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I Am A Post-op Transsexual Woman And I Regret Having Surgery

and I want to change things for the better.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but I always knew grew up that I wanted to be female. I finally got started on transitioning right out of undergraduate college when I was 22. I did all the "right stuff". Hormones. Electrolysis to remove my facial hair. Voice training. Surgery on my face. I guess I'm lucky from the point of view that 9 years later I pass just fine. I went back to school later and got my master's degree and now I'm a professor at a community college. No one knows me as anything other than a female.

That said, 4 years ago I feel like I ruined my life. I had the "big surgery" that everyone thinks about. I regret it so much and I didn't even get a bad result. I don't know why I want to have a penis because I do feel like a woman and not a man. I've talked to other transwomen online. I've talked to a therapist. The therapist was nice and she did try to help me somewhat in finding a doctor who would help "fix me up" but she couldn't. She even asked WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) and they weren't much help either.

For the most part, people have told me to just get over it. I refuse to just get over it. That's why my name is "wonttakenoforananswer". I want a surgeon to do SOMETHING that is better than what I have now. I refuse to believe there is NOTHING that can be done. And as a disclaimer it's not about sex or fetishes or anything like that. Of course my sex life is a small part of that but it's more of a body image thing like I'm missing part of my foot or whatever. It's just "not me" to have a vagina instead of a penis. I don't feel whole.

So far in my research (as I've scoured the internet) there are basically three options:

1. Get a surgery like a female to male transsexual gets. It's not perfect but again I feel that it would at least be better than what I have now (nothing). I've contacted some of the more well known surgeons about this and they've either said no or just not responded. This is also not functionally perfect.

2. Getting a lab grown penis. This would obviously be perfect and it seems like we're getting close to being able to do it (google "Anthony Atala" and "penis" and you'll see it's been done with rabbits). I've even talked to his secretary and they're real nice about it but it's just not available yet. I don't want to just keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something that may never happen. If it does, great.

3. Get a penis transplant. I know they've been starting to do hand and face (non-essential organs) transplants in the past 5-10 years. Also a penis transplant was done in China about 5 years ago and about 12 years ago a doctor in Italy asked permission to try it. I also know it's not perfect. There are immune suppressing drugs one must take - but I'm willing to make those sacrifices because honestly right now my quality of life sucks. This depresses me way too much.

So to end this: first, does anyone else feel this way? Second, can anyone help me find a doctor who might be willing to help me? Particularly with a transplant?
Wonttakenoforananswer Wonttakenoforananswer 26-30, T 43 Responses Jun 10, 2011

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You should have thought long and hard before having SRS, your fault.

Hi,
Remember that what you are going through is normal.
If you are a person who actually learns only through persona experiences, then until you have something like a penis again, you won't know how you will feel.
The point is, even if the penis makes you feel whole again as a woman, if you need the experience to know for sure, then that is not only okay for you but it is normal.
Researchers with the finest minds in the world are like that. They wait for the results, and do not jump to a conclusion before those results are in.
Researchers though still wonder until the experiment is done. A german girl has transitioned twice. That is only one person, she is not you. However it is something to Ponder. She only knew on her last transition, that she was correct.
...katerina..

I think everyone needs to leave her alone it is tough being a transgender, my girlfriend is trans, and I can understand this and anyone who bashes trolls or being cruel remember karma, and remember respect and manners do onto others as you want done to you and if you don't have anything nice to say say nothing at all

Wonttakenoforananswer, I want to send my heart out to you. I think you will be happy again and I think you will successfully reverse your gender reassignment. I think the criticism you have received here is misguided and I don't think you should let it hurt you, because people like me love you and want to hear how you've succeeded someday. It's not unreasonable that you regret the surgery. As trans girls, we too are all unique. We lie on a spectrum: some of us want to keep our penises and some of us do not. It is only natural, given the diversity that exists in biology, that this would be the case. It does not seem unreasonable to me that some people may make a mistake with SRS. But keep your hope, girl: just as there used to be no hormone treatment, no breast implants, no hair removal treatment and no acceptance of us in society, there has been a time where there has been no SRS reversal. But that will change, just as all those other things have. You have good, realistic options available to you now and more coming soon. Keep your chin up, girl, and remember that there will always be an answer. Love, Daniela

Hi. Can you add me to your circle?

