I'm A Chain Smoker

I never smoked in my life until my husband of 13 years kicked me out of the house. I started just puffing on Lucky Strikes every now and then. I ended up moving up to live with my mom and her husband, both chain smokers. I puffed more often just to be sociable and hang out with them. I stupidly married another man on the rebound and he insisted on smoking Newports, which I had to pay for. I puffed on them and when he noticed I didn't inhale he said I was missing out. He taught me to inhale and I got a wonderful buzz. He refused to work and my financial stress was huge. My mom was crying everyday that she was afraid to lose the house and I felt like my whole world was crashing down. I was also in college and stressed by exams. I smoked a lot at first to get the buzz which was the only thing that relaxed me. Soon I was up to a pack a day. I ended up divorcing again and after a few years things got very abusive at home so I ended up homeless. A kind man took me in. He smokes. He has a smoking fetish and loved to watch me smoke. For two years now he has bought me cigarettes, partly with my contribution to our living expenses. Taxes have gotten higher and higher. We buy on the reservation so a pack costs me about 3.50. I smoked more and more to deal with various stresses and because I just enjoy it. My fiance only smokes when he drives or when he is having sex, maybe 10 cigarettes a day at most. I am up to over 40 cigarettes a day. When I run out I raid his cigars. He told me they don't really have nicotine in them and are not addictive and I beleived him. He is a brilliant scientist and showed me the chemical make up of cigarettes on line and told me of the propaganda involving the dangers of nicotine. But I am definitely addicted and my cough has become horrible. I cough so much and then get really dizzy and my breathing is bad. I am more tired and can't get all the housework done or even manage a walk around the block. I told him tonight that they may not have nicotine but they have something bad in them and what I have is an addiction, not a habit. The other day I prayed to stop and I crushed an entire pack to bits and threw it away. I didn't smoke all day and then I smoked a pack that night and two the next day. Today I smoked a pack. I am working on the next pack. It is embarrassing. I hate myself for lack of self-control. I looked up quitting smoking on line and came across info and testimonies from people who developed lung cancer, and people whose whole families died of lung cancer. This is scary. I want a long life. I am in love with my fiance and we want to marry in December and then work on having a baby. I read that nicotine is very bad for the baby. It gets into breast milk and is very harmful, poisonous. So I called a hotline and they are sending me two weeks free of the nicotine patch, 21 mg. After that if I still have cravings I can buy the patch from the drug store. The hotline is available for coaching too. they gave me a good idea. Keep a bottle of water or diet soda with a straw. Everytime I want to put something to my mouth, take a sip from the straw. I really beleive this will help me break the habit aspect and the patch will help me break the addiction. I had to come to the conclusion that  cigarette smoking is killing me and that I can't fight it by will power alone. Receptors in the brain cause the craving. They die out little by little when you quit or cut down. I don't know why cigarettes do not affect my fiance this way, but he is addicted to alcohol. He knows what an addiction is and is supportive of me quitting as I am supportive of him stopping drinking. I was addicted to alcohol and worked the 12 steps of aa and prayed and then suddenly I couldn't swallow a sip without vomiting. It was a miracle. I have not been drunk or drank more than one beer in a year, thank God. Now I am trying to overcome cigarette addiction with God's help and I feel he lead me to this helpline. I'm going to try the sipping from a straw and then just lighting an insense and watching it burn with my coffee instead of having a cigarette. I can watch an insence burn after a meal too, and after or during sex. wish me luck and please pray for me and if you have any helpful advice please leave it and I will take it into consideration. Good luck to all the other smokers trying to quit. I will pray for you as I pray for myself. I calculated that if I quit I will save over 2,500 dollars a year and can buy a used car. Yay!!!Thanks for reading!:) Peace and blessings!:):)