Thanks Dad... I Guess
Posted June 20th, 2010 at 12:18PM
My father was completely disassociated… from everything not just me. When he got home from the office he sat and played solitaire, never speaking or interacting with the family. Occasionally he would erupt in a rage and beat my older brother, never me and the outbursts were rare but the risk was always there just below the surface. He actually just sat silent in his chair 95% of the time for 15 years. Perhaps there were reasons for his state but that’s another story. This one is about me.
I was an accomplished athlete, playing many sports in which I excelled. Each year at the awards banquet I had to mount the stage to receive my awards, best hitter, best offensive lineman, best defensive lineman, outstanding pla
At age 10 I began martial arts training (on my own initiative and along with my other sporting endeavors). Over the years I became a very proficient competitor, winning in local, regional and national competitions. Eventually becoming a pro and making it onto ABC TV’s Wide World of sports. Once again my parents never recognized any of my achievements. My neighbors saw me on the tube but I have no idea if my father ever saw me in action.
What can I say about it? I learned to act in my own self interests, setting my own agenda and judging the results of my actions without input from others. Yes I became isolated and perhaps I was still seeking approval through my continued involvement in high level combat sport. Maybe my need to compete and excel is the result of my parent’s lack of involvement but what ever the cause I have chosen to seek excellence and become my own person.
So…. thanks dad… I made it anyway.
----- Update 7/5/10 ------
I wrote this story in a couple of minutes without much thought. I’ve been over these circumstances many, many times and had thought I was beyond the whole thing and I don’t know what brought me to the point of writing about it.
The gracious response of EPeeps to this post has been surprising and humbling.
However what is most surprising is my reaction to some of the story’s negative comments.
EP is a free for all and any story out there is fair game for anyone to comment on, positively or negatively.
I’m a “big boy” and have had my share of banal, pointless or vindictive comments on my stories. So what? Its no big deal and most of us have had similar experiences when we post. We usually just blow them off with a shrug.
Yet when “yeshucan” posted a less than complementary comment I went off.
What was THAT about? (NDD rolls his eyes at himself!)
It is true that he made inaccurate assumptions, charged me with misrepresentation and gave me impossible advice (both of my parents are long dead and buried) but so what? He was not grossly offensive nor did he score a telling blow to my sense of honor. So why did I bother to respond at all?
As some of you have commented these types of situations generate feelings of inferiority and self doubt in children living in dysfunctional families. I to have had to deal with my own “unworthiness” and although I thought I’d gotten it under control (it’s been a hell of a long time since these events occurred) apparently I’m still struggling with the issue.
I’ve been in the process of trying to address an age old and important question. “Who am I, really?” Am I just the sum of my experiences or is the state of my consciousness as I experience life the primary factor? This question calls for close examination of my entire life and it appears I’ve brought unresolved feelings and memories to the surface. My unworthiness now seems to be bubbling just below my daily stream of consciousness and unfortunately I’m not advanced enough to meet a direct assault on my worth as a human with equanimity.
So…. once again EP has served its purpose. I am being forced to deal with my delusions and release my attempts to grasp at a (long held) false persona as the “alpha dog” to protect myself from the wounds of long ago. I know that I’ll never “get over it” because the wounds have long since scared over and that inflexible tissue will be a life long part of my psyche.
Now I’ll just have to learn to let it be, accepting it and try to learn to view both my father and myself with compassion. Wish me luck.
I’m still smarting from this experience and I wonder if I owe “yeshucan” an apology or a thank you for focusing my attention on an unresolved bit of my past - (nods to WiB). Anyone care to offer me advice on this?
BTW: I was never a national champ and was mediocre as a pro. This story was not intended to garner me any ego strokes. I cited my atheletics to raise the issue of parental support. I I believe I have done other things that outweigh any achievements I managed in athletics.
Wikipedia: UT (comic), an adult humour comic published in the UK » -
Congrats on excelling Newdaydog. I'm always amazed that so many of the very best people have an uncanny ability to rise up and overcome.Still I wish you had your family in your corner while you were competing.