I feel bad you cause you rush into penis surgery. It should had been reserved for those that really need it. this is the problem with srs, it isnt for everyone. it is only those that are desperate. were you suicidal before having srs? if no, then that why you want a penis back. you was a happy person and now you are sad. I just dont understand why you dont enjoy being a woman and no sex drive. you remind me of sam samantha charles who also regret and change back into a man. google it. i wish i could tell everyone about it so they dont make the same mistakes as you. If you like having the penis then you are a man period. this is what make us transgender and to live as the other gender role. I hated erection, it gave me headaches and drove me insane to the point of you know.. to get relief. i just hate it. what ya do when you get too horny and you dont like it? well. you try to get rid of it by fapping.. i lot of horny man does this and i just dont enjoy it. not for me. I dunno.. maybe most men dont fap to get relief no wonder so sex driven and cranky.. nobody like to talk about sex due to religion, it alway god this, god that. its ridiculous so we dont know much about sexuality and we are left to figure it ourselves. i dont enjoy being a man when i look at woman i would admire her beauty and grace and wish i had a body like that.

**** you. I am not like Charles or Samantha Kane and this is not about sex. I've read about him for a long time.

I was NEUTRAL about having a penis and I did not have a manly body and don't want one (other than 1 part).

Are you a man or a woman? Your answer will tell you the truth if you're honest with yourself! I look like a man, and my transition is on going! My penis is still there, but the HRT has made it basically a tool for urination only! I call it my **** now! But I know the penis must go, and I would do it right now if I had the money and letters. I love being me, for the first time in my life I am not hiding it. Yeah I get heckled, even was called A F-ing queer in front of my grandson last week. Took every ounce of energy to keep from helping this moron meet his maker! But I walked away and told my grandson not to listen to the idiots of this world. This is our life now, we accepted it, and we live it. I am a woman, just somehow I ended up in a mans body! Now I am empowered to take matters into my own hands, and I love it! I'm here for any transgender! We are special, and we deserve to be treated right!

the op believe having srs will make you a woman. many people who have srs do regret later cause it feel different then having a vagina or a penis. you are castrated and it look like a vagina but it dont function like one but more like a butchered version of a penis. this explain why this ops want it back cause it make you horny and give you great sex drive. still young and havent enough sex yet.. i suppose. most people cant live without sex, it an addiction even post op transwoman will regret after having the SRS done to their penis. as my aunt told me sex is everything when i point out to her about flies stuck to each other. me, i have fap off too much all my life and wish i was born female. I have no sympathy for people who regret srs then curse me out for having an opinion about it. ridiculous. they have a rights to whine about it why cant i do the same? this op even contradict himself by saying it not about sex. orly?

You sound like a man to me. you should have live as a man. you're are confused. indeed. oh well. not my problem. i dont appreciate you swearing at me thought with ****.. not nice.

Who are you talking to sam?

Ya sure. it not about the penis either. Roll eyes.

3 More Responses

Unfortunately, I doubt that anything you do will enable you to experience the feelings of your original penis. Once they remove it, you're never the same. Maybe you could adjust by wearing a "FtM" packy, though I know that might be difficult. Wish it were simple.

You need Jesus Christ! He is your creator. You need a HEART change. Not necessary a sex change.

