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Have Nobody In This World..

When I was born I was put straight into foster care. My biological mom is/was a prostitute & drug addict , & my biological dad is/was an acholic & was in and out of jail. All I know is that I have 11 other brothers and sisters somewhere in this world. I was in foster care with my grandma till I was 6. Then I got adopted to this family that already had 2 kids. Both boys and I was the middle child and only girl. At first things started to go well then there would be constant fighting and arguments. They made me feel like I wasn't even part of the family..excluded me from multiple things and made me feel different as if I wasn't even really part of the family. Things started to get really bad & I became suicidal and started cutting myself and was sent to a mental hospital for 3 weeks. When I returned "home" nothing changed at all. Then I found out that there was a another child..the first one but she had got kidnapped when she was 3 months years old. Somehow she found them when she was 18 , & made it back into there life. I found out that I was only there replacement child for her & the only girl. I was in 8th grade (14 yrs old ) walking home from school in a good mood to find them standing outside. They told me we had to go to the courthouse and clamed that they didn't know why but because my DYFS worker wanted to meet with us. I found out that we had a court meeting to send me to a shelter for 2 weeks , and they had my bags packed. They told me that it was only temporary and that I would come "home" after. Unfortunately , I ended up going to a group home after. Never had the chance to say bye to my friends, teachers, or anything. I was in the group home for 9 months and they told me that I would come home after that. I started smoking and drinking because I didn't know what else to do to heal my pain. After being in the group home for 7 months I found out that they unadopted me and didn't want anything to do with me. I lived with them for 9 years and actually considered them family. Then a family wanted to take me in as foster care. I lived with them for 3 months then they got rid of me too , because they couldn't " handle" me because they already had 4 biological kids. So i returned to the group home for another 3 months but then ran away because the other girls would bully me. I ran away for 3 weeks & slept in the group home's car & sometimes at the train station. I made it because it was summertime. Then the cops found me and i was sent to another foster home for a day. Then my bestfriend since 4th grade took me in. I started doing drugs and drinking more though because the first family I lived with that adopted me the kids went to school with me. I don't feel comfortable because I still have their lastname. People look at me weird and give me dirty looks all the time. I get teased for being black in a white school and I can't take it. I have no one to talk to and I'm becoming suicidal and want to start cutting again. I starve myself because I get called fat at school to. I'm failing mostly all my classes. I stopped doing drugs and because I'm doing better my therapist automatically assumes I'm popping pills now. So I have to do more drug counseling. I get in trouble at "home" for the stuppidest things. The only place I'm happy at is at work because they don't judge me. I don't love or care about anyone because I've been hurt so much by people. I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I honestly want to take my life. I want to run away but I don't want to hurt my best friend and her family for taking me in and giving me so much, but I jus can't do it anymore. They tell me that they love me and don't want me to leave. But I can't even say it back because I don't love anyone and can't deal with the heartache anymore. My heart is literally in millions of peices that I can't seem to pick up and put back together. I don't sleep anymore and don't care about ANYTHING. I have no one to talk to , no one to listen to me , and no one to love. I just want all this pain and hurt to end.
Sweetheart44 Sweetheart44 16-17, F Mar 25, 2012

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