Not A Mistake. I Wrote This A Few Years Ago.

  © Copyright 2006 by Sherry-Lynn Clyburn

 This is for all the people who have been in a relationship with another and you have conceived children together and then you realize the relationship is over ad then you say or have the following thoughts. 

 “My relationship was a mistake!”   Or     “My relationship was a waste of time!”

 When I finally ended my marriage after 17 years, I sometimes thought and in fact I recall speaking similar words.  

 Well, I have something to share that changed my mind about ever saying that again in front of my children.  I hope that others who may feel  this will not make the same mistake.   

 One day when I was at the park with my youngest daughter, there was a woman and a man arguing.  Anyways they were in the midst to a pretty heated conversation, yelling and we overheard the woman say, “I’m sorry, I ever married you. What an f---ken mistake.  I just wasted five years of my life on you. Blab, blab, blab…”  

 You could see their little girl, who looked to be about five years old, was troubled because her parents were arguing in front of everywhere.  

 For a few minutes the little one just sat there, not uttering a word, merely looking from person to person.  

When the little girl's eyes came to mine, our eyes locked for a few seconds.  I saw her eyes quickly whelm up with tears.  Then she went to her mother, interrupted the argument, and she started crying.  She was tugging on her mothers arm and she said something that really pulled at my heart strings.   What she said truly opened my eyes and in fact influenced me to never again say anything similar to those two sentences in front of my children.   I will never forget that experience! 

 “Mommy, I’m sorry!”

 By now she was crying even louder...  then she said,

 “Mommy, I’m sorry for wasting your time.  I'm sorry for being a mistake?”

 My daughter and I looked at each other at the same time. 

 We both had tears in our eyes.  Guess the little girls remarks hit home to both of us.   

My daughter and I left the park because I felt this argument was not something my daughter needed to witness.   As we walked home she asked me, “Mom is that how you feel too?”

 It was then that her and I had a     

   

 

 I told her the truth.

  The truth is that sometimes people, including parents, say things in the heat of the moment.  (things they do not really mean.)  

 It took this incident at the park for me to realize,  that yes my marriage was somewhat of a mistake and in many ways it was a waste of time but, it was not a complete error nor was it a total waste of time, by any means.   I did learn things from my ex-husband and I did conceive my three beautiful children with his help.  

While the relationship with my ex-husband had thankfully ended, the relationship with my children has not, and  I hope that it ever will. 

 No matter what, when a relationship ends and you have children together, you can never in all honesty say the above statements in the presence of your child(ren).   That is unless you can say, “Having my children was a mistake and a waste of time!"

 If you can say that about your children, then, in all actuality, you DO NOT deserve to have them. Children are neither a waste of time nor are they a mistake.  They are precious little human beings who deserve all the decent things that arrive with life.  Hope, love, faith, etc....

In a sense, we take silent vows with our children the second they enter our world.  

Think about it; in most marriage vows the minister will say, Repeat after me; do you promise to love, to honor, to cherish, in sickness and in health.....


And we will answer with a resounding, yes....

 

                   
sherry123456789 sherry123456789
46-50, F
24 Responses Mar 6, 2010

Sherry, whatever troubles a couple has, they need to take the utmost care in how they handle them with children around. Marriage is one of the biggest risks you can ever take in life and must be entered into with great care, precisely because the nurturing and protection of children depends on the health of the adult relationship.

This story blessed me this morning. :)<br />
<br />
KC

This couldn't be more true. Children are the most beautiful gifts we could ever receive and they need to be handled with care. They don't ask to be born, but we choose to keep them and yes we do make a vow when they are born. They deserve the best that we have to give them. When we are in the mind set of the parents arguing we are surely not being our best, and we can't teach them properly if this is how we act in front of them. Too many people don't realize that their children take this with them into adulthood and the cycle repeats itself. My heart goes out to all of them and I have hopes of at least some of them breaking those chains of repetition in hurt. Thank you so much for sharing this. I can appreciate it.