The webs we weave, the lies, to shut the inner self up! I think before you mutilate gods perfect body, you should know this is a one way trip! Once the doctor cuts, nothing will be the same again. Scary thoughts and ideas. One day I too will make this journey, only I'm 55. I've known my penis for a long time, and to say good bye to it, is rough, however, to achieve your goal of inner peace, and content in being the best you, you can be. Everyone has their crosses to bare, and all of us transgenders know what we have to go through to get where we want to be. Becoming the gender you feel you really are, is a wonderful thing to do, but if you had any second thoughts, that should have told you to stop and take a breather, make sure you're doing the right thing. I don't know you, so I have no clue if what you did was right for you. I do know me, and I face my fears, I know my life could have been better IF I had listen to ME a long time ago, instead I lived the life everyone else wanted me to, raised my children, provided for my family, I did the best I could, and they all are adults on their own now. Having a hole and calling it a vagina doesn't make you a woman, you are, or you are not a woman inside. There isn't any gray area. I had a huge fight to admit it to myself, and face my fear and tell my family. Some agree, some disagree, but they all feel it is "MY CHOICE" in life to do what I want. I've made my mind up long ago. I'm happy with my choice. If you need a ear to listen, you can reach me here. God bless you, and I wish you well on your journey.

hugs
Rachael

Rachael, Would you mind e-mailing with me I really would like to talk to someone that could help me I'm really lost and have no support and am a parent as well I just don't know what to do. If you wouldn't mind I would really appreciate it..

Thanks :)
Kris

How can you regret srs? it isnt for sexual pleasure but for other reason. beside you were already impotent before the operation? at your age 31, male hormones from the testicles would interfere with your estrogen hormones so you grow beard, hair on your boobs, body hair. the penis is a curse for you and it the reason for your manly body. had you been born with a vulva, you would be a normal girl. nobody want to be born this way where you think like a woman and have the appearance of a man. it really sucks because the society doesn't care and judge you base on your appearance and your words are meaningless. i get call gay, homosexual for saying im a woman when they see me as a man on the outside. this is to me name calling and quite childish. i do not think cis woman enjoy sex at all, majority of them. and only have sex to have a baby. find pleasure in life other then sex itself which is unhealthy and lead to craving, addiction. You have no ideas what it like to be horny all the time and ********** many times a day for 42 year of my life and i could not get a date with any woman because im too much like a woman to have any relationship. to me it was torture, i did not enjoy it and i did it to relieve my crazy sex drive. is that what you want? why did you take hormones, face and boob surgery, and srs at such an early age?
btw these estrogen hormones are useless without reducing you testerone level which also lower you sex drive to rock bottom. to me being horny all the time and thinking about sex is hell. i was slave to it since my puberty hit me at 11 year of age. i would go to woman section in any store and would stare at her clothes and accessories and i could not stop looking. it just come naturally to me. i also love to stare at someone or something and can't stop this habit either. if you enjoy having penis. you should just dress as a woman but never take any hormones and surgery as well. you would be a cross dresser.

You are one mixed up lady, did you not see a counseller for at least 12 months prior to having SRS they would have picked that up in no time and you would not have been given the document to have the surgery, in my country (Australia) this would not have happened.

Or they wouldn't have. Some, like the therapist I saw for over 4 years in my transition, are invested in the idea that transition requires SRS. I hid my true feelings for years because I knew getting HRT and needed support in other areas of my transition depended on it.

I am transgendered I want to be a woman my whole life I'll be glad to let you have my penis if you give me your vagina

You have been a woman your whole life SRS just make you look like a woman between the leg nothing more. it has no sexual drive. because no ovaries or uterus. it just a sterile version of a woman reproductive organ. understand we do this to wear bikini and have name change, and gender change for legal purpose only. also castration, the testes are removed on both side that help a lot to feminize your body as the estrogen pills are much more effective. no more poison male stuff in your body! good riddance to male reproductive organ. i hate being a man. my desire to be a woman come from my brain. not my fantasy like most who regret srs later in life because you have to enjoy life more and sexless. Hey, its better to wait years later then to rush into SRS so that you dont regret later just to make sure. wise one? yeah. patience is virtue. It not you going to die now if you dont get it right away. better late then never. there is more to life then sex, enjoy your life. be happy. stop thinking about sex all the time. oh wait. the penis make you think about sex all the time. so get rid of it if you hate being sex driven all the time. Get on HRT, hormones that will pretty much destroy your sex life for many years.. Do not get SRS and then get on hormones. alway take hormones first then srs many years later. that the mistakes most people make and doctor are the one that help people make this mistakes they dont help us make wise decision. it just their rushing someone to get surgery to make lot of money. Greedy. very greedy.