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LOL ... my oldest played hockey... I took him to practice at 4:00 am three times a week. I never missed a game home or away and he played on a traveling team so that was sometimes 275 - 300 miles each way.
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stunning story! well done bloke, hopefully the long miles have enabled you to form a really close bond. as for your Dad, man, what was going on in his head? it's always sad when your read or hear of a child being beaten, it's so very wrong in my opinion. anyway, good luck to you... -
congratulations on your achievements, and for being there for your son.
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What a mix of emotions your story provokes. Two stand out; sadness and pride. Congratulations on your wonderful achievements, may your pride be humble. How wonderful that you can be there for your son, understanding exactly what he needs. X@
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Keep being a better Dad my friend. That is the payoff. If your Mother & Dad were always there, you may not realize just how important it is. Luckily you had teammates and coaches to cheer you on. Good luck and I hope your dad reads this.
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i am so in love with my first cousin not joking i kissed her with tounge all the time we got marryd 2days ago -
I can TOTALLY relate to this comment. In many ways, your dad was/is exactly like my father. My mother tried to be there for me, but was and still is completely overwhelmed.
It makes me sad, because like you, my parents are not there to encourage, emotionally support me in my creative endeavors, congratulate me whenever something comes through, etc. My peers give me kudos every once in a while. Yet, its not the same as with a family member or a friend. I've learned how to be self-sufficient though. Made me a stronger person in many ways. Sometimes I get caught up in the negativity, but then I remind myself. Just simply pick myself up and work towards my goals.
So this entry really hit home for me. Although for you its athletic and for me its artistic. Still, the best thing we can do is to move on with life. Life is for living, not for regrets. At least you can be a better father than yours ever was. -
I am so very well impressed with your persistance towards the goals that you set - overcoming all obstacles - and the amazing standards you met. You certainly set a very good example to all of us on achieving our goals.
I think it is sad that your family did not realize the amazing guy that you are - that is their loss.
I hope that you continue to inspire others in their endeavours - whatever the goals they have set.
And I am sure that you will definitely inspire not just your children, but their children, etc.
What an amazing person you are.
I would also like to thank all those who did support you - friends, team mates, coaches. I think it is great that they supported you when your family did not. -
Great for you, you was not trying to be the person that your father was, YOU DID THAT THANG! you did great.
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I'm sorry that you never had the father you wished you deserved. I relate to your story in so many ways. My dad would come home, sit in front of the couch and not utter a single word. If what I said was stupid then he would not even acknowledge it. Gave me the silent treatment. I often wonder now how he felt and did he feel that he was living the life he was meant to live. He was miserable with my mother and only stayed because of me. I imagine that had a lot to do with his behavior. His behavior left me with a lot of issues that I am having great difficulty resolving. But it did leave me with a lesson. If I ever behave that way then I need to change something. Either leave my spouse or do whatever it takes to be happy. Another lesson is that you have to be aware how your misery may affect others such as your children. It's not their fault for the choices you've made. Don't make them pay for your demons. I don't have kids yet but I pray to God that I can recognize if I ever become my father.
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The only thing I could add is that thank G-d you had sports and martial arts in your life. So many young children who are not supported emotionally by their families turn into bad seeds.
Kudos for not letting your experience turn you sour on life or achievement or on being a good father yourself. -
First you forgive then reconciliate then respect the inanimate and the animate, from there you put into use these values to find your soul and spirit: Self-control, kindness, virtuous, harmony, integrity, friendship, love, compassion, tranquility, communicate, mercy, honesty, thoughtful, faithful, be just, trustworthy, sincere, understanding, generous, loyalty, patience, common sense and peacefulness. These values are the Truth that Jesus spoke of, "I bring you the Truth and the Truth will set you free." These values can also be developeed in the secular sense.
If you haven't practice these values then you ain't "made it.." -
Dear 1234poem,
Thank you so much for your supportive and insightful comment!
I will leave your comment here so that others may benefit from your thoughtfulness.
