I Am A Post-op Transsexual Woman And I Regret Having Surgery

and I want to change things for the better.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but I always knew grew up that I wanted to be female. I finally got started on transitioning right out of undergraduate college when I was 22. I did all the "right stuff". Hormones. Electrolysis to remove my facial hair. Voice training. Surgery on my face. I guess I'm lucky from the point of view that 9 years later I pass just fine. I went back to school later and got my master's degree and now I'm a professor at a community college. No one knows me as anything other than a female.

That said, 4 years ago I feel like I ruined my life. I had the "big surgery" that everyone thinks about. I regret it so much and I didn't even get a bad result. I don't know why I want to have a penis because I do feel like a woman and not a man. I've talked to other transwomen online. I've talked to a therapist. The therapist was nice and she did try to help me somewhat in finding a doctor who would help "fix me up" but she couldn't. She even asked WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) and they weren't much help either.

For the most part, people have told me to just get over it. I refuse to just get over it. That's why my name is "wonttakenoforananswer". I want a surgeon to do SOMETHING that is better than what I have now. I refuse to believe there is NOTHING that can be done. And as a disclaimer it's not about sex or fetishes or anything like that. Of course my sex life is a small part of that but it's more of a body image thing like I'm missing part of my foot or whatever. It's just "not me" to have a vagina instead of a penis. I don't feel whole.

So far in my research (as I've scoured the internet) there are basically three options:

1. Get a surgery like a female to male transsexual gets. It's not perfect but again I feel that it would at least be better than what I have now (nothing). I've contacted some of the more well known surgeons about this and they've either said no or just not responded. This is also not functionally perfect.

2. Getting a lab grown penis. This would obviously be perfect and it seems like we're getting close to being able to do it (google "Anthony Atala" and "penis" and you'll see it's been done with rabbits). I've even talked to his secretary and they're real nice about it but it's just not available yet. I don't want to just keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something that may never happen. If it does, great.

3. Get a penis transplant. I know they've been starting to do hand and face (non-essential organs) transplants in the past 5-10 years. Also a penis transplant was done in China about 5 years ago and about 12 years ago a doctor in Italy asked permission to try it. I also know it's not perfect. There are immune suppressing drugs one must take - but I'm willing to make those sacrifices because honestly right now my quality of life sucks. This depresses me way too much.

So to end this: first, does anyone else feel this way? Second, can anyone help me find a doctor who might be willing to help me? Particularly with a transplant?
Wonttakenoforananswer Wonttakenoforananswer 26-30, T 37 Responses Jun 10, 2011

Your Response


How can you regret srs? it isnt for sexual pleasure but for other reason. beside you were already impotent before the operation? at your age 31, male hormones from the testicles would interfere with your estrogen hormones so you grow beard, hair on your boobs, body hair. the penis is a curse for you and it the reason for your manly body. had you been born with a vulva, you would be a normal girl. nobody want to be born this way where you think like a woman and have the appearance of a man. it really sucks because the society doesn't care and judge you base on your appearance and your words are meaningless. i get call gay, homosexual for saying im a woman when they see me as a man on the outside. this is to me name calling and quite childish. i do not think cis woman enjoy sex at all, majority of them. and only have sex to have a baby. find pleasure in life other then sex itself which is unhealthy and lead to craving, addiction. You have no ideas what it like to be horny all the time and ********** many times a day for 42 year of my life and i could not get a date with any woman because im too much like a woman to have any relationship. to me it was torture, i did not enjoy it and i did it to relieve my crazy sex drive. is that what you want? why did you take hormones, face and boob surgery, and srs at such an early age?
btw these estrogen hormones are useless without reducing you testerone level which also lower you sex drive to rock bottom. to me being horny all the time and thinking about sex is hell. i was slave to it since my puberty hit me at 11 year of age. i would go to woman section in any store and would stare at her clothes and accessories and i could not stop looking. it just come naturally to me. i also love to stare at someone or something and can't stop this habit either. if you enjoy having penis. you should just dress as a woman but never take any hormones and surgery as well. you would be a cross dresser.