im going to be unsympathetic to you. you should have thought of it before you went to operation. there some choice that come with irreversible consequences. you made the conscious decision to have the MtF gender reassignment operation of removing your penis for good permanently. You were given this knowledge, warned of resulting consequences and you signed consent form. Now you've got to live with that irreversible consequence of the conscious, informed choice you made. Try finding happiness in other ways and learn to live with your body. People who get their legs amputated or become blind learn to live with their new body. They didn't even have a choice. They were ill or had life changing injury in accidents. You had a choice to do it or not and you made the choice you did. Learn from it and find your happiness with what you've got. Else you may become one of those self-suppressing people who may NEVER be satisfied no matter how great what you have in your life is.v Don't be one of them. Be wise and at peace with yourself.

Why would I not have a phalloplasty when there is the option to do so?

Well said she would have known all this prior to SRS.

Some of us were rail-roaded by doctors and therapists who held the view that if you don't want SRS you have no business transitioning or having HRT, and lived in areas where there weren't other choices.

A lot of professionals who deal with transition buy into the notion that all trans people want SRS and try to sell a rosy view of the results. I have no doubt that it's that great for their clients and patients who want it, but it becomes a hard sell to those who don't - either have SRS or lose HRT, for example.

In order to get HRT and support in social transition I had to bury my doubts about SRS so deeply that I was unaware they existed anymore until it was a done deal.

My Fiance is what I call a preop- trans. I love all of this person with my heart. I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her. (As a rule in my expression of our experience I will refer to "my Love" as he, birth initially dictated this). There are times he likes to enjoy his maleness, there are times when he revels in being very girly. I enjoy all the typical relationship joys/ growths. He is slowly enjoying the ability to express his female side more publicly as of late. I enjoy it with him. While our sexual relationship is, but, one aspect of our relationship- it's one that we connect on every level with. I have always viewed a healthy sexual connection as another form of communication. We communicate on a variety of levels VERY well. I am completely comfortable as my Love dressing, when a direct need to express his femaleness arises. I also love his maleness. I fell in love with both. So to be honest, when he expresses the possibility of GRS- I would miss a very equal/ large part of him ( no pun intended) part of him. I have accepted all of him. I feel like society still forces people into a very specific box- Where is the term multi-gendered? Why should my Love/ he be forced to remove his penis/ self-mutilate to feel closer to one gender than another, when he is clearly both? If our sex organs do not clearly define who we are- why are we holding out the theory that we must formally align with one sex more than another? There tends to be a lot of pushing only the positive outcomes of GRS- no one really wants to discuss the very real & serious side effects of major surgery. I for one, see this post, and subsequent replies as the most realistic and true possibilities of medical procedures are not guaranteed. I think that in our society we over-simplify and glamorize something that is more complicated than surgery or life-long pill regimens. Sometimes for some- GRS is a quick fix to a much more complicated situation. There are those of us who are willing to take the time, do the emotional work and invest the on-going, deep and sometimes exhausting conversations and soul searching to help our loved ones accept their bi-identities. Why should those of us willing to do this be punished by being told we must shove or guide our loved ones into "a sex?" I am willing to admit I love my Love WHOLLY. As complex as this is .... the more time and love and energy we cultivate together- it just seems natural to do this. I don't want him hacking or adding anything to him. He is perfect. And when he feels like he wants to express she - I've already accepted that too.

You fit into the umbrella of transgender

But you were never a transsexual if you feel "not whole" now while you're post op..

