I Want OutIt started when I was eight. When I realized that my life was going down the hole, that it was going to probably get harder from here on out with my mind suddenly awakening to life's imperfections, with the realization that my parents weren't the heroes I always thought they were, that they bled and made mistakes like I did... It started when I packed my clothes, slipped ten dollars into my pocket, and planned to run away from home.
I always felt stifled growing up. There is truly such a thing as your parents loving you far too much, and my parents loved me like there was no tomorrow. They were always afraid for me. They didn't want to see me getting hurt, so I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. I wasn't allowed to mess up. They protected me from the big, bad world by locking me in my room. It was horrible. I wasn't allowed to have friends, and no one could understand why my parents were so strict.
I was scared to death of them.
But in this life, it is impossible to not become friends with people you spend eight hours a weekday with. I made friends, and I kept them a secret. I've always kept these two segments of my life seperate, because every time I tried to meld them together, my parents would force me to cut off all contact with my friends.
It's tragic to me how these very intimate aspects of my life could never see eye to eye. They were always vying against each other, or oblivious to one another. They made up the deepest core of me, yet... What was I? I wore two masks every day. People describe life as if it were a journey, sometimes with a paved road, and someitmes not. But I didn't have a road. I had a tightrope, and even though it looked like a road ahead of me, I could always feel that thin line against my toes with each carefully laid step.
Life was a balancing act, and I was a two faced liar.
And who was I?
I've sacrificed a lot for the people in my life. I loved and lost, burned and been left helplessly broken. I've been hurt and hurt others, as well. To this day, I've never had a friend last longer than five years. I have never fallen in love. I don't know what it means to be a friend, and it makes me feel like a bad person in general. I hate the reflection I stare at in the mirror. I've never even had a decent mirror, because my mom never bought me one.
I just want to start my life on my own, in my own terms. I am tired of people always telling me who I am and who I should be. I've complied before, and all they did was leave me with self-inflicted mutilation.
I am sick and tired of always having to bend and mold myself into what other people want. I AM SICK OF IT ALL.
I just want out.
And nobody's coming with me.