Speaking as someone that would rather die than spend a life without ever having SRS, I must say that I actually do pity you. This story is a very good example of what can happen to those that do not take the time to truly discover themselves, do their proper research and use money or other means to avoid jumping through the hoops that so many of us have to face in order to get this surgery. Sadly, all you can most likely do for now is live with your mistakes. On the bright side, at least the hormones that you take don't seem to cause you dysphoria as it would be quite unhealthy for you to stop taking them at this point. As dim as things may be for you right now, I really hope that you will be successful in getting the reversal and that it manages to bring you happiness.

Unfortunately, a lot of us endured years of gender therapy that was all about enforcing SRS as a requirement. I went through 19 years of it (including therapy hours every 3-4 weeks for over 4 years immediately before SRS,) getting jerked around on HRT access for ages, and learned to bury my true feelings about SRS so deeply that I actually believed I wanted it. Whenever my therapist or doctor had the slightest thought that I didn't want SRS their reaction was that I needed to go off of HRT and detransition. And these are medical and mental health professionals who have decades of experience treating trans people.

Even after SRS my doctors are content to let me run out of HRT as part of punishing my failure to keep with the standard narrative that SRS made me a woman and I'm so happy.

I will admit that I told my therapist a lie to get my surgery letter. Just one - I lied to her about what doctor was prescribing my HRT at the time. Had she known I went to a different endocrinologist than the one to whom she referred me she would have refused to write my letter on the basis that I was not receiving qualified medical supervision of my HRT (she held that the endo to whom she referred me was the only doctor capable of supervising HRT.)

I will not judge you but, something that I have learned is to always know more about yourself and your issues than your doctor does and if he or she is ignorant or not helpful then find someone more educated on the subject. This surgery is not something that you can afford to make any mistakes on. SRS is a last resort surgery only and shouldn't even be considered if you can comfortably live with your parts the way they are. If you are having troubles with your doctor and want or need hormones then you have two options. Either find a doctor that will treat you or else self medicate. If you choose the latter then I would highly recommend that you do your own lab testing as you definitely don't want to make any mistakes there.

I did find another, and did it again, then again...

I've had far more providers, both mental health and medical, in the course of my transition than most even approach (about 20 total.)

Additionally, there were other issues that made living as I was uncomfortable - that I could not get my ID updated without SRS (even my driver's license required it) and that lead me to a lot of problems with various authorities (I got some serious crap from police when they saw that after stopping me at driver's license expiration checkpoints.) Plus I was uncomfortable with the social situation of having a body that didn't fit when in gendered spaces like locker rooms.

Odd with how I actually need this surgery and the people I deal with all seem not to even care whether I have surgery or not or try and make it harder for me to get it. I have had to fight with the system tooth and nail just to get anything done and I have no problems appearance wise. Even my name change ended up costing me $785 and I still had the pleasure of being humiliated before an open court just to get that done. With the exception of hormones, everything else has been payed for 100% by me even though I hardly make anything and I don't even get so much as a support group. It seems to me like the people that don't really need SRS are getting the surgery while those that actually do need SRS aren't able to get it done either due to the ignorance of others or the insane costs involved -_-

"Odd with how I actually need this surgery and the people I deal with all seem not to even care whether I have surgery or not or try and make it harder for me to get it."

I have come to think that's the entire issue with a lot of the therapists and doctors - it's all about making it difficult, far more so than it needs to be. I know that my therapist (at least) felt that my transition had been too easy because I was very privileged when it came to job matters and I didn't let the loss of contact with family get to me too much (or, from her point of view, "enough" I guess.)

Why do you pity me?

Because you now seem to want your original genitalia back as much as some of us who have spent most of our lives wanting, hoping, wishing and preying for our genitalia to finally be correct. I guess that I feel a bit of pity as I am not a heartless monster that wishes for you to spend the rest of your life suffering what I have to suffer every day of mine.

<3 very sweet.

