Letter To Her

Stage 3 cancer isn't easy. They way you broke it to me was like you were some mafia woman. The lights were out, and the blinds were slightly open allowing the sun to hit your face in such a way. All that was missing was a large cigar and a pimp cane. You could have been a mafia pimp. But you managed to bring it all together, bring it back to reality and tell me that you were dying.
" Jujalee, I have cancer, and I'm dying." Just like that. Said so normally. And subsequently, tears rushed and I lost my breath.

I want to firstly apologize for not being your rock at the moment. You have always been a source of strength for me. I fell apart so quickly, you pulled the last jenga piece and I toppled over my own selfish emotions, because I love you. I wasn't supposed to do that. And I wasn't supposed to cry into your shoulder today after I heard you screamed out loud, "What am I going to do?!?!"

I have not been a great help of any sort. Here I am thinking I'm all high and mighty like... oooh look at me, I can make people feel better yeah-- until life hands them a situation of helplessness. Helpless. That's how I feel when I think of you.

It's not the idea of death that troubles me, because we are all going to die. It is the way in which the death may occur. The way in which it may ***** you of your human dignity before you leave this world. It is the fact that every positive statistic you bring forth is much like a mask of the truth we both understand. Radiation and Chemotherapy will not be the most pleasant feeling. I just wish I could wrap my arms around you and take you away from the fibers that are inside you, attacking you, killing you. But I can't.

I don't think I have told you enough times, but I love you. I love you.

You have been my rock for years. My stability. And now, you are slipping away. Maybe I should turn on my positive angry voice and yell, " You'll get through this! You'll beat it!" but how hypocritical of me to say such a thing, with tears in my eyes and shivers all over my body.

I love you. I am here for you. I will stand by you with every path you take, as I always have.

Jujalee Jujalee
4 Responses May 5, 2012

thank you for your support everyone. I'm going to try my hardest not to do my Jujalee thing which is distancing myself from her because of the selfish fear of losing her. How selfish I'd be if I actually did that to her. I'll stay by her... through it all.

Just don't stay there ALL Your free time. You need some breaks to relax too.

You can't fail at being supportive when You are present and have good motivation and feelings towards Her. It's basically all that's needed. There's no ultra-super-special secret way. Being there as You is enough. If She wants to talk about something or do something, She'll tell You. If She'll just want to stay in silence for the moment, that's what She needs too. Don't overanalyze it too much.

I'm sorry. What You can do, is be there for Her. That's a lot.

thank you bluezy. I feel like I'm failing miserably at being supportive, or what I'm capable of being

I'm sorry to hear that, my friend, sometimes life feels so unfair. It's the tragedy of it that should inspire us to care more about each other.

that's a good way of thinking about it. I won't wait to show someone how much I love him/her. Not that I did before, but life isn't so grand when it's based on fear.

don't know what to say. but I wanted you to know I read it, and just remember as you support those who need your support there are those who are here to support you. I am one of those, whether you ever lean on me or not, know I am there.

thank you, coppers. That means a lot to me. On Saturday I was a mess which should hold my emotions hostage until about 2 weeks or when I see her condition worsening.