On The Verge Of Recovering

I am also the author of "Sleepove Nightmare," and as I am going through therapy and the recovery process, I am beginning to see exactly how dysfunctional my relationships have been with other people, my own father, and other males in my life. I thought I would take time and post these things on here. I must warn you this is graphic and disturbing yet must be shared exactly as it happened in order to help me in moving on.

1. The first incident that I can clearly remember was after my father gave me a bath. He began to touch all over my genitals saying that he was "checking them." Even to this day, this thought disturbs me, I don't know for sure what his true intentions were, but I don't think that is normal for a father to do, I always thought that was the doctor's job (if it was necessary when I was 4).

2. Next, I remember the sleepover nightmare I wrote about in which my underwear were constantly pulled down by my older male peers and my penis was fondled, and I was forced all night to go through the humiliation. At one point they even began to insert things into my anus and thought that was funny.

3. I had an uncle who liked to play around. One occasion, he deided that it would be funny to pour freezing ice water inside of my underwear and I was stuck wearing wet draws all evening and I believe he was enjoying seeing me in that state as he made sure to stay close by where I was so I could not get anywhere to change them.

4. At a church retreat, I was one of the younger males in my cabin and it was no secret that I was not as strong as many of my male peers. This one boy about my age decided that it would be fun each time I was drifting off to sleep to pull out my penis and just sit there squeezing it as long as he could. Once he got it hard he decided to jerk it off. This was my 1st experience with an *********** and once it happened, I began to go down a path of seeking out those kind of experiences.

5. My brother and I (we are 2 years apart, him being older) began to play these games then with eachother under the guise of having to perform an act if we messed up. (Ex. We once played catch and the loser had to lick the testicles and buttcrack of the one who won). Games like this became more and more frequent escpecially when my parents were not home, unbeknownst to them.

6. Next, I remember we had two cousins who were both a year younger than me and 3 years younger than him and we introduced them to those types of games. When we would ask our parents if we could go over there, we really had the plans set in motion and our parents and their parents never suspected anything.

7. Throughout high school, there was a cousin who was the same age as me. He would ask me to come over and tutor him since I was a straight A student. When I got there he really had other intentions (He was present at the sleepover). He would feel me up and jerk me off, then ask me to suck his penis and have sex with him.

8. When I got to college, the cycle somewhat continued.

9. I stopped my sophomore year and came to a place where I was tired of this and had to seek help. I started by confiding that I had been molested to a friend who is now my fraternity brother and some of our other brothers. I expected to be judged, but one of the brothers reached out and hugged me and told me that he had too and the other brothers came around me and were telling me to just let it out as we were here to help one another. I must have cried for at least an hour straight and my frat brother simply hugged me through it until I was able to get it together.

10. When I returned from the retreat, I went to the campus counselor who worked with me on my problems and I even found solace in a support group that had people in it who had experienced what I experienced.

11. A few months after that, I had my first normal sex encounter with a woman. I didn't know what to expect, but I enjoyed it. After that, I began having sexual relationships with women. Initially, I felt like the feelings for the same sex would never go away and that I would be bisexual. However, I am getting to the place in my life where I am realizing that healing is possible and complete healing.

* If you are reading this story, please know that you are not alone in wanting to recover. It is a process and nothing can expedite it, you must go through the night in order to make it to the better days ahead.

* Please let me know if this has helped you at all in the comment section.
disciple07 disciple07
1 Response Jul 28, 2010

You are a very brave man , I hope things will continue to get better in your path to recovery from the painful past! <br />
<br />
sending love from Canada :)