But I just wanted to say I felt every bit of dysphoria about other parts of my body and my social role before I transitioned too. I hated my face, not having breasts, etc. :(

Do to being trans/intersex, I also deal with other internal issues that makes having a lack of SRS crippling. I guess that what worries me most is that people will read stories like this and try and use it as a reason to tell me and others that getting the surgery would be nothing more than a cosmetic form of self mutilation and even try to pass laws to make SRS impossible. With how badly you seem to want yours back, I think it kind of points out that the dysphoria is real and not something that should ever be taken lightly by people.

I honestly hope that you are able to successfully obtain reparative surgery and that once your life a bit easier, you can find yourself a good middle ground where you can feel more comfortable with your body.

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You are one mixed up lady, did you not see a counseller for at least 12 months prior to having SRS they would have picked that up in no time and you would not have been given the document to have the surgery, in my country (Australia) this would not have happened.

Or they wouldn't have. Some, like the therapist I saw for over 4 years in my transition, are invested in the idea that transition requires SRS. I hid my true feelings for years because I knew getting HRT and needed support in other areas of my transition depended on it.

I am transgendered I want to be a woman my whole life I'll be glad to let you have my penis if you give me your vagina

im going to be unsympathetic to you. you should have thought of it before you went to operation. there some choice that come with irreversible consequences. you made the conscious decision to have the MtF gender reassignment operation of removing your penis for good permanently. You were given this knowledge, warned of resulting consequences and you signed consent form. Now you've got to live with that irreversible consequence of the conscious, informed choice you made. Try finding happiness in other ways and learn to live with your body. People who get their legs amputated or become blind learn to live with their new body. They didn't even have a choice. They were ill or had life changing injury in accidents. You had a choice to do it or not and you made the choice you did. Learn from it and find your happiness with what you've got. Else you may become one of those self-suppressing people who may NEVER be satisfied no matter how great what you have in your life is.v Don't be one of them. Be wise and at peace with yourself.

Why would I not have a phalloplasty when there is the option to do so?

Well said she would have known all this prior to SRS.

Some of us were rail-roaded by doctors and therapists who held the view that if you don't want SRS you have no business transitioning or having HRT, and lived in areas where there weren't other choices.

A lot of professionals who deal with transition buy into the notion that all trans people want SRS and try to sell a rosy view of the results. I have no doubt that it's that great for their clients and patients who want it, but it becomes a hard sell to those who don't - either have SRS or lose HRT, for example.

In order to get HRT and support in social transition I had to bury my doubts about SRS so deeply that I was unaware they existed anymore until it was a done deal.

My Fiance is what I call a preop- trans. I love all of this person with my heart. I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her. (As a rule in my expression of our experience I will refer to "my Love" as he, birth initially dictated this). There are times he likes to enjoy his maleness, there are times when he revels in being very girly. I enjoy all the typical relationship joys/ growths. He is slowly enjoying the ability to express his female side more publicly as of late. I enjoy it with him. While our sexual relationship is, but, one aspect of our relationship- it's one that we connect on every level with. I have always viewed a healthy sexual connection as another form of communication. We communicate on a variety of levels VERY well. I am completely comfortable as my Love dressing, when a direct need to express his femaleness arises. I also love his maleness. I fell in love with both. So to be honest, when he expresses the possibility of GRS- I would miss a very equal/ large part of him ( no pun intended) part of him. I have accepted all of him. I feel like society still forces people into a very specific box- Where is the term multi-gendered? Why should my Love/ he be forced to remove his penis/ self-mutilate to feel closer to one gender than another, when he is clearly both? If our sex organs do not clearly define who we are- why are we holding out the theory that we must formally align with one sex more than another? There tends to be a lot of pushing only the positive outcomes of GRS- no one really wants to discuss the very real & serious side effects of major surgery. I for one, see this post, and subsequent replies as the most realistic and true possibilities of medical procedures are not guaranteed. I think that in our society we over-simplify and glamorize something that is more complicated than surgery or life-long pill regimens. Sometimes for some- GRS is a quick fix to a much more complicated situation. There are those of us who are willing to take the time, do the emotional work and invest the on-going, deep and sometimes exhausting conversations and soul searching to help our loved ones accept their bi-identities. Why should those of us willing to do this be punished by being told we must shove or guide our loved ones into "a sex?" I am willing to admit I love my Love WHOLLY. As complex as this is .... the more time and love and energy we cultivate together- it just seems natural to do this. I don't want him hacking or adding anything to him. He is perfect. And when he feels like he wants to express she - I've already accepted that too.

