Waiting For Validation..i
I was 4 years old when it started. My cousin who was 10 years older than me used to take care of me after school. I used to be really excited when I saw him. I always felt happy, it was like the events from the day before had been erased and I would start again.
It was the same routine. I would wait for him to get home, he would joke around with me. We would go up to his room because he had to change out of his uniform, and then it would happen.
Some how I knew the drill. Lie on the bed, and turn my head, and don't ever tell anyone. He proceeded to do what he needed to do to me. I was rocked back and forth on that bed. I detached in those moments. I would focus on a stamp collection or a sticker album. And then it would be over. Even till today I can't recall how it felt. I didn't feel any pleasure or pain, my mind totally detached. After it was over I was back to 'me". We would be normal.
That is until I said something one day while my mom was giving my brother and I a bath. I mentioned something about his penis, I assume. My mom found this weird and questioned me. I don't know what I said but I mentioned that cousin's name. My grandfather was told about the situation. My cousin was chased around the house with a cutlass (large knife). But as this was all going on I stood there in our living room alone. The world was swirling for me.
I felt guilty. I knew something was wrong and I felt I had done something wrong. I wasn't hit or punished but the way my family reacted I felt so guilty. I felt like I was half to blame, that I participated in this heinous crime.
A few years ago I had a semi flashback..I was shaking and all I kept saying was "I don't want to". That was the first time I realized that I was in pain. Before I shrugged off the molestation. I avoided thinking about it and I tried to forget it. I would remember it every few years and I would feel so horrible, so bad, so dirty, inferior, just plain ugly. I thought God was punishing me. I thought it was the reason I didn't have a boyfriend-why would any man want me, I was dirty. I spent most of my life thinking I was so innocent. I wanted desperately to be innocent. I tried to convince myself that I was molested so long ago that it wasn't me anymore-those cells had died. Yet, with all that repression it would come out. It came out one night to my friends after I had drank too much. I said I was molested and that I was dead inside. DEAD INSIDE! I felt nothing in myself.
It didn't help that my family was very critical, physically abusive, and didn't ask me if I was ok after finding out I was molested. They instead pretended it never happened. I thought I had screwed up so royally that they could see how bad I was.
Years later at the age of 8 that same cousin lived with my family for a year. My parents would let us visit this cousin alone. The only thing my dad said was "Be careful". Be careful- when I heard that I felt like all the responsibility was put on me. My cousin never got a talking to. He was allowed back into our lives. Yet no one ever spoke of it. It felt like he was accepted and I was not. I looked at almost everything in my life as a punishment. Maybe because I felt I had done something so wrong that I needed to be punished. I let my parents walk all over me. I felt like I couldn't be in control of anything. I wasn't as beautiful as my sister, I was always the slouchy, pathetic, anal sibling. I was always so serious. I was so angry with myself. I hated myself and I saw it in everything.
I am not naive. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. It probably intensified what I was going through at the time.
Two years ago I tried telling my dad what had happened. I always knew my parents knew, but today I wonder really did they think that my cousin exposed himself to me or do they know he rubbed himself on me? My dad's response was "You wait 20 years to tell me this happened, what do you want me to do?"
This was not the reaction I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear "That bastard, I will make him pay!" . I wanted to hear emotion. I wanted to hear that he understood that I was in pain, that it hurt me. I wanted to know I wasn't bad, inferior, dirty, or damaged goods. I also really wanted someone to stand up and protect me because I never felt I was in this situation.
Essentially I want to be validated for my experience. I want that validation. I wish I could validate myself and that would be that but I can't. Perhaps I have opened up to the wrong people in the past. Most people say "yeah that's bad" but nothing beyond that. I know I feel like I can't let it affect me but it was horrible and the truth is it does affect me. I want a reaction, not a pacifying answer.
Thats the problem. I don't want it to affect me.