Divorce is hard. I am divorced twice myself. I remember in the beginning with the first marriage feeling sad because I thought I failed. Thankfully, we didn't have kids. I came home one day from work and he was gone. It was the strangest feeling. The note he left was cold saying "Sorry, I took the TV, but I'm leaving you with 300 dollars and the rest of the things. It was weird because he was not the cold type. After he left, I checked the mail the next day and "Boom" I took out a gay personals pamphlet with his name on it. My jaw dropped. It was then that I realized why I thought something was off about him when we were around some guys. It was a vibe. Anyway, my next marriage that ended in divorce was rocky due to him haven fallen in love with some other woman and me not knowing if he cheated on me or not. He also said some mean things about me. Yeah I nagged him at times because he was hours on end on the computer playing video games and not helping me with our baby daughter. I had tried to communicate with him about this woman and he'd act like he didn't know what I was talking about. I wanted to work things out, but he just preferred to sweep things under a rug. I moved out with my daughter. We separated and finally divorced. I had tried so many times to make the marriages work. Mind you, I don't have the regrets that I had before. During the divorce with my daughter's father though, we didn't fight or argue in front of her. In fact, though the trust was broken, we never hurled insults at each other. We did get along. We weren't the type of couple who fought a lot. Not saying we didn't have our arguments. We did have maybe 2 fights a year? Still, my daughter who is in her teens didn't get the brunt of our arguments and we don't use her as a weapon because that is 100% wrong! I respect my daughter's father and feel that divorce was the right choice for all of us. I still haven't told my daughter about what led to the separation and divorce. She doesn't need to know that. She needs two healthy parents who love her, care about her, and respect each other.

Personally, I'd rather my mom had been completely honest about how she felt. I figured it out myself by the time I was 12.

How sad, but a good story.

I have heard mom's say those same words to their children. I say shame on them. Then go home and pray for these children. We as parents need to watch what we say in front of children. Children are so innocent.

This is a wonderful story a real eye opener. I've seen a lot of my friends go through rough divorces and I have been married for 6 years but have been with my husband for 10 going on 11 years. It really is rough seeing the children suffer cause they feel it's there fault that the parents split. That is what my husband said he felt when he was little. It wasn't until he was 16 that he was told by his father...after his mother was forced to take him to court for Child support that his father looked him in the eye and said you were a mistake I wish you were never born don't ever try to contact him I want nothing to do with you. My husband remembers those words as if it was yesterday and he made an example of his father as to never become him.

Very profound, and this story especially hits home with me as my parents divorced when I was 10 years old. Even at the age of 49 I can still remember the hurtful words uttered between my parents as they were always fighting. Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us.

I do believe marriage is very difficult in the same sense when parents feel obligated, after their child passes an exam and practices driving, to hand over the keys to a machine that has the distinct potential to end human life.<br />
<br />
It's just way more complicated when we're just flat out not 100% prepared both mentally and physically!

I just want to thank everyone who has left me comments. I hope you are having a good day.

Wow! I don't know what to write or say after reading this story. Funny how sometimes a small child makes more sense than adults do.

Are you saying you think this story is BS? I left my marriage due to extreme abuse. <br />
<br />
I am a litle confussed about this being profound, Is this a good or a bad profound? lol

I liked the story and I feel that one can get more than just a good or bad feeling by reading it once or twice. Although, as someone else said it is profound in it's context, I personally have a problem with profound truths. I need to ponder about it. In a nutshell where I stand on such issues is as follows:<br />
I will only consider divorce in my life if cheating is involved, and even then if she is a good mother I will stay in the marriage even though our personal relationship would be over. In any other circumstances I am against it because I believe that the moment we have children they take priority over our self-indulgence and self-gratification. The exception is of course abuse either spousal or even worse against the children. But I would take a bullet for my wife even if she is being a ***** from time to time just as much or as I am being an as*hole. I have been married for 15 years and I can't remember a week where we didn't have a fight and verbal **** did not got exchanged between us. But in the end of the day and especially in front of the children it didn't matter if we hated each other guts at that moment. They gave us strength and at least for myself the reason to be even though I may not have been happy in my marriage. This whole thing 'I deserve better' is so easily uttered these days or 'what kind of example do you set for your children'. My personal conviction is that this is B.S. Parents, get over it. Unless we are talking about abuse, any child would rather have they parents together even though when they grow up they might change their mind if they see their parents relationship through the eyes of adulthood. But first you have to get them there.<br />
Thanks for sharing.