You fit into the umbrella of transgender

But you were never a transsexual if you feel "not whole" now while you're post op..

U should have done more soul searching.. you only have yourself to blame.

No **** sherlock.

All I can do going forward is fix it though - ie hope that phalloplasty does not fail again.

I wanted to thank you for posting your story.

I am going to be starting the early stages of transitioning soon and have been worried about my desire to keep my penis. I have questioned my gender and wanted to be female since I was a young kid, but had put it off for various reasons until now (Currently 33). I decided I didn't want SRS and if I have the money I rather spend it towards other things like FFS. I want an Orchiectomy at some point so my body will stop producing testosterone, but don't want to get rid of my penis. I've been scared to tell others of this fearing how they will react, but hearing of what you have had to go through reaffirms my decision.

I almost started transitioning years ago but my understanding was SRS was required to get your gender identifiers legally changed. That combined with fear and doubt put me off from doing it.

I'm sorry I can't offer anything but my sympathies for what you have had to go through. I thank you again for this post as it has helped me be sure in my decision.

Take care.

What a load of crap kevwilliams61.

My ****** didn't change sensation wise. I am utterly convinced I have a female brain too, I never liked being treated as a man but growing up with a penis for 25 years and then going to a vagina just wasn't for me.

only you know yourself. nobody can convince you if you are male or female. you are taken by the **** industry. a friend of mine who is 34 is addicted to **** and can't stop looking at it everyday. there is nothing good about it my friend, life is so much better when you have more time and energy to do something else then this perverted hobby which is seen as normal by some people in life. going to vagina wasn't right for you? you think that woman are more sexually driven then men? lol. you still got a lot to learn. male hormones are stronger and are usually much more sexually active. what i do notice is that men like to work hard and are impulsive. while woman like to relax and do easy stuff like chat and relaxing. you went for srs thinking that your sex life would be awesome due to misconception that woman have better sex then men. this is coming from woman who never knew what it like to be a man but we do because we have live it.. ha.

so much censorship. unnecessary. it time to spend my time elsewhere. this website sucks. bye.

you should get a penis back and maybe try 2 cut off your fake boobs but if you couldnt your a man no matter what

I heard this story from my mum. her friend's daughter went through "transitioning" (i dont believe in "transitioning ****, its just a way to mutilate your body so that you look more like that person you thing you are) and she wasnt used to her mutilated body and was confused. In the end she regretted the surgery and now she just doesnt know if shes a woman or a man.

You should think HARD about getting immune suppressing drugs, seriously. A hand is something someone need. A jaw is nice but is it really worth the risk? A penis? Come on, it's something quite serious here: health.

I just want to see a picture of what you look like?

I'm a "genetic female" and I hate being classified as such. I'm a real woman. I wasn't carved out and made into one. I know that's mean to say but it true. Reading through this article and responses, have made me really appreciate the fact everything clicks. My brain and my vagina click. I'm extatic about everything on me. But why give up your penis? Why ? Why turn it into a fake vagina? I liked how someone said "replica" it's true. It's a replica and it does not function as a real vagina. In my opinion. Seeing some of those post op pics mtf ftm. They look awful and un-appealing. You made the choice to give up your ****. You were clearly adamant about it. So why regret now? Honestly stop trying to find other avenues to make yourself happy. Your now a "woman" so embrace that. Get over it. Stop hurting yourself more to try to get back what u had. You should of got therapy instead of surgery. Blast me with all the hateful comments you want. I just say what everyone else thinks. U wanted to be a woman so bad. Now you got it, live with it. I can guarantee you people are over you and ur **** vagina issues. I know I'm late but whatever. The grass isn't akways. greener on the other side. And don't write me about not knowing. I don't care who u are. It's called self esteem. Whoever made you (insert your belief here) knew what they were doing when they stuck that **** on you. Get over yourself and live life. There's more to it than just dicks and vagina. Xoxo

Cool story sis, but NO.

