Wonder If I'll Ever Send This Or If I Will Stay So Terrified Of Him That I Can'tDear Dad,
I haven’t been straight with you and neither have you.
I haven’t told you much of how I feel or the way I see the things that happened for fear of hurting you, but holding it in is hurting me even more and I have to put myself first at the moment because I am in a very fragile state. I am extremely depressed and very suicidal. My friend just attempted and rather than make me think I shouldn’t do it, it has only increased my thoughts of suicide.
I and all the psychologists I have seen believe that I was emotionally abused by you for most of my childhood. I know this will be hard to hear as I don’t believe you were aware of what you were doing and I know you would never do it intentionally, but it doesn’t change what happened. I’m not saying that there were no good times, just that the good times were mixed really bad times.
I didn’t realise that my relationship with you was any different to other people’s relationships with their fathers until year 7. I started crying in class the day after you had yelled at me for not changing the channel fast enough and we had a really big fight as I didn’t see how this was fair. When I told the story to Emily, mini and Karen they were shocked. I wasn’t expecting this, I didn’t realise that they never had stupid fights with their dads that got out of hand. It was then that I started to realise that home life shouldn’t be as hard as it always had been for me.
When the idea that I had been emotionally abused was first put to me, I refused to believe it. The word abuse seemed over kill for my situation, it hadn’t been that bad and it was all my fault anyway. But I had the definition of emotional abuse explained to me and given a list of different examples and signs and after a while I came to realise that this fitted what had been happening. It took me a very long time to stop blaming myself for every last thing that had happened. I believed that I had caused you and mum to break up because we always fought and then that would make you and mum fight and I believed it was all my fault. There for I felt responsible for grace growing up in a house of fighting and then having divorced parents. I felt responsible for you losing your job as when I was younger I always made you late for work and your depression in the end caused you to quit and I believed I was responsible for that as well because I always fought with you and caused you extra stress because I never just did as I was told and I wouldn’t just let you be in charge and I didn’t just hold my tongue even when I knew what was happening wasn’t fair, I still could have just let it slide, just allow things to be unfair.
In year 7, I started trying to deal with my guilt by trying to hide it from mum if you’d got angry and thrown things by cleaning up before she got home, I would try to do the jobs on the list she left you and I just crossed them off so she would think you’d done it.
Everything seemed to come back to the aspergers and I felt that this caused all the problems and I felt/feel that everything would have been better if I had never been born. I had this outlook from about age 9. The first time I thought about killing myself was in year 6 when I found out you were depressed because I thought it was just another bad thing I had made happen and I didn’t believe you could ever get better while I was around.
In year 7 I realised that I was really depressed, I took a test on beyond blue and got the highest possible score, but I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted everyone to worry about you first, I didn’t think I was important enough to be worth trying to fix and I believed that I deserved to feel the way I did. I also didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore than I already had. The depression never went away after then and I am still battling with it now.
I also blamed myself when you got angry in public because I thought I should have seen it coming and stopped it before it happened or I should have been able to calm you down quicker.
I was responsible for everything that went wrong; I caused all the bad things to happen. It was somehow my fault that the plasterers and painters weren’t good and I should have been able to prevent it.
When I was younger you used to make me say sorry for everything I did after we had a fight and you would say that my apology had been accepted but it wasn’t ok. It made me feel like I was never forgiven for anything and therefore I never forgave myself.
When you told me you hadn’t broken into the house because you thought it would scare me, you lied. You climbed in through my bedroom window. I know this because later I found that I couldn’t open my bedroom window because it was nailed shut. I asked mum why and she told me that Pam had insisted on doing it when she found out that was how you got it.
I think it is pathetic that you were insulted by Grace not wanting to hold your hand or be seen with you when you were singing on the way home. For you it might have been a bit of a joke but for her it is her reputation at school and what people see her as and quite frankly no girl over the age of 10 wants to be seen walking home with their dad.
When mum said that she didn’t want you to do the Christmas tree without her, she didn’t mean that she didn’t want you to do it but she wanted the whole family to be there when we did.
I understand that you were depressed at the time that all this happened, but I am and was depressed too, I can still see things from other people’s perspective and I don’t get insulted by every little thing people do. Sure I’m more sensitive to other people’s actions and sometimes I have nasty thoughts but I never turn them into more than that. I realise the thought is irrational and I push it away.
Now you could say that your depression was worse than mine is but I really don’t think it was. I am this close to committing; I even have a date at the moment.
I also think it was really low of you to threaten suicide if you didn’t get money by the end of the week, especially through me. I know you did send the text to mum but it was addressed to me. The only reason I haven’t committed yet is because I’m afraid of the hurt I will cause. I don’t want to hurt those that I love and I would never dream of making deals with people and basically putting my life in their hands, especially if I wasn’t even intending to do it in the first place. I’m not denying that you were feeling suicidal but if you had been serious about committing if you didn’t get the money by the end of the week you wouldn’t be here anymore because mum didn’t give you the money. I think it was truly disgusting that you sent another text to mum at the end of the week saying time’s up. Even if you were going to do it because you would then be blaming her for your death and leaving her with that guilt forever when she didn’t even do anything wrong. It is even worse if you weren’t intending to do it because making someone feel that awful and terrified and guilty for no reason is an awful terrible thing to do. It’s like suicide is a game to you, I sometimes wonder if you really were going to do it for real. I don’t understand how you could do that to someone who loved you and who you loved back, someone who you’ve known for such a long time.
I needed to say all these things because you don’t understand how I feel and how things have affected me. I want to kill myself because I blame myself for all the bad things that happen and I believe that if I was out of the picture everyone’s lives would be better.
I am always trying to protect your feelings and make sure I don’t hurt you but then I stop and think how many times you were so careful to make sure you didn’t hurt me.
I walked on eggshells trying not to upset you and you would react at the slightest thing and you didn’t stop yourself because it might upset me. I know you care about me and all that but I can’t keep on pretending that I’m ok with everything because I’m not and I’m still angry.
There is more but I’m not going to go into it. I’m sure if you think hard enough you will remember the things I am talking about too.
I’m not trying to hurt you; I’m trying to help myself. I haven’t even decided if I am going to send this or not. Please don’t say I’m being selfish because I’m not. All I have done here is state facts.
Sorry if you can’t accept any of what I’ve had to say, but until you can and you can apologise sufficiently I don’t think there is much hope for a good relationship between us.