BTW: I hear the thrift store is running a special on pulpits just right for the self-righteous among us in need of a proper place from which to pontificate. -
Way to go newday!!
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You have been hurt - but in the process you have found something very valuable. Simply, you have learned to set your own goals and to only accept your own measures of your success. You are inner rather than outer motivated. It is the mark of a person who owns their life and knows it - a foundation stone of a successful, mature person.There is much in that to admire NDD. The rest of us can see it - even if your family was too lost in their own pain to see it.
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What an incredible life you've had! And what an incredible person you obviously are! I think in your situation, most people, myself included, would have looked for support in all the wrong places. That's why gangs have become so prevalent not just in our cities, but in affluent suburbs as well. If more of us had your strength, gangs would shrivel up and disappear! Thank you for sharing your story here and I hope you share it with both parents and children in your "off-line" world as well. One question: did/do your parents interact at all with your children (their grandchildren)?
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My kids are in reginal and state competition. They haven't reached the national level. Even at their level they could not be involved without my money and time transporting them and volunteering at their events. For you to be involved as you were, up to national competitions, I would think there had to be some parental involvement. I suspect that they had to split their time between you and your siblings and that bothered you. You sound like there is a bit of narcissism involved here and nothing that they did would have been enough for you. You couldn't have made it without them and that bothers you. Maybe they were ashamed of you because you were never satisfied with what they gave you or did for you. Get over it and tell them your sorry.
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Hey Yeshucan: You are an ignorant douchebag. This man has opened his heart, not for sympathy, but for understanding. He's trying to look for answers in his own heart to the problems and challenges he's suffered through a lifetime of hope that he could get closer with his family. To tell this man to, "Just get over it" is as big an insult as it is a ignorant. Your assumptions aren't substantiated, and your sense of humanity is clearly in question. Who the **** are you? Grow a conscience and keep your stupid comments to yourself. There are people on here looking for answers, not insults. God you are a ****. -
In reply to yeshucan on Jul 4th, 2010 at 12:03PM
No, your suspicions would be incorrect. I lived in a large city with public transportation. I had a paper route and a little job cleaning a laundromat which funded my activities from age 10 till I left home at 16 (no I did not receive an "allowance"). I paid my own club fees, got myself to and from the dojo on my own. The club held car washes, bake sales etc. to provide $ for the competitors travel. So.... no my parents in fact did not support any of my activities except for my tuition in a parochial elementary school.
While I may be a bit narcissistic, if you read my post you'd have seen that my father literally sat in his chair and vegged. He did this from the time I was 6 and continued to do so well after I left home.
My mother was essentially a single parent and had her hands full with a job, three kids, preparation of all meals, purchase of all groceries, a house to maintain, and so on. I do have a small spot of disappointment left in me that she did not attend any of my activities but I do understand and don't fault her at all. She did support me emotionally and set high expectations for me and my siblings but she really had no time left after seeing to our survival for much else.
Re "splitting time" neither my brother or sister were given a better deal than I was. My brother who bore the brunt of my father's rages managed to overcome his early misfortune and he is a stellar person (with a few faults, like all of us) but my sister is an alcoholic in complete denial who uses booze to deaden her doubts about her self worth and competency. So, no I was not jealous of my siblings and have maintained close relations with my brother. Its hard to have a relationship with a bottle so I'm no longer close to my sister.
Now ... on to the origin of your unwarranted assumptions: You sound as though you are not happy with the money and time you are giving to your children. Have they not thanked you profusely enough? Clearly, you have some unresolved issues with this situation for you to have leaped to such a conclusion and actually posted an attack on me. I suggest you do a bit of introspection and try to discover where the motivation to post a misguided and misinformed comment about me arises. Since you do not know me and we've had no interaction I wonder where you got the urge to accuse me of lying here. I see that you are a new member with a blank profile, no stories, blogs or comments other than this one. I hope you will reconsider your approach to EP and become a bit more positive.
I'll leave your comment up. If you feel I've misjudged you feel free to educate me.