I'll go back or die trying.

I regret srs. And I'm angry about it. No one really told me I could be a nonop, a shemale. The push was on me for surgery. I was beautiful and young, and full of internalized homophobia and transphobia. And only after I tried conforming to everything my family and trans medical establishment wanted me to do and was miserable, I realized after 12 years postop that I am attracted to gay men. And now, transitioners don't need srs to change legal id's. I'm pissed as hell. I miss the ability to have an ******. No one sees what's between our legs. All I ever needed was hormones and ffs. I want my penis back. Srs is barbaric.

"I regret srs. And I'm angry about it. No one really told me I could be a nonop, a shemale. The push was on me for surgery. I was beautiful and young, and full of internalized homophobia and transphobia. "

"No one sees what's between our legs. All I ever needed was hormones and ffs. I want my penis back."

While I am not attracted to men, THIS x1000. I had internalized homophobia and transphobia, and screwed up views of sex (I was a virgin until 24, and even then only had sex with that one long term partner who I'm still with) before SRS. She is also trans.

I just hope round 2 attempt to get my **** back is a success - and while I know a lot of trans women find the word shemale offensive, it's basically what I want to be.

Update on me: I have begun presenting masculine for the first time in nearly 18 years. Of course, I really look like a beautiful androgynous person. I have decided to live as a male again, primarily because I love gay men and feel that's what I am sexually. And to those who are quick to say "you're not a TRUE transsexual", I was diagnosed as one. But the sex change industry, the truth? The REAL reason, in my opinion, for the 2-year "Real life experience" is that they (the medical profession) is upholding the gender binary. They push us toward "surgery" (mutilation) in a two year time frame because they don't want too many of us getting comfortable living as a woman with a penis. They are taking us from one gendered box to another and not allowing any in-between of gender identity or expression.
I also hate my breast implants and am getting them taken out. BUT - the decision to live as a woman for nearly 20 years I do not regret. My soul wanted to experience that, and at this point if I identify as anything, it's two-spirit. I like my short hair and boy's clothing. I even like my clitoris, now that it finally starting functioning properly after taking a testosterone cream. SRS had rendered me inorgasmic for years. What a sick ******* joke the medical $$ industry plays on us trans people. Even living as a male now, I still get read as female, but that doesn't bother me. I like exploring my long-neglected masculinity, and I had to make a choice: since living as a shemale is not an option, I had to think about what I could do to make myself attractive to gay men. That is where FTMs inspired me to realize, since so many of them are gay, that I have the option of working out, getting my fake plastic bags of saltwater removed from my chest, and cutting my hair to balance out my vagina. I lived and looked like a Brazilian supermodel for years, and it is actually refreshing to not present as hyperfeminine. I actually look like myself but 20 YEARS YOUNGER (!) from the estrogen, and I'm cuter than I have ever been. I can still leave the house presenting female if I choose. So, I'm dealing with this the best I can. I take inspiration from Josef Kirchner, but I wish I could love my vagina like he does, but I don't like mine. Intercourse has always been painful, and because I did colon resection instead of penile inversion, I can't even feel a penis inside me because membrane doesn't have feeling like skin does. But I'm coping as best I can and can't wait to get these implants out! And again, for anybody deriding any of us who either choose to live as our birth sex again or simply be a shemale, **** you. IF other trans women are bothered by our experiences, then it's touching a raw nerve inside of them! Love you!


Hi AD!

Very good you're happy with your FFS!

My friend has become very reclusive and very embarrassed about his SRS regret, It try to help him, but almost to no avail.

He didn't and doesn't understand me. He thought it very strange and imposslble to be a woman with a penis (that's me)

Now he's deeply unhappy as a man with a vagina.

I'm new to this site, will try to find out how it exactly works and how to navigate...

How about your FFS? Who was your surgeon and you're happy with the results?

My FFS surgeon was Dr. Spiegel in Boston. Very, very happy with the results. Send me a private message here if your friend would like to talk to me still.

