yea she really surprised me their, I told her she was an idiot to take the fall for me like when I spoke to her later. And to never do that again. She got really upset with me over that one but I told her that when it came to those kind of things you don't take the fall for people. That she needs to be wiser in picking her battles and what she will endure for others.

You can do it. Just get through the first few days and then you will be on your way. If you combine with a jogging program it will give you added motivation. But you know yourself and we are behind you as you forge ahead. It is diffcult but not impossible.

I really appreciate your support and suggestions. I plan to incorporate some walking and have a goal to take self defence as well. I am really looking a creating a very healthy new me.