I Want To Re-trace How This Happened
Today I was thinking about this real jerk. Remembering about things I have done in my past, I began to wonder if I was as bad. I concluded I was not, but what I found was interesting and I wanted to retrace how the bleep it coulda been allowed to occur.
What had happened was that I got very very angry at a woman I knew because I felt she was nice to me but only when nobody else was around... This was an incident which happened in it's entirity several years ago...
The whole thing seems sort of rediculous and hard for me to understand now, but largely that's only because of massively lifechanging events that have occurred in the meanwhile. You gotta go back in time to know why something like this could upset me so much...
The first thing you need to know is that I am a nerd and was made fun all through school for being different. Finding friends and girls has always been a problem for me. Largely this is from two reasons: 1) cause I do not care about the most popular hobbies and interests there are, and 2) Not having had a lot of friends in the past has cost me experience I need to make and keep new ones. In some ways, of you start out behind, it guarantees that you _STAY 'BEHIND'_.
In the late 90's there was a huge "trend" or movement in my life which continued right up until recently.
To summarize, this model was taken (many were considered throughout the painfulness of not having friends due to the nerd issue): (basically) "Some people are predisposed to like/tolerate us and others are predisposed to not. Rather than try to change to please those who are not, you go to/move to the places where those who _are_ exist and try to find them there". This was such a smash-hit successful attempt to model the 'physics' of the problem and how to go about solving such that is still used in my life _now_.
The pursuit of this caused me to move a major metropolitan area where things immediately improved. People who are likely to like nerds are more locatable in cities. Still the process of finding such people had it's ups and downs. Some cities work better for some nerds than others, among other things...
Therefore every such person that could be found MATTERED. Gaining one was something to be celebrated, and losing one was cause for alarm.
So I found this woman and was delighted. I think I originally had a little tiny bit of a crush on her... Later I found she was married, but since this wasn't the first married friend or person I had/encountered, I don't think this was a problem--- I just stopped considering her "for that purpose" and looked forward to a friendship with her. Also another friend of mine spoke very highly of her...
The fact I really loved her name probably didn't help matters (still do in fact).
When I began to notice that she was only nice to me in settings where other people were not around, it was beginning to become clear to me that I had made the wrong call about this person... It's painful to admit you're wrong about someone I suppose... and again... every such person like this mattered back then... She was one of like 4 (that were female) where I knew her from, so that was like losing a tire on a car while driving down the road, or losing a prop on a C-130 while flying cargo through the air...
A few years later, events would change forever. People actually like me were found and not just those who "tolerated my nerdiness". Which would you "rather have"? People who accept you despite the fact you are different than them, or people who accept you because you are like them?
This changed everything, and this pursuit of such people basically stopped. You could say that they sorta became far less important. I really wouldn't care that much about an incident with an identical person _TODAY_, but back then it seemed to be a really big deal. Today you'd have to be in consideration as a best friend or beloved to cause a splash like that.... Not back then.
For losing someone or something to cause grief, that someone or something must be "important". Back then, she was. She coulda represented as much as 25% of what was important in my life. 25% causes a splash. 5% doesn't. Today she would represent perhaps 5% of that's important. Nobody would care.