Oh, thank you for <3, now I see the meaning :-)

I'm new to this site and I'm pls ask to clarify if you don't English isn't that good, sorry.
No, I didn't have an orchi, I was on androcur for years, which is a chemical castration.
I'm currently on 1mg progynova, that's sufficient.

Sorry to hear about your misadventure and your worries about re-revision surgery..

I have a friend who is interested in your story because he want to have a penis again as well...

What does <3 mean?

Yes, I read your story about your surgery and your fysical adverse reactions to it...I'm so sorry, but thank god you'll have a second chance!

Btw: I'm completely stable mentally and people who know I'm non op don't bother me for that anymore.
They just accept me for who I am, including my MTF friends :-)

On the other hand...I'm completely healthy but thinking of old age and all kinds of fysical ailments, evt being hospitalised for whatever reasons worry me.

&lt;3 is a heart. Like "I love you" in a friendly kinda way.

Yes I worry too about old age, even though I have a long way until I get there.

Can I ask did you ever have an orchie? I wish I had (well I had one during SRS, but I meant I wish I had an orchie only).

As far as I know though I only have a second chance to get the surgery I want. So I'm pretty scared at times. The graft was taken from my side/back (the latissimus dorsi). Since that (the left side) failed, they can try the right side next time - but if that fails I think I'm screwed. It gives the best of both words (good feeling/appearance/etc) with a hidden scar.

If the right side fails too, I either have to get the graft taken from the abdomen (also hidden scarring, but not as good feeling/appearance) or the forearm (good feeling/appearance, but obviously a massive effing scar that I can't hide without wearing long sleeves all year).

Hi Wonttakenoforananswer,

that's why I felt I should reply to your story in the first place. Sounds like me, minus the SRS.
I feel for you as very few people seem to understand what you mean.


Well, I had a penis again. For two weeks. Until blood clots and necrosis *cry*.

I'm still recovering. I really hope I can get back for another phalloplasty attempt in December. I don't want to wait until May 2014.

Sorry to chime in...but I'm a non op, intending to stay non op and living and working as a female for over 25 years now.It doesn't bother me at all having a penis; I don't like it, I don't hate it, so why having invasive surgery? Besides that: I think I will feel incomplete post op, just as you describe.Anway, what I'd like to that I had a very though time with some friends, therapists, doctors, other transsexuals etc from the very moment I told them I wanted to stay non op.Some said I couldn't bear being an 'inbetweenie' and would jump at the opportunity to have SRS in a few years time....some said I was crazy to stay like this, some declared me a strange in between....and especially some post op MTF's went beserk and yelled agressively at me how sick in my head I was and quite a few told me I was insane. Because I look and act like a female but THEY couldn't stand the thought of me having a penisIt was scary, all those negative reactions and people even getting angry, like I'd insulted them personally!I managed to resist all of it deciding it was my body and my life and I'm the only one making decisions about that.But...I'm still here, stll non op, feeling ok about myself, no social problems whatever and....found out I'm mentally healthier than quite a few post ops know personally...tragic, but true.Then there are both pre and post op MTF who as soon as they know I'll remain non op..ask if I live as a male...but I look and act female!Those MTF judge me on having a penis even without having seen it!I've learned to ignore it, I just know having SRS will turn out disastrous for me.I personally know a few MTF post op regretters...who literally told me it is easy for me to revert to male because I didn't have SRS.They simply don't understand I would make a VERY strange man when I revert to being a male, that it's impossible, socially, fysically, mentally and I don't want to revert to being a male at all! Remaining non op causes it own problems....but I can handle problems seem to be a walk in the park comparing to yours and ohdanigals!I wish you all the best!

Hey nonop,

Honestly, your view of your gender sounds EXACTLY like mine other than that I have surgery. I look and act 100% female. I haven't been called "he" or "boy" or "man" since I had my facial feminization surgery back in 2005!

I want a penis. Or wish I hadn't lost my penis. Or had SRS. Whatever. But I do not want to be a man!

