Lost In the Wilderness

I have always dreamed about running away.

I did once when I was five. I never made it out of thegarage, although I managed to hide out there for most of the day. BUt then my parents called my grandparents, who called their friend -the mayor, who called his friend the police cheif, and DRAMA ensued.

When I was  teen I kept 2 bags packed and ready to go, with a pair of pants, two t-shirts, a light fold up rain jacket, some toiletries, and some non-perishable food.  One bag stayed in my room, the other was at my best friends house (later to be moved to my car when I got one).

My best friend and I would go to the library and research places using the atlas, US maps, and the internet. We researched climate, populations, etc, trying to determine the best place to go when we did run away. We did not want to be homeless children on the streets, we wanted to be alone in the wilderness.

When we chose some spots, we spent a god awful amount of time researching the local flora and fauna for food sources and dangers.  We researched howto set traps for small game adnd birds, how to build a housing structure (based on the local American Indian stories), learned to make fire without matches or a lighter.

We were serious. But we never ran away. It was always this dream, hovering there.

Now, I am an adult. I live with my parents because it is necessary for someone to be with my mom at night, and because it is mutually beneficial, esp in the financal categories.

Those dreams of running away never left. They have gotten stronger and stronger over the years, although they are a bit more sophiticated than they were.

I want to buy some land out in the middle of nowhere and build a little cabin that is mostly self-sufficient so I don't have to see anyone if I don't want to. I want to be a hermit.

I ask my self what I would be running away from, and the answer is always the same - ME.

I often think of one of my favorite quote:

Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene. -- Arthur Christopher Benson

I understand that leaving, running away won't change anything for me. My past will be my past, regardless of where I live. My brain will be my brain. My pain will be my pain. I cannot leave it behind somewhere.

ANd I am not willing to run away into a bottle again, into the drug ridden, alchohol haze that let me forget it so long ago, because now I know that only adds to the pain.

I want to run away.
eyes eyes
31-35, F
12 Responses Oct 6, 2007

I want to run away too road trip all over and be free maby stop here and there for awhile .but end up where ever still need to work it out but not really you know maby just go ou want to go ..... Let's chat

Out into the wilderness, an isolated cabin, sounds like my dream for sure! But I also want to surround myself with the people who make me happy. I don't really want to be alone, I just want to co-exist with nature.

I "run away" every summer to the woods above my house with a tent a tarp a lighter a knife and string. My parents know where I am but I guess it has all ways been my dream too. In the day I prepare my food and clean ect. But what I think you might want to try is something like this but a week or so just to get the idea:)

I ran away when I was about 7 but when I came back about an hour later noone noticed I had gone that was a waste of time and energy.......

been there i actually try to run away in the 4th grade i still ting about doing it again these thought hauted me since i was 5 yrs old _-( lol jus tried make a sad face any way i thought about suicide since i was 5 too but i said naw i dont want go to hell 4 that i might as well b unhappy now and b happy in heaven i guess that my state of mind on the subject.

Money and privilege don't make you happy. You have to find a passion, not just a crutch, but something you really truly love. <br />
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Drugs are just a crutch - and i remember feeling like i needed them, like they made things better... and then i remember when it got bad and i abandoned that crutch. I may limp a little now and then, but i don't need those drugs anymore- once they were gone i found things that i was passionate about again - real life - not life in a pill or a bottle

Sigh, this post was so long ago that I dought anyone will even see this... but I feel so ****** its not even funny. Both my parents are deans at a good college and have lots of money, so I grew up rich. I go to the same college as them and have been feeling so depressed lately. But the stupid thing is... Im privledged, I shouldn't feel so bored and tired all the time. Really my only friends are weed (best friend I ever had) and my guitar. I'm depressed without even knowing why... there's to many cool things on this planet, so im not gonna kill my self, but at the same time I feel like my life is already over...

that having been said, i do wish no one else had to understand how it feels

comfort is comfort <br />
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It does help quite a bit to know we are not alone in the feelings. I beleive that the fear that we are alone in our feelings is worse than the feelings themselves.

Everyone is a fixer-upper :) as long as you are willing to admit you need fixin' its all good

I remember when I was kid, somewhere between 5 or 8, I was threatening my mother I was going to run away. I was probably pissed at something. Anyways, immediately I opened the door and walked out of the house. I wholly expected my mother to drag me back in but she didn't. I think this surprised me, but I was stubborn. I kept walking. I walked down my street, about 10 houses down...I wish I could recall all the feelings I was feeling during this time. It was probably a whirlwind of fear, exhiliration, sadness. Eventually, my mother caught up to me, with, if I remember correctly, a spatula on one hand because when I had made my threat, she was cooking something at the time. So here she was, on the sidewalk, 10 houses down from our house, screaming for me to go home. I remember that I was relieved that she cared enough about me to eventually come get me but I was kicking myself for relenting and going home. If I remember correctly, I was actually hiding in the bushes waiting to see if she would come after me. I don't remember how long I had waited... <br />
As I reached adulthood and beyond, suicidal ideation became the ultimate aspiration for escape. But I still had enough sensible logic to dispell the mood before it got too serious (I was also probably too depressed to have the energy to commit to action). So here I am today. I'd rather face up and accept me as a space for improvement than as a space to abandon. I'm a fixer-upper. But that's ok.

in my case its not bravery, just absolute stubbornness and refusal to lose the game completely