Here Again

Hi, I last wrote here a couple of weeks ago explaining my situation. I have to thank the two people who commented, i really aporeciate it. I fancy writing today, I hope nobody gets tired!

I just wanted to say I have been doing a lot of research about this illness. I have read books and am doing a lot of talking wit my psychologist, who is helping be big time. I think us girls who fall into bulimia and anorexia have a bigger problem than just vomiting after binge eating: we are too hard on ourselves. So hard. We look fo acception, or even more, admiration. I want everyone to admire me and to say how great I look, how good I dance, how intellgient I am, how god damn beautiful I am. And if i get anything less, it is the same as failure. If I am just doing ok inm my studies, I'm fine with my dancing and are quite attractive, like normal people, well, no, like everyone in the world, it is not enough.

Because we actually believe everything that is thrown at our face. We don't just look at adverts, we believe them. We believe Kate Moss as no cellullite and that Halle Berry's smile and boobs are just perfect. And the worst thing is that we believe and accept that's just the way things are. When beauty most certainly does not rely on perfect and impossible body lines, curves (or not curves) perfect teeth, smile, hair and even nails. We believe life will just be happier if we looked just like Barbie. And even though I am writing this, I also have trouble ditching all these lies. Because doing so will leave me with nothig. And it is that little "Yes, but if only I lost a couple.." which makes my life HELL. I want to be Laetitia Casta, and Bar Refaeli, Penelope Cruz and Giselle Bündchen. If they can, why can't I? But that's just not the problem. Yes there will always be stunning looking women. yes I must accept there are always going to be hotter girls than me. But, so what? Is that reallt the most important thing? Most certainly not.

And the problem is, even if everyone should tell me every day, even though I saw it written on every wall, I will never cure myself until I actually believe it. That is where the seriousness of the illness relies: it is a complicated mental disorder because we have convinced ourselves into living a life, a reality that is fake for our human being condition. It isn't real, even though, unfortunately, it is veryy convenient for some dirty rich with no moral whatsoever for us to believe it. Who if not would buy designer skinny ***** clothes? Or super expensive miracoulous make-up? Or anticellulite draining disgusting juices?

I feel like us girls (and boys) have been dragged into a huge trap, a descending spiral that has publicity on one side, showing luxurious life styles and the constant "obligation" of normal people like us to live that life, look like that and also cook, eat, sleep 8 hours, work, study, look after children, pay tax, pay morgatge, do sport, drink tons of water, dance good, go out, look good, buy new clothes, do hundreds of things at a time and still, remain beauty goddess and act like it is all natural.

But I think this is all too big to think will you are deciding to puke or not, kneeled down in front of a toilette seat. What I do is obviously try not to get there. I write a diary of all the food I eat, how I'm feeling and a really good thing is to wrtite down all your feelings when you feel like you are in the need to binge eat and be sick. Write for twenty minutes, and I assur yiou all impulse will go away. If you still want to eat, it may be because you are actually hungry. so have a sanck, a sandwich cereals or fruit. i don't know...because everyone is so different in their own way, and what may work for me might not work for somebody else.

Get help. Honestly. Anorexia is not a way of life. Bulimia isn't either. I know what it is. And I also know that if someone comes up and tells you "you are sick, get help" my reaction before would be to think that the only thing that person wants is to fatten me up. That the who is wrong is that person. But bulimia and anorexia are something stuck i our mind, like a plague, they are not us. We are not them. Yu can not live a life with them. so therefore, I always think "Whatever doesn't let you live, is a lie".

carmenjean carmenjean
5 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Thank you for writing this.

So beautiful and so true,every word of it!!! you are suchh a strong person keep it up !!!!!!!!! you inspired so many people

You are strong. And you have the attitude to survive. Best wishes!

Thank you.

What a touching story. Stay strong and fight your illness. You'll be better for it! :-)