I Want To Run Away, But I Don't Know What From.This is really difficult to explain, so please bear with me! I want to know if anyone else feels like this, and I'd love to chat with anyone that does.
When I look around all I can see is hypocrisy and I feel so suffocated all the time by where I live, the people I know and myself. I've started to hate all the people that I ought to love because to me they all seem like hypocrites. So many of them say you need to make the most of life, but they don't. They're content, but I hate the fact that people are willing to settle for just being content and 'putting up'.
Last year a lot of things happened that magnified all these feelings to the point where I did something stupid, and took a lot of paracetamol. Since then I've been diagnosed with depression.
I can't tolerate school anymore because for my A-levels I chose 'sensible' subjects that would lead to university and hopefully a well-paid job, etc... Looking back, I should have chosen the subjects that I was passionate about. But my school won't let me change a thing because to do that you have to be failing your subjects, and I'm not. Also, my school's really anal about things like that, so if I failed all of my exams they'd kick me out - not let me redo a year doing the subjects I enjoy and should have done in the first place.
My best friend used to be so much fun and just like me, but we've grown apart. Through the holidays she got up early and spent 7 hours revising everyday for exams. When we finally did go out again one night, it turned out that it was so she could tell me that she was concerned with the effort I was putting in at school because if I carried on like this, I wouldn't get to uni. I tried to explain to her that if I got the grades I'd go to uni, but that if I didn't it didn't matter because university isn't the only option after school, but she wouldn't accept it because she thought I was just being lazy.
I know that she'll get better grades than me, and that the revision she does is fantastic, but I don't want the same things as her, and I hated her for just assuming that I did. Which is unfair, because she was only looking out for me.
I could go on for hours, but I think I've written too much already. Sorry, I'm nearly done!
What I really need is to find motivation. My mum passed away last year, so there's just my dad and I now. My grandparents still live in the city, so I want to go and live with them next year, and redo the last year doing the subjects that I should have done in the first place at a school there. I know that that is what's best for me right now, because if I stay here and put up with things the way they are right now, I'll do more stupid things. I want to meet new, inspiring people. But I can't because I can't leave my dad on his own. Because although he would let me go, it would completely break his heart - even though I'd visit often and he knows that I love him more than anything. He'd say it was fine, but I know that on the inside he'd be hurting.
I want to run away, but I can't. Or can I? 'Run away' as in move back to the city. Is it selfish for me to leave? I feel so soffocated. Does anyone else feel similar to me? Please get in touch if you do.
Sorry this is so long...