This Diary Entry Just Showed Up On My Doorstep. . .

8/4/10

I wake up each day thinking “how can I be the best ***** possible today?” I set my sites high, with Ann Coulter around, the competition is fierce. Sarah Palin is small potatoes in the ***** department. Grizzly Moms? Pitbulls with lipstick?  She has the ***** impulse, but she just isn’t smart enough to pull off satire and sarcasm.
 
How dare Stephen Colbert call my writing “banal?” Come on, my book is the #1 selling non-fiction book. Screw him.
 
I guess saying that Michelle ate barbequed ribs three times a day was a little over the top racist. And I did give Obama the banal voice in my head rather than try to emulate how he actually presents in the world. Thank God people are stupid enough to shell out money for my book anyway. Sheep.

8/5/10

Yet another erotic dream about Barack. Damn! Maybe my shrink is right! Maybe my entire book is a banally-written elaborate reaction formation defense against my sexual attraction to him. Well, I guess I have his attention now!

I received another letter meant for that bible thumping Schlessinger. Just because we are both named Laura and have conservative radio talk shows! Just because we are both blond! I've got to have my publicity agent do something about that.

Then again, maybe we should do something together, capitalize on the way people mix us up. Hmmmmm, as long as I am the lead name. Note to self: run Schlessinger proposal by publicity agent.  We could both dress in the same outfit-Hilarious! Though my outfit will be a smaller size than that cow. Meow.

EvesHarvest EvesHarvest
56-60, F
2 Responses Aug 4, 2010

Dear Dr. Kauffman:<br />
<br />
I am flattered that you got me mixed up with my dear conservative sister, Dr. Laura Schlesinger. You are not the first to make this mistake. I am the author of the best-selling book, "The Obama Diaries." If you buy it at Barnes and Noble, it is $26. But if you send a check directly to me, I will send you a personally signed copy for only $12.62! That's $2 less than Amazon.com is selling it for!<br />
<br />
I believe she has been asked these questions before. Has she given any answers yet?<br />
<br />
Thank you for your interest.<br />
<br />
Yours in The Conservative Faith,<br />
Laura Ingraham

Dear Dr. Laura:<br />
<br />
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them<br />
that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.<br />
<br />
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.<br />
<br />
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?<br />
<br />
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?<br />
<br />
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.<br />
<br />
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?<br />
<br />
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?<br />
<br />
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?<br />
<br />
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?<br />
<br />
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?<br />
<br />
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?<br />
<br />
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)<br />
<br />
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.<br />
<br />
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.<br />
<br />
Your adoring fan.<br />
<br />
James M. Kauffman,<br />
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,<br />
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education<br />
University of Virginia<br />
<br />
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)