Live, Not Regret.

I tend to spend a lot of time on my own and don't really do much.  When I have the time, I choose to spend it alone.  When I don't have places where I need to be, I choose to stay in my room. 

I need to be forced out of my room.  I don't think I can do it on my own.  I hospitalized myself once and at one point wasn't allowed in my room without a nurse.  I couldn't stop having to fight the desire to be in my room, but had soo much fun (I know that sounds weird, but it was like I was the life of the place.  It's so much easier to be like that when it's obvious that no one will judge you and you don't care what people think.)  I need someone to do that for me in 'real' life.

I want to have friends that I can do stuff with and go places with.  I've had a very small taste of that, but still, I want to *really* live.  I feel like I missed out on a lot of stuff and time just keeps going, taking opportunities away.  I look at what my younger sister has done with her years in college so far and am extremely jealous.  She has an ideal social life, she lives.  It makes me regret not doing things that she has done.  I kinda regret not joining a sorority, I don't know if I would be capable of meshing with one tho, (be accepted.)  And being content with always hiding my dark side.  She gets to wear all these dresses, like for formal.  She's gone to places and gone on cruises with her friends.  She makes friends with people that would/could do that.  She's studying abroad soon and takes initiative.

The best years of my life were in high school.  Everything since kinda sucks.  Even then, I didn't live as much and do the things I want to have done.  I didn't appreciate it as much as I wish I had.  I didn't learn the right things (like socially, etc) that I should have.  That would give me more confidence. 

I graduate from college soon, and have never really done the college kid kinda thing.  I've partied, gone to clubs (alcohol is key for both,) but I've never gotten to do the whole pregame thing or go to football games, or the right king of parties, etc.  My school is known for celebrating Halloween, and I've never really done that completely right either. 

I've never had a bunch of friends, or the right friends.  I love the friends I have and had but I wish I'd been a part of other crowds more.  I wish I had several girlfriends that I could go out and party with and have the right opportunity to meet new people. 

On the other hand, I wish I'd expressed myself more/better.  Had the courage to do things differently.  To not fit in at all if that's how it happened to work out.

I have soo many regrets.  I want to *really* live and stop adding on more regrets.

[Whenever I say 'right' I'm referring to what I want, not basing it off of other people's standards.]

DeepestSecret DeepestSecret
22-25, F
Mar 13, 2010