Suicide Story

I guess I'm not a very happy person right now. You can see it in my face, my actions, and certainly read between the lines on the Experience Project. You'd be correct if you think "something bad" must have happened to me to make me this way. January 3, 2008, changed my life forever. Up to that date, I was generally who I've been since my teenage years. Fairly happy with a sense of direction with goals and wonderful relationships. My marriage was O.K. and, at the time, needed a little TLC, but I suppose we were doing fine. I was the last person to think I'd stray from that marriage, but I did, and it turned my life upside down! It was harmless, at first. We met in a support group. He waltzed in late and seemed dissheveled. That's probably why I noticed him; Michael. He sat down next to me and smiled. At first, I thought he was a bit off-balance, but later I'd learn just how much off-balance he was. During break we started talking. After the meeting, a group of us decided to continue our conversation at a coffee shop down the street. Michael joined us. He sat next to me and ordered the same coffee drink. He must have immediately felt comfortable with me, because he spent the next two hours telling me how he ended up in our support group. The night before, Michael tried to end his life. Every detail of his "suicide story" is still engrained in my head. He went to the grocery store and purchased a dozen red roses. He went to the hardware store and purchased a hose and ducttape. He went home and kissed his children and then drove to the secluded spot that he'd scoped out prior to that night. If it hadn't been for the ducttape coming lose from the muffler, Michael might have succeeded. The fact that he woke up was some sort of 'sign' for him of a second chance at life. The next day, he's sitting across from me captivating me with his words and his sorrow. It made me feel so much better about my own problems, I suppose. He said all the right things to me; told me everything I wanted to hear from a man. What a pro he was, drawing me in like that and then manipulating my every move. One thing lead to another and then we moved in together several months later. Twelve years with my husband gone within just a few months. I quickly learned, however, that Michael was about finding the next best thing meaning he met someone who was better able to support him than I. He was out of my life as quickly as he'd arrived, and I was alone. Thankfully, my husband stuck by me and forgave me for what I'd done to him and our family. This experience made me re-think everything about the way I was living, who I was, and what I believed. It shook me to my very core! Worst of all, I mistrust everyone now. I question every motive and get hurt very easily. I don't want to be this way, and so I'm in therapy to try and re-capture joy and happiness. Life is good, and the fact that I survived the affair suggests that I'm stronger than I think I am.
twodayzgn twodayzgn
46-50, F
May 8, 2012