You really need to read up on GVHD. Graft verses host disease can be one of the worst diseases. If you develop Acute GVHD be prepared to die a slow agonizing death. It's more common than people think

Just updating this and notice I have a lot of responses recently.

I did it. I had the surgery in Serbia (phalloplasty - creation of a penis). Huge team of doctors and nurses. Most were totally "cool with it", called me by female pronouns, didn't bat an eye, showed genuine concern for me as a person. One of the nurses even helped detangle my hair during my first post operative shower then she braided it so it wouldn't tangle again (at least not as much).

A couple of the docs didn't seem to get understand that I am female, but they did their job. That's all that really counts right?

Unfortunately I had two terrible complications. The first was I had to have an emergency procedure the day after the initial surgery. I had a blood clot in the phallus. They were able to save it. Again that was 1 day after surgery. I had to spent extra time in the hospital because of this 10 days total. The main surgeon even picked up the extra money for the stay (or arranged it to be free, or whatever). Other than the obvious boredom of being stuck in bed and pain, I felt good. Happy. I felt non gender dysphoric when some of the doctors would come in and change my bandages. Or tell me to spread my legs as they looked at me. It surprised me how real it felt even so quickly after surgery too. It felt like a penis in my hand. I couldn't feel the tip but I did have nerve regrowth / sensation pulses in the bottom half.

Then, 13 days later (3 days after leaving the hospital) absolute disaster struck. I had to be taken from the apartment I was staying in back to the hospital for ANOTHER emergency procedure. The phallus had developed more clots and necrosis, and while the main surgeon could have saved about half (or a little less) of it, he decided to remove it. I knew it was 50/50 before they put me under and I was devastated when I woke up.

Two of the surgeons came in to my room and comforted me and said they would not abandon me. I can go back in 6 months (or more) and it will be free. The sucky part is this time they will have to take the graft from my right latissimus dorsi instead of my left, and as you can guess I'm right handed. So limited use of my right hand for 1-3 months is going to suck. And of course, paranoia about a clot or necrosis again.

Extra sucky thing: I had no risk factors for clotting/necrosis. I don't smoke, drink, use drugs, have cardiovascular problems, and I'm young, fit, and healthy.

I just came across this and, while I realize it's 2 years ago, wanted to reply as I'm in a very similar situation. I fit so many of the classic "transsexual narrative" parameters, including documented cross-gender expression as early as age 2. The only reason I didn't cross-dress much in my youth was parents who would severely punish for that and who were regularly present around the house (one parent ran his own business nextdoor and frequently checked up on me.)

I began transition at 19 but faced steep barriers (even being in the USA) and only successfully did so at 36. I had doctors who did not accept being non-op as a valid transition path and, when they realized I was happy living my life as a woman without SRS, and successfully navigating situations like work and the women's lockerroom at the gym (too successfully, I was told by them,) they undertook actions such as making radical changes to my HRT doses that do not keep with the suggested paths or have other medical reasons. The result was that I began to experience dysphoria about my genitals, and also plunged into clinical depression.

I thought SRS would alleviate those feelings, but I was wrong. I'm now a month post-op and feel worse about my body than I ever have before; I feel that it is disfigured.

I do not seek another surgery to change this as I do not believe I can feel comfortable again. I am adding this to some of my activism, though, because it is important that doctors accept that non-op is valid and not coerce patients to have surgery they do not want and which, as a result, may cause a loss of quality of life.

Genital surgery did not make me a woman; I was always one and was far more content and confident as one before this.

I'm glad I'm not the only one out there like this Ohdanigirl. It is wrong that we are pushed in the direction of SRS rather than being treated as non-op is just as valid of a choice.

Indeed. After seventeen years fighting to just get HRT, losing access to HRT two years later as the price of being non-op was too much.

Pray to Jesus.....