Have a good day. -
NDD - you know this story hits close to home in another way for me. I would be your mother in this story. And I can only hope that I am able to be all that they need. And if they turn out half as well as you have, I'll be satisfied at a job well done. It's amazing how much you've been through, and how you've pushed past the obstacles to excel. It does give me hope for my boys.
And. I am contemplating showing this story to Mr Glow. Whether or not we stay together, he's still their father, and I think that fathers should see things like this. To make them understand what they're doing to their children.
Thank you sharing this. -
I am very curious if you ever found out why your parents, especially, your dad, acted that way.
Maybe, he was abuse himself when he was young, or had trauma in his life that he could not have a relationship. It would be interesting to find out. Don't be too harsh on your parents. It is not an easy job. You seemed to rise out of the situation and became a better person out of your expereince. -
WOW - I bet there of those who will find this hard to believe, but I thought I was the ONLY one. When you are a kid, your entire world is your family. Yeah, there are friends that you play with and school., but your parents, siblings and home are the center of your world. Youdon't notice the dynamics of other families.
I knew, especially as I got older, that I was very lonely inside and so I looked for boyfriends to find happiness. It's no wonder that I became pregnant at sixteen, moved out and started a family of my own. It was only months after I left home that my parents separated and divorced. There are often many reasons why a couple decide to dissolve their marriage, but in my mom and dad's case, the fact that he never loved her was the main reason. They got married because they thought they were supposed to. That was the way it was back then, and they were both a product of that time. A man and a woman (usually she a virgin) got married young because it was the thing to do. In fact, many ladies went to college to obtain their "MRS Degree". He would get a job and provide financially for the family and she would stay at home, take care of that home, be a good wife, have children, care for the children, carry out her "wifely" duties, make a home and care for it. It was assumed that if these things were done, by the book, that they would live happily ever after. I'd like to wring the neck of whomever started that rumour!! Even though I married young and for all the wrong reasons, I unconsciously believed in this as well.
But back to the issue at hand. My father went to work and came home. Nothing more and nothing less. He provided for us, financially. We never went without, but there was an absence of love in the home. After work, he came home and was "there", but he never showed affection. He never had any heart-to-heart, ways of the world, becoming a young woman, etc. discussions with us. Being a child, and having nothing to compare this behavior with, I guess I thought it was normal. It took me a lot of time, therapy and self-examination to realize that our family was disfunctional and barren of love. He never made me feel special, never attended my school functions nor ever praised my achievements. Yeah, I guess that I should be thankful that I was provided for and was not abused nor mistreated, but that fact remains that I never really had a father. -
I don't mean to judge or be judged. Just offering an opposing point of view. Looks like we can both be wrong.
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yeshucan,
Opposing point of view?
Total BS!
You have no basis to have a point of view. You know nothing of my family or my life.
Your comment was an attack not a nonjudgmental observation.
At the very least you should retract your implied charge and keep your mouth shut when you are ignorant of the facts. -
Hi I wanted to say thank you so much for your story. I have a hard time knowing that I did't have a dad to be one to his family. I am the older sister and my younger brother and mom got the abusive part of beatings. I got the verbal abuse and was used by my dad to get what he wanted from guy's. My parents never come to any events for us kids growing up either, but like your mom mine too was doing the best she could and I don't blame her. Do you talk to your dad are see him? I have cut most ties with my dad because I know I can't trust him and I can't allow him to hurt my children the way he did me. I have come to far in life to be hurt again by him so I will speak to him if he calls are I see him but as far as a father daughter relationship we never had it let along he never was a dad to us. I find it hard around fathers day because it wasn't anything happy about it, yes he help create me but that is about it. I don't send fathers day card and such to him and I feel bad sometimes for I know he is still my dad and he can't help it. Thanks again for you story. Congrads on reaching your goals and being able to move forward. You have done great things.
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NewDay Dog, There are different ways to look at this experience. One is of how you reacted to how your family behaved. It is unfortunate that your Father and family did not speak of or show their emotions. There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can learn from it. You ARE a strong, driven person. You set your own goals and you reach them. I'm sure that you must see it now as an adult.
