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Inside Out

I... a mother, lover, and a fighter.
2...don't have any tattoos but my navel, nose, and ears are pierced.
3...was raised a Jehovah's Witness but left, went back, and left again (ultimately walking away from it forever in my early 20's...thank u "Jesus"!). pregnant at 16.
5...skipped 2nd grade, was home-schooled for a year, graduated highschool, and went to college.
6...was basically a straight-A student (when I applied myself) who looked forward to school (because teacher's were always nicer than my mom). I went through a bad phase in my teens but recovered and ultimately appreciated my education because it helped me gain independence (for a time) and the people who I encountered that pushed me in a forward direction.
7...think cleanliness is godliness but worry about all the chemicals we expose ourselves to. I've learned to live amongst and even appreciate some clutter too.
8...sometimes feel like Mary Poppins (don't laugh) but hate musicals (figure that one out).
9...enjoy things and people that make me go "hmmmmm." to go for long walks with my dogs outside when the weather is nice.
11...have a clear conscience (mostly, anyway...except for an incident involving a parakeet named "Oscar" that bit my finger and wouldn't let go. You don't want to know how that ended).
12...spend a LOT of time in bed/on the couch due to widespread body pain from "fibromyalgia." karma for the parakeet? a talking contradiction (this bugs me but I try to laugh about it).
14...feel like a failure (on some levels) and a burden (on other levels).
15...cannot roll my "r's" or hula hoop.
16...have never been married.
17...will do the right thing, over the easy thing (or at least try).
18...wish everyone would keep plants or a garden alive for many years before marrying or having children. Better yet, get a pet instead.
19...know that my strengths are also my weaknesses (this statement sooo messes w/my head).
20...miss my old boss, grandpa & grandma, my kitties, my babies, and my independence but i'm adjusting.
22...always scratch what itches.
23...need a muzzle. not like negative, shallow, or lazy people but at the same time understand we are all products of our environments and can't always help who we become (i.e. I appreciate good manners but don't expect it. i prefer honesty and decency over anything else).
25...whistle while I work (figuratively).
26...second-guess myself.
27...didn't celebrate holidays or birthdays until my 20's. I love the togetherness and warmth during them but think the extravagance and stress does more harm than good. finding my way in life (EP is a big part of this process).
29...can't emphasize the importance of water, sleep, and healthy eating enough (take it from someone who knows).
30...believe moderation, variety, and self-control are crucial to having a good life (if only I were better at it).
31...understand why women drive men crazy.
32...hate talking on the phone, being stared at, and playing games but I LOVE TO LAUGH.
33...have a flirtation problem (actually I'm just too friendly-anyone would talk to me-but it helped when a friend suggested headphones and adopting the "*****" look). when i clean.
35...know I'm being spied on (it made me mad at first but, now that I know, I don't really now they've seen it all).
36...want to live/die on the beach.
37...normally keep my fingernails and toenails painted.
38...don't like to gossip or people who do (yet I've been guilty).
39...have my eyes wide open.
40...know it's all a conspiracy.
41...had the best time when I stumbled upon a drum circle in California.
42...saw Shamu and it was magical but also went to the Magic Kingdom and had a very UN-magical time. to travel, movies, learning, working out, visiting with others, experiencing new things with my kids (but my health and finances don't allow it). craving Godiva chocolate covered cherries and Shari's Berries (they are both heavenly).
45...get bored easily (not sure why).
46...gave birth naturally to both my children (no drugs-didn't want them coming into this world all "doped" up).
47...recently quit driving (forcing a new level of dependence on people).
48...have both submissive and dominant sides to my personality (which are constantly at war with eachother).
49...get compliments regularly when I wear brown (UGH, why brown?! Nothing against brown, just wish it was something more colorful).
50...listen to music and sing to myself every day.
51...want to be part of the solution/create positive momentum. to watch men hard at work! not very competitive (I only compete with myself) or athletic (I was never allowed to participate in sports).
54...have been blessed with marijuana (my medicine), the patience of a saint (to deal with life...but it's running thin), my children (who give me motivation to live), and a chihuahua (that's a great distraction from this miserable existence).
55...choose to look on the bright side (even feeling gratitude for my chronic pain when I can...cuz it keeps me grounded and gives me another perspective). not afraid of needles.
57...make a damn good assistant (with years of grooming and experience).
58...believe none of what I hear and only half of what I see.
59...always tell my grandpa I love him when crossing the Mississippi River (his ashes were spread there). guilty of talking too much.
61...find it interesting how my tastes in life (men, music, food, etc.) have changed over time. embarrassed to let people meet my family.
63...clown around sometimes (certain people bring it out in me...I don't know how they do it but I luv them for it).
64...don't believe in forcing or faking anything (unless necessary) but will smile even when I feel like crying (because who cares really?).
65...went through a phase of being too self-conscious to wear shorts (except at the gym) I embrace my long legs :-D
66...have been told I'm the "best" at something (they better not have lied or I'm gonna sue their *** ;-).
67...regret being born.
68...make a kick-*** (and now, gluten-free) lasagna. going to the library, the park, and the laundromat.
70...rarely feel happy or good (life = misery) but pets help tremendously.
71...have always enjoyed helping/taking care of others (takes my mind off myself).
72...think my mind is turning to mush. That, or I've got brain-fog. a morning person but some days wake up grumpy as **** (still trying to tame the beast).
74...miss having a bedroom/place of my own (my sanctuary).
75...have fought off suicidal feeling all of my life (the Witnesses and subsequent struggles made me feel worthless. at least I still know I'm not utterly worthless).
76...don't have much from my childhood but managed to hang on to my baby blanket somehow. (no, I don't sleep w/it ;-)
77...punched out a window when I caught my bf in bed w/another woman (not saying it was the best way to handle it but better than hurting someone). making an effort to consume less and waste nothing.
79...saw "Shark Tale" with my lil cousin and thought it was adorable. thank u buddy.
80...can't stand when men try to impress people by taking their shirt off (really?!).
81...fell and hit my tailbone so hard once I saw stars (didn't even know that was possible except in cartoons).
82...enjoy having the bed all to myself just as much as I enjoy sharing it with someone (until I get the roll-over treatment).
83...have a shady side (certain people/situations bring it out in me, i.e. cops, men, people in positions of authority). i don't like to lie but can be very evasive at times.
84...won't get involved with married men (i don't believe in creeping) but admit i am curious about polygamous relationships and how they work.
85...decided to stop caring about getting ahead in life and instead focus on myself (what makes me feel good) and family (how can I help).
86...don't talk to people privately on here (except an occasional friendly note) nor do I add anyone to my circle that's under 21 (just my preference).
87...will never live alone again (unless I become independently wealthy). intimidated by men who cook but simultaneously relish it.
89...would rather ********** than sleep around (std's anyone?).
90...try not to read too much into any one thing.
91...get paranoid (sometimes with good reason, sometimes not) and hysterical (yes, a tranquilizer gun should be kept nearby).
92...change my mind but try to be a person of my word.
93...prefer EP profiles that have pictures and/or stories so I get a feel for the person. rarely surprised by anything (except my teenage son who likes to jump out from behind things and scare me) but am deathly afraid of single-mindedness and blind obedience (been there, done that, hopefully still not doing it).
95...see all of mankind as part of my extended family (i care more than you'll ever know).
96...played basketball with former Harlem Globetrotters for a fundraiser (yes, it was a laughing matter).
97...have never voted (don't hate).
98...swear too much (unless little ones are around, then I censor).
99...believe in using positive reinforcement and rewards to motivate people into good behavior (i.e. giving kids money for getting good grades).
100..hope you enjoyed reading this list!
101...AM DONE!

