You Never Know What You Have Until You Have Lost It

i'm currently 15 years old. at the moment i live with my father, his girlfriend & her child that she had with my dad. i was sent here feb of 2010 in hope to "make me better..."


two years ago, when i had lived with my mother, my stepfather and my litte sister, my stepdad was deployed off to iraq for a full year! my family was absolutely perfect! my mother and my stepdad never faught, i loved my little sister. we were the perfect, happy family.
my whole 8th grade year, my stepfather was gone. at that time, it was the hardest part of my life. i missed him, my mother missed him and my sister would cry every night for the first 3 months he was gone. 

in june 2009, he had come home for good! it was like christmas in june! my family felt complete... two weeks of him returning from iraq, my mother had found some images of another women on his laptop while trying to download some music to her ipod. my dad started seeing another women that was deployed to iraq with him. my mother was crushed. i was crushed. it was her birthdayn to top it off.

the next month was hell, for me and my mother. i had fallen into the wrong crowed, i started smoking and doing a whole bunch of stuff at 14 year old should not be doing.  that august, i had found out my mother had been usuing cocain to deal with her issues.  at first i was alright  with it, only because i didnt know how to feel about it.  towards oct of 2009, my mothers attitude had totally changed. she was constantly in a bad mood, screaming at me and my sister all the time, she and my stepdad were constantly fighting. all the love my family once shared was totally gone.


i had no idea how to deal. i found comfert in my newly found friends. we would spend everyday smoking weed, and finding ways to get higher. by my 15th birthday that novemeber, my family barely spoke to eachother. i was constantly out running the streets, getting high, and spending most of my time with my boyfriend and my friends. 

after a few months, things only got worse.  my mom would party at her dealers house with MY friends, staying up for days on cocain.  i had never partied with my mother, only because i thought it was rediculus. by that time, i had started using cocain myself...none of my friends knew neither did my boyfriend know. the only one that knew was the kid who would give it to me. 

by jan 2010, i was a steady cocain user, i had also been taking narcotics live vicoden, oxycontin, and demoral because weed did not do it for me anymore. feb 12 2010 i was sent from new jersey to tennesee to live with my father. my mother had found out what i have been doing, and had found out about all of my habbits.  DYFAS (nj child services) was called on my mother through my highschool....still to this day, i do not know how my school had found out about my mothers cocain use.

since the day i had arrived at my dads, i have been miserable. i was drug & love deprived. my father would only tell me how awful i was and how i was all jacked up. i had no motovation to get better.   my mother and i didnt speak for 3 months.  in that time, i had changed my whole mindset.  i was terribly homesick. i missed my friends, and i had missed my mother dearly.  when i had started school in march in tn, i had found a new interest... adderall. it had the same effects on me as cocain did.... thats why i fell in love with it.

it was long before my dad had found out about my adderall use....the verbal abuse had worsened 10 fold after that. i rarely left my room because everytime i would see my dad, he would just let me know how awful i was and how i am the worst child in the world.

april of 2010, i met my current boyfriend. we clicked instantly.  he would motovate me to go to school everyday and get good grades.  when school ended in may, i fell into a deep depression.  i had to attened summer school because i had flunked my first semester when i lived with my mom....i was kicked out in the second week of july for missing 3 consecutive days for being sick. it was very discurageing.  my fathers verbal abuse made me snap. it is now july 24th of 2010 and i am currently making plans to leave my dads house to stay with my boyfriend and his mother. 

my mother and i talk everyday....she wants me to stay in tn in fear of falling into the wrong crowed again. when she talks with my father, he tells her i'm doing fine, therefore she sees no reason in me moving back with her.  my mother and stepdad are doing great. my mother is off the cocain and they couldnt be happier.

i currently have to repeat my first semester of my freshman year. thoughts of dropping out of school run through my mind everday. i'm still extreamly homesick and my fathers verbal abuse is at its worst. leaving feels like my only option even though i know for a fact its not the best.  but my mom always reminds me "what doesnt kill me makes me stronger"

i regret all of the things i was doing up in new jersey and i wish i could go back in time and re-do everything!  it only takes a few wrong choices to cause everything to come crashing down.   i will be 16 this novemeber, and i hope to find a job at that time, save up for college so i can get a degree in photography and digital art,  and i hope to have be back with my mother.

life is what you make it.


thatf0t0graphergirl thatf0t0graphergirl
13-15, F
Jul 24, 2010