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Please Believe that God is all loving and Magic

I am sorry you now don't like the results, and I hope you find peace. As for myself, I am VERY happy to have a lovely vulva with all that means. Sex is better than I ever hoped, and maybe the difference is in our ages and experiences. By the time I was 4-5 I knew I was a girl, but with what I've come to regard as a birth defect. I got help early (see my profile), and though it was hard, and people said the nastiest things to me, I had a wonderful support group, transition early, and had as much of a girl's life as possible. Being a complete young woman now, at 20, my genital correction was done at 18. True transsexuals, (have you read "Second Type Woman"?) NEED to be female, just as I did. Having a vagina and breasts, a very feminine body, voice and face was because I got early treatment. Society is too slowly coming around and the percentage of true transgenders are so small. I adore being female, have a boyfriend, took Monica Stewart's advise about restoring genital sensitivity, knew exactly what I would be going through, and was prepared by "teams" of pych's and therapists was before I had the surgery that I feel freed me. I can not speak for anyone else. I truly hope you find peace and fulfillment, and you are successful! I count my blessings people were there for me.
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Jackie, how are we really different?

We are about the same age and I too felt like I was a girl when I was 4-5 years old and I too have been seen by gigantic teams of surgeons, shrinks, and doctors. My family is accepting as well.

I was the same; I knew I was a girl (and said as much) at age 2. However, when I attempted to transition in my teens I received institutional oppression - faced being involuntarily committed for being trans, etc. It took persistently pursuing transition until I was 34 to get HRT, and then still be jerked around on it for years.

Email me if you can afford it I could help you feel whole again. ( )

Dear Won'tTakeNo, your article was written nearly a year ago. I hope you've found some positive alternatives. I don't know what to say about the surgery, I've read of men making the transition and they would really pass as a woman but they WANT to keep their penis. Fortunately they realized it before the final surgery. That we can actually turn men into women is fascinating to me, but this is the 21st Century and it seem to me we should be able to reverse the procedure as well. I'm not looking to change, but I would support any family member or friend that really wanted to change. While your are looking for an acceptable way to reverse your situation, I would recommend seeing an MD Psychiatrist and perhaps getting some medication for the anxiety and depression. While it won't change anything physically it might help with accepting this situation while you seek alternatives.

I take Paxil and Wellbutrin for depression, I've taken Xanex for anxiety. These meds have really helped balance my life and deal with the things I cannot change. You may actually be able to make the change but this may help while you are waiting.

Good wishes to you


Hi and thank you.

I have been seeing a new therapist and together we did find a surgeon who will likely do a reversal surgery for me! The surgery is not fully reversible though. Unfortunately, people who want a penis who don't have one (whether they lose it or they are "female to male") cannot get something that is an exact replica of a natural penis. There are some limitations about a surgically constructed penis, but less than I initially thought. Regardless, it should make me feel a lot better than I do now.

The one possible risk is that the surgeon is actually Serbian and he wants me to talk to a psychologist he is familiar with. So I am talking to her (psychologist the surgeon knows) and my current psychologist (who is a man). She is ok with it (though she thought I wanted to go back to living as a man) but I need to talk to her a few more times before she sends a report to the surgeon. I just hope that he (surgeon) understands that I do not want to go back to living as a man and is willing to operate on me. I have talked to some other surgeons who do penis-construction surgeries and all of them except this guy have said no. So I am worried that this could turn into a bust.

As far as medication goes, I tried wellbutrin for depression and did not like it. It made me feel like I had no emotions at all. I also tried zoloft for both depression and anxiety/PTSD but that interrupted my sleep, strange dreams (I would wake up screaming according to the my girlfriend), and headaches.

Thank you, Won'tTakeNo, like you, my greatest concern is, can the Serbian surgeon make a satisfactory penis. I understand they can take some muscle from the back of the arm or the back of the leg. I'm sure you've done the research about this sort of thing, it seems foreign countries have more experience with SRS even female to male (I understand you want to continue living as a woman, you just want your penis back) and I would think that in Italy, or Thailand or Switzerland they have more experience. Another thought I had, and you've probably already researched this, are the penile implants. I only mention this because I'm impotent and looking at them for my own use. I'm sorry to hear the meds aren't working for you. Perhaps there are others that would not have those side effects. They have certainly improved my life. I wish you well, my friend, the road ahead may not be an easy one, but it will certainly be interesting and I hope you will keep us posted. All the best to you.