thnx 4 letting me do my thing. now it's your turn. mwah!

shylamarais shylamarais 36-40, F 8 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Your Response


And, I thought I was the only person in the western world who could not use a hula hoop.

i bet we could do it...just need to practice. music (from some rhythm) and privacy (no video cameras allowed!) would help too.

No video camera? But from the pure hilarity that would ensue don't you think we would get millions of hits on youtube?

You do express in many ways that I wish I could. You like others, but seem to like to be you. We do have much in common except you are still young I do feel real old at times.
I do wish you the best on finding what and who you are looking for. May the stars guide you to happiness.

Work in progress..I like that....Nice written. I'm in suspense for the "to be continued"..Thanks for sharing..:)

it's strange, a little scary, and freeing to share this list but also to know other people have actually read it...makes my head hot. i don't know who you are in reality, but thank you for your encouragement and support and interest. it means so much as I travel this road of self-discovery...oftentimes all alone...or so it seemed, until now...

I am happy to read it. After all, isn't that why we all are here. To listen, to question, to learn, and perhaps to sort things out for a happier future.

Thank you for sharing.

you make me smile :-)

I enjoyed reading your list. Good luck on your work in progress. I think that is what all of our lists should be. I did mine over a year ago and am tempted to do it again, or edit it but in respect of the me I was then, I am leaving it alone.

:-) Ya made me smile! How nice.

waiting for the rest, thanks for making me smile

Need a muzzle huh? LOL, don't we all!