Amazing story. Very helpful.

This is such a touching story. I'd like to see more stories like this.....if only!? I cannot stand my ex as he abused me terribly but at the same time I am so thankful because our sons would not be here if he didn't exist.....

That's pretty good. Had a divorce with my parents too. Led to some ****** up ****, too, in my life. But most of it, I have to take responsibility for. I was 18.

I'm glad I read this story tonight on our 27th Wedding anniversary which we haven't even acknowledged today.It is all too easy for those thoughts to come in when there is bitterness from all the unhappiness that the relationship has brought. Yet it is inconceivable to imagine that our three girls were a waste of time or a mistake and all three were very much wanted and loved.So yes good came out of the not so good, and I am thankful for that : )

Marriage actually is a contract. A century and a half ago, it was a property transfer from the brides's father to the groom. Among the Major five religions, marriage is part of the Ritual for their life style. <br />
In the more free societies, marriage contracts are made more to protect the up-coming children, so that if the marriage is broken, there is legal recourse to get help raising the children. <br />
Free societies realise that misery of the parents will create misery for the children and sometimes it is less miserable to have a divorce than to have cat and dog fights and abuse for the chldren to observe and emulate.<br />
If I lived in a deeply religious society without the ability to have a divorce, I would never get married.<br />
Simply, because I can not be happy under abuse, neglect, emotional absenteeism or being alone in a relationship where I must be responsible to the other party who is having no responsibility in creating happiness for himself or myself or the children. <br />
From what I have shared here, you can get that I hate divorce because ideally it should never have to occur. On the other hand, there definitely is a time and place for it. And when there are GOOD LAWS available that balance out resonsibility, divorce is better than an existence of Hell on Earth. And better than taking poision yourself, or killing your partner!!<br />
<br />
Radiant

I loved this story thanks so much for sharing,,,children are so sweet in their spirit,,,and they take things to heart,,,we all need to be more mindful of what comes out of our months,,,I have sometimes thought that I made a mistake,,,but that was not the case,,,my husband and I yell and carry on alot more than we should,,,I don't know I think I really like the friction sometimes,,,,I was married once to someone who never had words with me,,,,and I love my husband so much,,,we are a good fit,,,and I would never change that ,,,the other day my niece said that me and gary need to stop being like that she is only 3,,,and she said Love and Light aunt mary,,,,I love that little one so much,,,,thanks again for your post,,,Love and Light Mary

I agree, thanks for sharing this. I divorced my first wife, but no matter the reasons, we still share three children from our time together. That I made a mistake all those years ago, I'm certain, but even so, I was blessed...

Marriage is a decision made by 2 parties.Having children is the result of the marriage.I am saddened that the real sufferers are the children.When the children grow up in a troubled marriage,very often they are lost teenages and later troubled adults.My grown up children were the examples.My eldest from my 1st marriage hated her father and had bad marriages herself.She was like me needing love and never got it.My eldest son from my 2nd marriage hated his father too and on the contrary did very well as a pilot but did badly in relatonships.He stopped seeing me 13 yrs ago until lately came back after many hard knocks.His younger brother hated his father too except my daughter who hated me.I felt deeply remorsed and partly to be blamed for their encounters.I never regretted having my children.

Thank God for people like you. I grew up with my mother telling me I was a mistake and that if it weren't for me she wouldn't have had to go through marriage, divorce and post pardem depression. It took me many years to overcome the guilt she placed on me. I wish more parents were like you. I can only pray that little girl will grow up and be fine like I am, and hopefully in a much less expensive way! (counseling hehehe) :)

This is the most profound piece of wisdom I have heard in such a long time.