I would like to suggest that you turn your thinking around to a more positive pattern. The past is the past. Thinking about how it should have been is not going to help you much. I don't say that to be mean, but to encourage you to see all the wonderful things YOU are as a result. Self sufficient, strong, determined, encouraging to your friends, team mates and Coaches. Not only will your accomplishments have had an effect on the people you played with, but all those that follow you. All the younger athletes.
You continue on your path regardless of the lack of support from your family. You are your own man and a valuable part of society. You are a role model to the young. Have you thought of working with children in the sport. Being a coach or mentor? There may be other young people who are experiencing the same feelings and issues. Turn your unhappy experience to a positive one.
My sister was an accomplished athlete. She competed all over the world in Karate tournaments and was on the Olympic team. When she ended her career in competition, she was ranked 5th in the world in the woman's division. She is also in the world book of records. As far as I can remember, my Father did not attend many of these events. I was younger and didn't have much opportunity to see her compete either.
I KNOW my father loved my sister, but the issues that caused her to become so proficient in karate, were also the issues that made it difficult for my Father to attend many of her competitions. Imagine being counted 5th in the world and not getting much support or recognition from your family.
You are not alone. She became a Karate instructor and has influenced MANY young people and adults alike. She changed how her experience effected her life. She chose to support and encourage others.
Good luck and know that your accomplishments are recognized by your friends, coaches and many EP friends. You have the stuff to go places in life. Don't let ANYONE hold you back! Keep setting your goals and reaching them for YOU, because how you feel about yourself is what is important in life.
Love -
A very sad but inspirational story NDD.
I think everyone faces a tiny degree of this growing up, very few as much indifference and apathy as you. My sincere sympathies on the one hand and my complete and utter respect and awe on the other.
It is hard, when faced with others loving families and attentive parents not to wonder what the problem is with yours. With siblings, there is also a constant comparison of which kid gets what from which parent.
Kids tend to blame themselves, wondering why they are not worthy of love and attention. Some kids turn to drugs, alcohol, rage, crime, etc to fight the message. Others throw themselves into sports, work, school, etc to prove they are worthy. You obviously chose the latter.
In either case, it is a battle and I hope you have found the love and self-worth you deserve through your own family and friends. -
NDD, you are more inspiring than you could ever imagine to me. I guess we are all there trying to figure out who we are and why we are who we are. You shared a part of yourself and someone came along and tried to **** on that. You have a right to respond and handled it the way you needed to. If Glow or Destry or Geetar or Lauren or yourself come up to me and make a remark like that it is way more consideration worthy than if someone I have never interacted with does. The point is they don't know you nor have they even tried very hard. Just pop in, give a random comment and then run off and hide behind their little blue man. Bah. You are way more worthy than that my friend.
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Your original story is sad and unfortunately probably quite typical in the sense that so many people crave the attention and admiration of their families and never get it. They spend the rest of their lives seeking to make up for that lost affection and become difficult, attention-seeking and very dependent. The admirable thing about this story ... and about you of course ... is that you are still seeking to understand ... still seeking to improve and learn from the experience ... instead of sitting back and blaming the world for the shortcomings of your childhood. I commend you for your inquiring mind and indomitable spirit ... you are a fighter ... and yes, you do have your father to thank for that ... remember the old song "A boy named Sue?" ... well it kind of reminds me of that ...
As for whether you owe anyone an apology ... personally I think your opponent may deserve some thanks too ... for giving you another point of reflection which you may not have considered otherwise. -
Gawddddd! at least he didn't name me Sue!
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I think that if you feel that you owe him an apology,then you should apologize. It's obviously bothering you,so maybe it'll make you feel better. Besides,it's never wrong to spread a little good will,and it might be an opportunity for you both to gain some perspective.
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newday, I am a brother with you. I am a product of the same childhood. Different, but exactly the same. I know you understand what I mean. I am 65 years old now, and I have had a good life. But the wounds are still there and still just below the surface. Barely scratch them and they bleed again. I just have them better hidden. I send a hug from one man to another with no embarrassment.
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