I Want To Run Away, But I Don't Know What From.

This is really difficult to explain, so please bear with me! I want to know if anyone else feels like this, and I'd love to chat with anyone that does.

When I look around all I can see is hypocrisy and I feel so suffocated all the time by where I live, the people I know and myself. I've started to hate all the people that I ought to love because to me they all seem like hypocrites. So many of them say you need to make the most of life, but they don't. They're content, but I hate the fact that people are willing to settle for just being content and 'putting up'.

Last year a lot of things happened that magnified all these feelings to the point where I did something stupid, and took a lot of paracetamol. Since then I've been diagnosed with depression.

I can't tolerate school anymore because for my A-levels I chose 'sensible' subjects that would lead to university and hopefully a well-paid job, etc... Looking back, I should have chosen the subjects that I was passionate about. But my school won't let me change a thing because to do that you have to be failing your subjects, and I'm not. Also, my school's really anal about things like that, so if I failed all of my exams they'd kick me out - not let me redo a year doing the subjects I enjoy and should have done in the first place.

My best friend used to be so much fun and just like me, but we've grown apart. Through the holidays she got up early and spent 7 hours revising everyday for exams. When we finally did go out again one night, it turned out that it was so she could tell me that she was concerned with the effort I was putting in at school because if I carried on like this, I wouldn't get to uni. I tried to explain to her that if I got the grades I'd go to uni, but that if I didn't it didn't matter because university isn't the only option after school, but she wouldn't accept it because she thought I was just being lazy.

I know that she'll get better grades than me, and that the revision she does is fantastic, but I don't want the same things as her, and I hated her for just assuming that I did. Which is unfair, because she was only looking out for me.

I could go on for hours, but I think I've written too much already. Sorry, I'm nearly done!

What I really need is to find motivation. My mum passed away last year, so there's just my dad and I now. My grandparents still live in the city, so I want to go and live with them next year, and redo the last year doing the subjects that I should have done in the first place at a school there. I know that that is what's best for me right now, because if I stay here and put up with things the way they are right now, I'll do more stupid things. I want to meet new, inspiring people. But I can't because I can't leave my dad on his own. Because although he would let me go, it would completely break his heart - even though I'd visit often and he knows that I love him more than anything. He'd say it was fine, but I know that on the inside he'd be hurting.

I want to run away, but I can't. Or can I? 'Run away' as in move back to the city. Is it selfish for me to leave? I feel so soffocated. Does anyone else feel similar to me? Please get in touch if you do.

Sorry this is so long...
alr94 alr94
18-21, F
2 Responses May 8, 2011

I completely feel the same way to you friend. Its more the suffocation in life than anything. Every family has their own different way of dealing with and interacting with the people within it. I have often thought about moving away to completely different countries. I wouldn't actually carry out these ideologies but they are in my mind most of the time. Its how people and humans interact and expression themselves with each other, that bounce other peoples moods and can change them if that makes any sence :P As regards to your exams. I went through A level are, but I found them to be stressful, due to certain grades I couldn't do the subjects that I was truly passionate about. But maybe not in the school you are in, somewhere else they will allow you to retake your A level exams. It doesn't matter if you go to university a little late, as long as you are doing something you are happy with. With your mum passed away I am also in the same boat as you, as I sadly lost mine a few years ago.
love to be your friend xxxx

I share your feelings in which people are completely submissive to societal norms. If they are okay with that, then that's their prerogative. However, I, much like yourself am not okay with complacency. I used to have the same attitude toward school. I suppose, to some degree I still have that attitude. I'm finishing up my university education next year. However, when I reflect on my experience, I ask myself "what did I really learn?" Sure, the university facilitated textbook learning, encouraged critical analyses, and provided vast resources, but...what for? I fee like they are preparing me to be another slave to the workforce. haha, had to rant, myself :)<br />
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Although your friend seems caring, it appears she's projecting her beliefs on you. Something I've finally realized...friends come and go. It seems like a harsh thing to say, I know. Friendship cannot be forced. If someone finds themselves drifting apart from a friend, don't fight it. Ultimately, trying to force a connection that is no longer there will hurt the relationship. I love meeting new, interesting, even not so interesting people. If I don't feel a deep connection with them, then i'll part ways. <br />
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I hear you saying "I can't" a lot. I used to, and still do say that as a crutch because i'm scared. It's freighting to leave all the familiarity and relationships you have developed. I want to leave here and travel the world, but I say I can't because I have too many obligations here. Truth is, I don't...I'm too scared to leave everything behind. It's not a matter of can't, it's a matter of won't.<br />
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It most certainly isn't selfish of you to want to leave. Interpersonal relationships are important, and it makes me happy you're taking them into consideration. However, if YOU"RE not happy with where you are in life....what's the point? Altruism is great, but you're happiness is very important. Please, do what makes you happy.