U should have done more soul searching.. you only have yourself to blame.

No **** sherlock.

All I can do going forward is fix it though - ie hope that phalloplasty does not fail again.

I wanted to thank you for posting your story.

I am going to be starting the early stages of transitioning soon and have been worried about my desire to keep my penis. I have questioned my gender and wanted to be female since I was a young kid, but had put it off for various reasons until now (Currently 33). I decided I didn't want SRS and if I have the money I rather spend it towards other things like FFS. I want an Orchiectomy at some point so my body will stop producing testosterone, but don't want to get rid of my penis. I've been scared to tell others of this fearing how they will react, but hearing of what you have had to go through reaffirms my decision.

I almost started transitioning years ago but my understanding was SRS was required to get your gender identifiers legally changed. That combined with fear and doubt put me off from doing it.

I'm sorry I can't offer anything but my sympathies for what you have had to go through. I thank you again for this post as it has helped me be sure in my decision.

Take care.

What a load of crap kevwilliams61.

My ****** didn't change sensation wise. I am utterly convinced I have a female brain too, I never liked being treated as a man but growing up with a penis for 25 years and then going to a vagina just wasn't for me.

only you know yourself. nobody can convince you if you are male or female. you are taken by the **** industry. a friend of mine who is 34 is addicted to **** and can't stop looking at it everyday. there is nothing good about it my friend, life is so much better when you have more time and energy to do something else then this perverted hobby which is seen as normal by some people in life. going to vagina wasn't right for you? you think that woman are more sexually driven then men? lol. you still got a lot to learn. male hormones are stronger and are usually much more sexually active. what i do notice is that men like to work hard and are impulsive. while woman like to relax and do easy stuff like chat and relaxing. you went for srs thinking that your sex life would be awesome due to misconception that woman have better sex then men. this is coming from woman who never knew what it like to be a man but we do because we have live it.. ha.

so much censorship. unnecessary. it time to spend my time elsewhere. this website sucks. bye.

you should get a penis back and maybe try 2 cut off your fake boobs but if you couldnt your a man no matter what

I heard this story from my mum. her friend's daughter went through "transitioning" (i dont believe in "transitioning ****, its just a way to mutilate your body so that you look more like that person you thing you are) and she wasnt used to her mutilated body and was confused. In the end she regretted the surgery and now she just doesnt know if shes a woman or a man.

You should think HARD about getting immune suppressing drugs, seriously. A hand is something someone need. A jaw is nice but is it really worth the risk? A penis? Come on, it's something quite serious here: health.

I just want to see a picture of what you look like?

I'm a "genetic female" and I hate being classified as such. I'm a real woman. I wasn't carved out and made into one. I know that's mean to say but it true. Reading through this article and responses, have made me really appreciate the fact everything clicks. My brain and my vagina click. I'm extatic about everything on me. But why give up your penis? Why ? Why turn it into a fake vagina? I liked how someone said "replica" it's true. It's a replica and it does not function as a real vagina. In my opinion. Seeing some of those post op pics mtf ftm. They look awful and un-appealing. You made the choice to give up your ****. You were clearly adamant about it. So why regret now? Honestly stop trying to find other avenues to make yourself happy. Your now a "woman" so embrace that. Get over it. Stop hurting yourself more to try to get back what u had. You should of got therapy instead of surgery. Blast me with all the hateful comments you want. I just say what everyone else thinks. U wanted to be a woman so bad. Now you got it, live with it. I can guarantee you people are over you and ur **** vagina issues. I know I'm late but whatever. The grass isn't akways. greener on the other side. And don't write me about not knowing. I don't care who u are. It's called self esteem. Whoever made you (insert your belief here) knew what they were doing when they stuck that **** on you. Get over yourself and live life. There's more to it than just dicks and vagina. Xoxo

Cool story sis, but NO.

I'll go back or die trying.

