If I Can Lose My Emotion, Give Up My Heart And Passion, Even For A Week, A Month, A Year

Dear Fairy,

I just cried very much just now and it could have been better if i just went out and had a drink.. but my voz is suffering so I didn't go.. plus I don't have the energy to go with people who do not respect or care about your friendship, etc.

Is it not possible to ever meet a person who would protect me and make me believe once again that I can cry in front of, as a friend or as husband. I don't want to date, not ready for marriage, but always ready to be loved and can love again passionate with all my heart and no need to regret. But the world is just so weird.

Why am I not meeting the one? Is there ever one? Do I need to travel all over the world to find? A simple villager who then fall in love with me and love me and protect me from rains and storms? An innocent heart with hopes and love.

Here I am alone, crying. Again and again and I am so sick of it. I don't even let myself to cry of anyone because they never give you a hug, they just judge you and put you down.

I want myself to smile. I have a cute smile. But most of the time I cry, I cry at night. I secretly cry now. In a way I really don't care if the end of the world will come in a few days. I haven't done nothing I want to do. I am just tired. May be I am still depressed. But that's not my fault. That jerk and mean people blame depression on the person instead of the situation. I need to stand up for that.

But my eyes are so swollen once again. I wish I didn't get online and looked that night. It really ruined my few days.

It's choking again. I am so weak.

Where is my star?

I gave a hug and care to a crying lady. But I never get that from another person.

Sometimes I wonder why can't I have some good friends/people who really care. Is that my fate? Or my problem? But I am always the one who cares. I have a warm heart and I shine. But what i get is coldness. As if I am a burden. It hurts.

I wonder if I can lose my emotion, give up my heart and passion, even for a week, a month, a year to try. But I would then miss myself.

I can still carry on because I still have a thread of love hanging on, from myself, to myself.

I do get very scared to travel alone, but may be I need the adrenaline rush, or the courage, or the sense of success and being useful, or my desire to see the world as much as possible because I recoil to death.

No one see tears behind my eyes, when I can fake my smiles so well sometimes.

I just love when I can smile happily, just because of me.

But I feel being very used and used. It really hurts.

I am ready to, always ready, if true love finds me and I can once again love even if it's a burden. Love is hard. It is even harder to find real love.

Meanwhile, only if I can forget, and forget to cry. That would be good enough.
ludai ludai
Dec 15, 2012