I regret srs. And I'm angry about it. No one really told me I could be a nonop, a shemale. The push was on me for surgery. I was beautiful and young, and full of internalized homophobia and transphobia. And only after I tried conforming to everything my family and trans medical establishment wanted me to do and was miserable, I realized after 12 years postop that I am attracted to gay men. And now, transitioners don't need srs to change legal id's. I'm pissed as hell. I miss the ability to have an ******. No one sees what's between our legs. All I ever needed was hormones and ffs. I want my penis back. Srs is barbaric.

"I regret srs. And I'm angry about it. No one really told me I could be a nonop, a shemale. The push was on me for surgery. I was beautiful and young, and full of internalized homophobia and transphobia. "

"No one sees what's between our legs. All I ever needed was hormones and ffs. I want my penis back."

While I am not attracted to men, THIS x1000. I had internalized homophobia and transphobia, and screwed up views of sex (I was a virgin until 24, and even then only had sex with that one long term partner who I'm still with) before SRS. She is also trans.

I just hope round 2 attempt to get my **** back is a success - and while I know a lot of trans women find the word shemale offensive, it's basically what I want to be.

Update on me: I have begun presenting masculine for the first time in nearly 18 years. Of course, I really look like a beautiful androgynous person. I have decided to live as a male again, primarily because I love gay men and feel that's what I am sexually. And to those who are quick to say "you're not a TRUE transsexual", I was diagnosed as one. But the sex change industry, the truth? The REAL reason, in my opinion, for the 2-year "Real life experience" is that they (the medical profession) is upholding the gender binary. They push us toward "surgery" (mutilation) in a two year time frame because they don't want too many of us getting comfortable living as a woman with a penis. They are taking us from one gendered box to another and not allowing any in-between of gender identity or expression.
I also hate my breast implants and am getting them taken out. BUT - the decision to live as a woman for nearly 20 years I do not regret. My soul wanted to experience that, and at this point if I identify as anything, it's two-spirit. I like my short hair and boy's clothing. I even like my clitoris, now that it finally starting functioning properly after taking a testosterone cream. SRS had rendered me inorgasmic for years. What a sick ******* joke the medical $$ industry plays on us trans people. Even living as a male now, I still get read as female, but that doesn't bother me. I like exploring my long-neglected masculinity, and I had to make a choice: since living as a shemale is not an option, I had to think about what I could do to make myself attractive to gay men. That is where FTMs inspired me to realize, since so many of them are gay, that I have the option of working out, getting my fake plastic bags of saltwater removed from my chest, and cutting my hair to balance out my vagina. I lived and looked like a Brazilian supermodel for years, and it is actually refreshing to not present as hyperfeminine. I actually look like myself but 20 YEARS YOUNGER (!) from the estrogen, and I'm cuter than I have ever been. I can still leave the house presenting female if I choose. So, I'm dealing with this the best I can. I take inspiration from Josef Kirchner, but I wish I could love my vagina like he does, but I don't like mine. Intercourse has always been painful, and because I did colon resection instead of penile inversion, I can't even feel a penis inside me because membrane doesn't have feeling like skin does. But I'm coping as best I can and can't wait to get these implants out! And again, for anybody deriding any of us who either choose to live as our birth sex again or simply be a shemale, **** you. IF other trans women are bothered by our experiences, then it's touching a raw nerve inside of them! Love you!

why?

Hi AD!

Very good you're happy with your FFS!

My friend has become very reclusive and very embarrassed about his SRS regret, It try to help him, but almost to no avail.

He didn't and doesn't understand me. He thought it very strange and imposslble to be a woman with a penis (that's me)

Now he's deeply unhappy as a man with a vagina.

I'm new to this site, will try to find out how it exactly works and how to navigate...

How about your FFS? Who was your surgeon and you're happy with the results?

My FFS surgeon was Dr. Spiegel in Boston. Very, very happy with the results. Send me a private message here if your friend would like to talk to me still.

Oh, thank you for <3, now I see the meaning :-)

I'm new to this site and I'm Dutch....so pls ask to clarify if you don't understand....my English isn't that good, sorry.
No, I didn't have an orchi, I was on androcur for years, which is a chemical castration.
I'm currently on 1mg progynova, that's sufficient.

Sorry to hear about your misadventure and your worries about re-revision surgery..

I have a friend who is interested in your story because he want to have a penis again as well...

What does <3 mean?

Yes, I read your story about your surgery and your fysical adverse reactions to it...I'm so sorry, but thank god you'll have a second chance!

Btw: I'm completely stable mentally and people who know I'm non op don't bother me for that anymore.
They just accept me for who I am, including my MTF friends :-)

On the other hand...I'm completely healthy but thinking of old age and all kinds of fysical ailments, evt being hospitalised for whatever reasons worry me.

<3 is a heart. Like "I love you" in a friendly kinda way.

Yes I worry too about old age, even though I have a long way until I get there.

Can I ask did you ever have an orchie? I wish I had (well I had one during SRS, but I meant I wish I had an orchie only).

As far as I know though I only have a second chance to get the surgery I want. So I'm pretty scared at times. The graft was taken from my side/back (the latissimus dorsi). Since that (the left side) failed, they can try the right side next time - but if that fails I think I'm screwed. It gives the best of both words (good feeling/appearance/etc) with a hidden scar.

If the right side fails too, I either have to get the graft taken from the abdomen (also hidden scarring, but not as good feeling/appearance) or the forearm (good feeling/appearance, but obviously a massive effing scar that I can't hide without wearing long sleeves all year).

Hi Wonttakenoforananswer,

that's why I felt I should reply to your story in the first place. Sounds like me, minus the SRS.
I feel for you as very few people seem to understand what you mean.

<3

Well, I had a penis again. For two weeks. Until blood clots and necrosis *cry*.

I'm still recovering. I really hope I can get back for another phalloplasty attempt in December. I don't want to wait until May 2014.

Sorry to chime in...but I'm a non op, intending to stay non op and living and working as a female for over 25 years now.It doesn't bother me at all having a penis; I don't like it, I don't hate it, so why having invasive surgery? Besides that: I think I will feel incomplete post op, just as you describe.Anway, what I'd like to tell...is that I had a very though time with some friends, therapists, doctors, other transsexuals etc from the very moment I told them I wanted to stay non op.Some said I couldn't bear being an 'inbetweenie' and would jump at the opportunity to have SRS in a few years time....some said I was crazy to stay like this, some declared me a strange in between....and especially some post op MTF's went beserk and yelled agressively at me how sick in my head I was and quite a few told me I was insane. Because I look and act like a female but THEY couldn't stand the thought of me having a penisIt was scary, all those negative reactions and people even getting angry, like I'd insulted them personally!I managed to resist all of it deciding it was my body and my life and I'm the only one making decisions about that.But...I'm still here, stll non op, feeling ok about myself, no social problems whatever and....found out I'm mentally healthier than quite a few post ops know personally...tragic, but true.Then there are both pre and post op MTF who as soon as they know I'll remain non op..ask if I live as a male...but I look and act female!Those MTF judge me on having a penis even without having seen it!I've learned to ignore it, I just know having SRS will turn out disastrous for me.I personally know a few MTF post op regretters...who literally told me it is easy for me to revert to male because I didn't have SRS.They simply don't understand I would make a VERY strange man when I revert to being a male, that it's impossible, socially, fysically, mentally and I don't want to revert to being a male at all! Remaining non op causes it own problems....but I can handle that...my problems seem to be a walk in the park comparing to yours and ohdanigals!I wish you all the best!

Hey nonop,

Honestly, your view of your gender sounds EXACTLY like mine other than that I have surgery. I look and act 100% female. I haven't been called "he" or "boy" or "man" since I had my facial feminization surgery back in 2005!

I want a penis. Or wish I hadn't lost my penis. Or had SRS. Whatever. But I do not want to be a man!